These books, as far as I know, don't actually exist. But the subjects sound interesting, and I love puns, so...yeah.
"Rugs and Carpets", by Walter Walls.
Walls covers all aspects of this topic of floor-drapery, including Middle Eastern history, the Industrial Revolution and today's modern business. 241 pages, hardback.
"Glory Be! Amen, Brother! and Other Religious Sayings", by Holly Lujah.
Why do older folks sometimes shout agreement during a sermon? How can "Bless your heart" mean such different things whether Grandma says it to someone she doesn't like or a good friend? These and other questions are answered in Holly Lujah's newest title. 143 pages, paperback.
"Early Videogames", by Mrs. Packman.
Pong. Galaga. Dig Dug. Donkey Kong. Space Invaders. Frogger. All classics of the industry that evoke pleasant memories and wistful yearnings for a world with less connections. Interspersed are interviews with gamers, in addition to the business decisions that formed the way we see video games today. 302 pages, hardback, paperback or Kindle edition.
"Safety Tips", by Justin Case.
This world's a dangerous place at times....maybe Mom was right about all those things you never listened to. 54 pages, paperback.
"Lions, Tigers and Bears", by O. Myers.
This charming picture book explains how a small cat learns not to be afraid of bigger animals, in announcing their ballgames. 41 pages, hardback.
"Quilts", by Blaine Keys.
A fascinating coffee-table book ideal for those winter nights during a storm when the power goes out. Examines patterns and how their names came to be; as well as the mechanical process and social connectivity of creating quilts. 314 pages, paperback.
"The Big Book of Basketball Stats", by R.E. Bounds.
Every conceivable hoops fact imaginable can be found in this book, as well as a great many inconceivable as well. What year did Abe Saperstein form the Harlem Globetrotters? How important was George Mikan's influence on professional basketball? How far-out was the ABA's original 3-point shot? Find those and many more sports-bar stumpers inside the pages of this book. 422 pages, hardback.
"Ajax vs. Comet" and "Clorox vs. Tide", both by Dee Tergents.
In these books on cleaning materials, the author examines the creation of artificial grime-removal solutions and the branding wars that resulted as marketing has become ever more important. 224 and 253 pages, respectively, both available in paperback or Kindle editions.
"Bad Singers Found Here", by Cole Showers.
Ever wonder what happens to all those American Idol contestants who fail miserably in auditions? Or what made them try out in the first place? Showers on these questions and more in his book which came about, incidentally, in the bathroom, while pondering why good(and delusional) ideas come when least expecting them. 226 pages, available in hardback, paperback, Kindle or audiobook versions.
"COWS!", by Bo Vine.
Everything is covered here, from mating to milking, heifers to Holsteins, castration to curing meat. Stanchions, slaughter, breeds and brands. Cattle drives through Texas and Wisconsin milk-producers. 347 pages, hardback or paperback.
"Town Drunks", by Otis Campbell.
The definitive word on the subject; examining the town drunk's role in small-town society and politics, as well as in popular music, movies and TV shows. 245 pages, hardback.
"The History of Church Clocks", by Father Tim E. Pieces.
Not many know of the interesting twists and turns of how their local church's clocks came to be. Here are laid clues for future sleuthing laid throughout as the author relates the accounts of six such clocks. 361 pages, hardback or paperback. His son Reese S. wrote a book called "Bite Sized Candy"(224 pages, paperback), which if purchased together save 21% the retail price.
"Opera Music", by H.I. Notes.
The complete beginner's guide to opera in textbook format. 674 pages, hardback.
"The Encyclopedia of Pool", by Bill Iards.
Iards puts a masterful new spin on the game associated with gentlemen, murders, con artists, back rooms, and seedy bars, shooting into the game's role on slang and literature, among other things. We chalk it up as a masterpiece. (Disclaimer: Some sections caused our staff to break down loudly.) 477 pages, hardback or paperback.
"Camp Memories", by Lottie Goodtimes.
Remembrances of tales of summer camp or church camps throughout the country. 197 pages, paperback.
"Snoopy: A Biography", by Bea Giles.
From his beginnings at the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm to coming to live with Charlie Brown and the Peanuts Gang, all the way to piloting the Metlife blimp and appearing in Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade; America's favorite beagle's life story is presented with personal insights from family and friends. 362 pages, hardback.
