Space Jam

     So, let's see. It's the mid-90's, and the Internet doesn't really exist yet. Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks are two of the biggest stars in Hollywood, and there was this awesome movie made by computers about talking toys. Bugs Bunny and Cindy Crawford have starred in the biggest Super Bowl commercials of the last few years, and (this goes without saying) the biggest sports star on the planet is Michael Jordan(followed closely by Wayne Gretzky, Brett Favre and Roger Clemens).

     Really, the plot of Space Jam is incredible. While Michael Jordan was in retirement trying to play professional baseball with the Chicago White Sox organization, he was really saving the world from a race of monstrous invading aliens, who work for a tyrannical theme-park owner, that capture the Looney Tunes? Plenty of people think it sounds ridiculous. But it is. It's so ridiculous, it totally works. Kinda like most Full House episodes, or It Just Gets Stranger posts, or the jerseys of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks and Charlotte Hornets.

     It's almost midnight in Wilmington, North Carolina in 1973. Ten-year-old Michael Jordan can't sleep, so he goes into the driveway to shoot some baskets. His dad James comes out into the yard to complain, but then is impressed by Michael's practice, so they talk for a bit about Michael's future plans before heading inside.
     Fast forward to October 1993, and Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player the planet's ever seen, has suddenly retired in order to play professional baseball????!!!! 
     Meanwhile, millions of miles away, on a moon-theme park called Moron Mountain, the visitors are, uh...less than impressed with the park's rides. Actually, make that the teenage demographic is unimpressed. And everyone knows that the teenage demographic is the most important when it comes to entertainment. So Swackhammer(Danny DeVito) yells at his top collection of Nerdluck employees that "THEY NEED NEW ATTRACTIONS!" Pound(orange), Blanko(blue), Nawt(red), Bang(purple) and Bupkus(green) all agree quickly. "We need something...something....wacky. Something - something -"" Bang hesitantly suggests that the word Swackhammer is looking for is "loony". "YES! That's it! Bring me the Looney Tunes." "Sir?" Blanko asks. "Just noticing, sir....they're from Earth. What if they can't come?" "Make 'em."

     Well, they're millions of miles away, so the trip takes quite a while. It's summertime somewhere in 1994 now, and Michael is playing with the Double-A Southern League's Birmingham Barons. They're playing the Huntsville Stars, and Michael's...having a rough day. Even with the opposing catcher's help. The Barons new publicist, Stan Podolak(Wayne Newton), has just been assigned by the team's owner to make sure that nobody bothers Michael. (But somebody kinda forgot to tell Stan that includes him.) The Nerdlucks' UFO sails over the field and smashes through a Piggily Wiggily parking lot, tunneling through the center of the Earth and into Looney Tune Land.
     Stan drives Michael home, where the enthusiastic bulldog Charles jumps and drools all over him, while his kids get back from a Little League baseball game. Jeffrey had a rough day, too. The Roadrunner cartoon everyone's watching in the living room gets interrupted by Porky Pig rushing and and declaring an emergency union meeting of cartoon characters.
   
     On landing, the Nerdlucks knocked out Elmer Fudd and captured Bugs Bunny(Billy West), putting him in chains. At the union meeting, the Nerdlucks explain that all the Looney Tunes are now their prisoners, and when Yosemite Sam stands up for them, Pound shoots him with his laser gun. At this, all the Tunes surrender. However, Bugs thinks quickly and fast-talks his way into the Tunes having a chance to defend themselves, since it is in the rulebook(How to Draw Capture Cartoon Characters). With the small race of invading aliens being five in number, with stubby arms and short legs, and since they can't jump very high - "We challenge you to a basketball game!" Bugs declares. "All right! Basketball it is! ...Wait, what IS basketball? We didn't have that in gym class...." the Nerdlucks say all at the same time. (It was a better idea than Porky's suggestion of a spelling bee, or Elmer's of a bowling tournament.) Following a newsreel explaining what basketball, the Nerdlucks hatch a plan to steal the talent of the best players in the world.

     Cut to New York City, where the Knicks are hosting the Phoenix Suns. Pound steals the talent of Charles Barkley, and then Bupkus sucks the talent away from Patrick Ewing. Michael's watching SportsCenter in his hotel room, where Ahmad Rashad reports that Shawn Bradley(Blanko), Larry Johnson(Bang) and Muggsy Bogues(Nawt) all have been suffering from the "same mysterious ailment" that struck Barkley and Ewing. This causes the Lakers to panic, refusing to play.
     Bugs is organizing the first Tune Squad practice, and like all first practices, it doesn't go too smoothly. Daffy Duck(Dee Bradley Baker) is trying to figure out the team's color scheme, and it seems that nobody has ever really played much basketball before. And then the Nerdlucks say that it's their turn to use the court, where they became the 12-foot-tall Monstars, much to the horror of the Tunes. Buplkus' spike leads to a small earthquake. That's when Bugs coolly decides that they might need a little bit of help.
     Michael calmly plays golf with Larry Bird and Bill Murray(and Stan...) when thanks to a magnetized ball he makes his first-ever hole-in-one. Posing for Stan's picture to commemorate it; Yosemite Sam lassoes His Airness through the hole and into Looney Tune Land. Stan is appalled by Mike's disappearance, but Bill and Larry just think he needed some space and continue their game.
     After a loony explanation that cartoons characters are, in fact, real, and that the rules of life work much differently here, Bugs finally convinces Michael to help. (Getting beat up by the Monstars probably had something to do with it, too.) Anyway, the Tunes clean up Schlesinger Gym by spit-shine and get a real practice in before the Monstar attack. Michael sends Bugs and Daffy to retrieve his sneakers and lucky North Carolina shorts from the trophy room.

