Sestina of Ron Swanson

     For Studies in Poetry. We were supposed to write a sestina, I think the assignment was, and I was out of ideas for endwords. But then I remembered that Ron uses all these random words when he's annoying everyone with that typewriter, and so for the first stanza I used his list in the exact order of the quote. And then I needed one more endword, which became "bacon" since that is quite Swanson-ish. The Parks fans in class LOVED it: "Yes, that was literally Ron Swanson." I loved writing it. Dr. Mackie was so astounded she told everyone in the English department about it.

1 I have a typewriter. It is a rectangle

2 just like my land mine. I love America!

3 And puzzles. I am joyful right now, so I shout like a megaphone

4 and no one can get any work done. This is fun. Monday

5 I have a lot of meetings with buttholes

6 that April couldn’t get me out of. So I shall eat bacon

6 and drink whiskey and then devour more bacon

1 while I doodle little rectangles

5 in a notebook to pretend I am paying attention to anything that butthole

2 is current saying at the moment. America

4 is being ruined by the government, so last Monday

3 I retreated to my cabin and built a deer-antler megaphone

3 so I can drown out whatever crap Leslie is shouting on her megaphone.

6 Then we’ll go to JJ’s Diner and eat waffles and bacon

4 and ignore the showdown with the library on Monday

1 over a lot near the nurse’s house. This rectangle

2 will soon become a public library if we lose. America

5 is being destroyed by librarians – they are the spawn of Satan’s butthole.

5 Or at least, my ex-wife Tammy is a butthole.

3 To say more would be revealing personal information via megaphone,

2 which would be appalling. My vision for America?

6 Everyone minds their own business, eats bacon

1 and construct beautiful handcrafted rectangular-

4 shaped desks out of mahogany. The most useless days of the week are Mondays.

4 Duke Silver is playing in Eagleton on Monday

5 along with Mouse Rat – Andy’s a good kid, but he and those buttholes

1 in his band are nearly as lousy as Jerry. The guy’s so square, he’s a rectangle!

3 Chris Traeger is Talking Very Loudly. His lungs can produce megaphone-

6 level sonic qualities. I respect that. Not as much as bacon,

2 he’s too cheerful most of the time. America

2 needs more libertarians. And mini horses like Li’l Sebastian. America

4 shall mourn the day that glorious equine goes to the pasture in the sky. It’ll be the Monday

6 to end all Mondays. Worse than rabbit food. Or fish meat. Or turkey bacon

5 Have I mentioned that my other ex-wife Tammy is also a butthole?

3 Oh, how I do love a good piece of meat. I’ll scream into Leslie’s stupid megaphone

1 if it be to praise the efforts of the cow which became this delicious rectangle

21 of steak, grown in the only state in America that is a perfect rectangle,

43 Wyoming. Though I suppose Mondays and megaphones

65 exist there, too. Yes, I require bacon now. Go interview someone else, butthole.