Friday, May 23, 2014
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Backyard Kids - Baseball Rankings
Why, I'm not sure, but baseball's been on my mind recently. Which is strange, since I don't really care for it all that much. But anyway, I thought it'd be a good excuse to throw my version of ranking the players from the Backyard Baseball League out into the blogosphere. (It's an interesting subject, and you'd be amazed at how many people have done this. It's the kind of thing you Google-search when you're a college student and it's past midnight.)
If you are(or were) a coach of the Bombers, Fishes, Giants, Hornets, Socks, Rockets, Melonheads, Monsters or Wombats, (or the All-Stars, but they never really counted, I thought, because A: It sounds arrogant and pretentious to call your team "the All-Stars", and B: Their logo was terrible.) Anyway, whichever team you're gonna be the manager of, you're gonna need to have some players. And you're gonna need to know your players' names, isn't that right? That's right. (Yes, that is a "Who's on First?" reference.)
(By the way, since we're referencing different diamond-related items, here's a link to a equally fictional news story about what they're doing now.)
But, anyway, it's pretty simple: I'm going to rank, from least to greatest, all 30 players in the league. Stats given reflect Hitting, Running, Pitching and Fielding, in that order, they were assigned by Humongous Entertainment.
Level One - THE GRUMPY CAT-LEVEL "NO". -
30 - Jorge "Bonkers" Garcia (2-2-2-2) Date of birth 10/17
Ugh....where to start? He can't field anything cleanly(which is helpful when he's on the other team), and he's almost an automatic strikeout when he's at the plate(which, again, is quite useful). I've rarely seen him pitch, but I doubt he could do that very well, either. Jorge just isn't athletic. And he's a rich snob. And he WEARS A TIE. And he's constantly fussing about not wanting to get dirty.
29 - Maria "Pinky" Luna (3-3-1-3) dob 7/23
"Not too sweet, not too sour....just a little too, ah, pink." - Uncle Max, Sound of Music. That quote works perfectly for Maria. And she's just so annoyingly girly-girlish. It's almost sad how much malicious enjoyment I got from tossing Angela's fastballs and fireballs past that prim starched batter at the plate.
28 - Ronny "The Pest" Dobbs (3-2-3-2) dob 8/10
He is and always will be "The Pest". He cries at the drop of a hat, and at all other times is just extremely whiny. There are few experiences more embarrassing in the Backyard Sports Universe than allowing Ronny to get a hit off you.
27 - Sally "The Boss" Dobbs (2-3-2-3) dob 11/11
Just as insufferable as her little brother, but even worse, if that's possible, due to her unbearablebossiness. As Vinnie the Gooch said, "The Boss is kinda like a 40-year-old in a kid's body." One small area of praise: if needed, she could be a decent relief pitcher.
26 - Reese "Big Toe" Worthington (2-3-1-3) dob 5/25
Poor Reese....what happened to him when he grew up? His asthma was so bad it kept him from playing almost every sport(though he was a decent soccer player), and he was just kind of....weak. Not exactly a sissy, but....well, small and unathletic. And what kind of nickname is "Big Toe", anyway? Always wished someone cooler would have had a birthday this close to mine.
25 - Ernie "Funnybones" Steele (2-2-3-4) dob 4/21
Ugh....sure, he could hit line drives pretty decently, and was about a mile tall, so could snatch balls no kid should have been able to get to without a ladder or Moon Boots, but his personality was SO AGGRAVATING! And his jokes weren't at all funny, and that giggling cackle of a laugh...."shivers in indignation". No telling how many holes I put into his family's shed or balls launched into the neighbors' swimming pool at Steele Stadium.
Level Two - "They're All Right, I Guess."
24 - Marky "Cootie" Du Bois (3-1-3-3) dob 9/6
Too much of a farmer. I mean, overalls are fine, and so is going barefoot, but carrying around a frog constantly? Also, when we were allowed to play ball in the pasture at the Du Bois Diamond it always seemed like a cheap rip-off of Dirt Yards(probably my favorite field of all time). Always hoped he'd get Billy Jean to notice him, though.