     They quarrel their way to the Jordan home, where a left turn takes Bugs to the house and a right leads to Daffy getting beat up by Charles the Bulldog. Their noise wakes up the kids, who accept that Dad is helping the Tunes win a basketball game, which is a secret. The sneakers are found pretty easily, but Charles has the shorts. The kids wrestle them away from him, though, and Bugs and Daffy return home safely. (Though followed by Stan.)
      The NBA players have been MRI-ed, EKG-ed, laser-beamed and psychoanalyzed by this point, all without success, and in the panic, the commissioner declares that there will be no more basketball this season until it's figured out. Barkley even gets a shot blocked by some teenage girl in a pickup game. Things are bad.

     Michael's whipping his team into ball-playing shape, thanks to the help of walk-on Lola Bunny(kath Soucie) and Richard Simmons workout tapes. Bugs falls for her instantly, and everybody else can't help but admire her, too. (Tweety: "She's hot!" Daffy and Elmer nod vigorously in agreement.) And she's athletic! And competitive!

    And finally, it's the night of THE ULTIMATE GAME.  Traffic is backed up like you wouldn't believe - bumper-to-bumper for forty miles. But the fate of their world is at stake here, so....it's kinda one of those events you want to see in person, no matter which way it turns out. The announcer is taking a nap, so two mice fill in as play-by-play and color commentary.  Swackhammer is sitting in a luxury box attended by minor Nerdlucks, while the Monstars come out of the locker room in one big group. The Tune Squad starting lineup consists of the Tasmanian Devil, Daffy, Lola, Bugs and Michael.
     The game starts out...VERY badly. Marvin the Martian was the only neutral observer anyone could find, so he became the referee. ...Yes, that Marvin the Martian, who always wants to blow up the Earth. Needless to say, the Monstars get away with slapping, kicking, punching and teeing off on the Tune Squad players, while the scoreboard spins crazily. At halftime, the score is Monstars 66, Tune Squad 18, and everyone is worn-out and getting a little despairing. And Stan gets beat up by the Monstars after spying on them. That's when Bugs and Michael get a bottle of "Michael's Secret Stuff", which relights the fires of hope and determination, and they set out to defend their world in the second half.
     It's rather zany. Yosemite Sam and Elmer Fudd dress up as Men in Black and shoot the Monstars' teeth out, Pepe Le Pew sprays everyone, Lola humiliates Pound repeatedly, and Wile E. Coyote blows up a basket. That's not to say that the Monstars don't wreak more havoc - they squash Stan flatter than a pancake, fry Foghorn Leghorn, and Pound nearly smashes Lola before Bugs shoves her out of the way. This is the final bit that she needs to admit she likes him, too. And after the Stancake incident, where he's rushed out of the arena to the hospital after being re-inflated, Bugs and Daffy remind Michael that this is Looney Tune Land - normal physics don't apply. In order to save his friends, and because of that incurable gambling streak, Michael ups the ante - if the Monstars win, they can take him, but if they lose, they gotta give the NBA players their talent back.
     The score is 77-76, there's ten seconds left and the Monstars have the ball. And with the Tune Squad banged up, they desperately need a fifth player. That's when Bill Murray shows up, and so he, Michael, Daffy, Lola and Bugs have to steal the ball and get it across the court and into the basket. Daffy forces a turnover by tackling Pound, which Bill scoops up, behind-the-back pass to Michael, who passes to Lola, who passes to Daffy, the ball gets deflected away by Bang, only to have Bugs resteal it and give it to Bill, who passes to Michael, who takes off from halfcourt, using Pound as a ramp. He's sailing for a dunk...but here come Bang and Bupkus to tackle him and bring him back down to ground-level! And then Michael's arm stretches and gets longer and loonnnngggger...and time's running out....and the ball drops into the hoop just as the final buzzer sounds. TUNE SQUAD WINS!!!
     It's time for Michael and Stan to get back to Alabama for the baseball game, but first, a final team huddle. "You guys have...well, you've got It. Whatever it is." 
     The Monstars pack Swackhammer up a rocket and launch it into space, before releasing their talent back into the shining basketball, transmogrifying back into the Nerdlucks. "Um....Mr. Bunny? We we're wondering if we could stay with you? We don't want to go back to Moron Mountain. We hate it there. It stinks." "Hmm...I don't know if you're loony enough..." They then do their best Looney Tunes impressions, mixed with Three Stooges.
     Michael rolls his eyes. "Oh, and Bugs?" "Yeah?" "Stay out of trouble." "Oh, you know I will," he agrees. Lola giggles and kisses him.

     So, Michael got back in time for his baseball game, and the Looney Tunes were saved. Also, he gave his opponents their talent back, much to their delight. They suggest that he come back to the NBA. In spring 1995, MJ IS BACK...Larry and Bill watch one of his first games back.

     Besides being an amazing movie that three-year-old sports-obsessed boys love(and their 22-year-old grownup selves), it has a spectacular soundtrack. This comes from a guy who can't stand most rap or hip-hop. The movie might not be a masterpiece of storytelling, but it certainly is a great example of creativity and imagination. Much like Air Bud, Full House or The Big Green, you'll either shudder with horror or love it. I love it.