23 - Lisa "Mad Dog" Crockett (2-3-3-2) dob 12/4
Baseball just isn't Lisa's sport. Set her up as a linebacker on the football field or goalie in soccer, or get her on the ice for some hockey, and she'll be a great asset for your team. But baseball isn't aggressive enough, which is why she plays sports in the first place. Also, she has trouble getting along with people, so that really doesn't help much either.
22 - Dmitri "Paste" Petrovich (3-3-1-2) dob 6/9
If it's football, I'll take Dmitri as a lineman/kicker for sure, but anything else? Forget it! His defense is okay, but he can't hit worth anything. And he's far too brilliant, it rubs people the wrong way. he did build Mr. Clanky with Kenny, though; so that's something.
21 - Dante "Stretch" Robinson (2-4-3-2) dob 3/3
"I see London, I see France/I see your underpants!" has to be among the most annoyingly memorable infield chatter/jeers ever. And he has an Afro. His bat was too small to justify picking him very often, but that just meant he'd make several amazing defensive plays a game which would frustrate me to no end. And his appetite....haven't ya ever heard of moderation, dude?
20 - Vicki "Swan" Kawaguchi (1-4-3-4) dob 11/5
I'd occasionally play Vicki if I needed some fielding help and it was a fast playing surface(for example, Tin Can Alley or Cement Gardens). But she just wasn't one of those people I enjoyed spending time with....something to do with the obsession over ballet, probably. And the tiny space covered by her swing.
19 - Amir "Sticks" Khan (3-2-3-2) dob 9/1
Another person, like Ronny, Vicki or Angela, suffering the Little Sibling Effect: You constantly judge them based on the accomplishments of their older siblings. Amir was fine, I guess, but just seemed like he was always trying too hard to copy Achmed and never quite could match him. Probably dropping his air-guitar-bat coming to the plate didn't help much there. Can't hit anything inside.
18 - Gretchen "Jabberjaw" Hasselhoff (2-3-3-1) dob 5/31
SHE. WON'T. STOP. TALKING. That's mainly why I disliked her, and was also disappointed that her birthday was so close to mine. But she was a decent player otherwise.
17 - Kimmy "Twinkle Toes" Eckman (3-1-2-2) dob 6/22
Kimmy and sports(especially soccer, but anything really) go together "like chocolate and peanut butter", as she likes to say. Not spectacular at anything, but a solid player who'll try her hardest to help the team win. And her backyard makes a great field. Often picked for ensuring good team chemistry.
Level Three - The Good, But...
16 - Tony "Vec" Delvecchio (3-2-2-3) dob 7/16
Sure, Tony's cocky and brash and overconfident, and he wouldn't be the easiest guy to hang out with, y'know? But listen, Slick; he's got one heck of an arm, which can come in mighty handy on those close plays late in the game. Set him in the outfield, especially at Playground Commons, and you'll do pretty well, kid.
15 - Billy Jean "Crazy Legs" Blackwood (3-2-2-2) dob 1/26
She's extremely tall, with city dreams of becoming a model and moving to "Pair-eese". But she's as country in attitude as they come, and easy to get along with, too. Not much help at the plate except for occasional line-drive singles, but she's usually good for advancing runners already on base. And she's a great first baseman, even though sometimes she has trouble catching the ball.
14 - Mikey "Nugget" Thomas (4-1-2-3) dob 10/19
He has a never-ending cold, is slower than the last week of school, has a pet rock and lives with his grandparents because his parents died (supposedly in a house fire). But he's a pretty good infielder at second or short, and can hit the ball a mile if he connects well.
13 - Kenny "K-Man" Kawaguchi (2-4-3-2) dob 10/20
"Don't let the wheelchair fool ya," Kenny will be the first to say. He can play pretty well; contact hitter, above-average on the mound, and good fielding. If it's a slow surface, though(say Dirt Yards or Sandy Flats), his (literal) wheels really don't work so well.
12 - Stephanie "Bubbles" Morgan (3-3-2-3) dob 8/15
Stephanie LOVES baseball, as she'll gladly tell you about if you give her half a second. It's her life. Her dad was a minor leaguer, and he taught her everything she knows; including Babe Ruth's batting stance. (It doesn't help much if sneaky pitchers know she can't touch anything outside...heheheh.) She's a natural shortstop, though she can really play almost anywhere in the infield.
11 - Luanne "Lulu" Lui (2-4-3-1) dob 1/27
The youngest of the Backyard Kids, she's also one of the fastest there is. Bunt or weak grounder, and then a flash of little girl and inseparable pink teddy bear around the basepaths. She can also pitch surprisingly well, if needed.
10, 9 - Ashley "Little Smokey" and Sidney "Little Smokey" Webber (2-3-3-2) dob 2/18
Nobody has figured out a way to tell the Webbers apart, so it's probably best to play them together. If tennis was an official Backyard sport, they'd be world-class. It's not, though....but that natural athleticism pays off well in any sort of competition. They work best when they're working together, but can do almost as well on different teams. Besides, how can you dislike them? (Other unofficial sports they'd be amazing at: Volleyball, Frisbee, and mini-golf.)
8 - Ricky "Fella" Johnson (2-3-3-2) dob 2/14
Ricky's quiet, doesn't talk much if he can help it. He prefers to let his play talk for him; he's nearly unhittable when pitching(those slowballs and hooks will get ya every time), and a pretty good fielder besides. Of course, his ambling pace combined with laid-back swing mean a for-sure out on offense.
Level Four - Topps
7 - Annie "Flipper" Frazier (3-3-1-3) dob 9/18
Okay, I never really understood her lack of competitive-ness, and she's kind of a hippie, but she would make a fantastic teammate. Contact hitter, great catcher and overall team-encourager.
6 - Achmed "Axeman" Khan (4-3-2-2) dob 7/11
This dude rocks. Like, seriously. Kind of amazing he hasn't gone deaf with those massive headphones he wears(so were those, like, Beats before Beats existed?), but as much as he's into music outside of the game, on a baseball diamond he's pretty great, too. Doubles and triples, good fielding, decent pitcher for short periods, even a handful of stolen bases are possible with this guy on your team. And he's a terrific outfielder. (And what's even farther out than that: He's the third-bestguy in the league.)
5 - Jocinda "MVP" Smith (4-2-2-4) dob 9/28
Jocinda is a great team leader; she'll get things done and her teammates will enjoy following her. That said, she's a very good athlete, but not the best. She's a good bet anywhere in the infield or outfield, though a little slow. Ground-rule double hitter, with a Kryptonite-level weakness of inability to hit pitches low and inside.
4 - Angela "Sugar Pop" Delvecchio (3-1-4-1) dob 12/20
What Annie lacks in competitive spirit; Angela more than makes up for on the mound. Batters dread facing her arsenal of speed-trap pitches, most notably her fastball, fireball and elevator ball. And at the plate, if she talk her bat into meeting that ball, they're gonna go places. Sure, she's a klutz, but it's pretty obvious where she should play, and her sarcasm and cockiness is a more-easily-accepted diluted version of Tony's. And man, if they play each other....
3 - Kiesha "Flash" Phillips (4-4-2-3) dob 4/2
Kiesha's a clown, it's hard not to like her. (Except her name is spelled weird.) But she can field, she can hit, and she can run.
2 - Pete "Wheelie" Wheeler (3-4-3-3) dob 10/13
Pete's a little spacey, for sure.(Catchphrase: "....What am I s'posed to do again?" Or his batter chatter: "Don't score a touchdown...") But if you can get him going in the right direction....good luck catching up. The fastest kid anybody in the Neighborhood has ever seen, he can catch okay and hit amazingly. (His power range goes from ordinary bunting to home-run-strength.) The tales of his exploits in games would be hard to catalogue. In fact, they may even surpass the top player...
1 - Pablo "The Secret Weapon" Sanchez (4-4-3-4) dob 8/18
Could it be anyone else? Almost unmastered in everything. ESPECIALLY baseball. I mean, he's even got his own field(Casa de Pablo)!
That top tier was hard to rank, cause everyone is so closely matched in skills. It could easily have had a different arrangement; but for now, this will do.
My typical team: The Super-Duper Wombats, wearing orange, or Red Rockets, or Green Hornets. Outfield: Pablo, Achmed and Jocinda. Infield: Some combination of Pete, Mikey, Stephanie, Luanne and Billy Jean. Pitcher: Angela or Ricky. Catcher: Annie.
I'd like to see a game with the Wombats facing the Rockets with the following players: Wombats - Angela, Pete, Kiesha, Kenny, Tony, Dante, Achmed, Ashley and Billy Jean. Rockets - Ricky, Pablo, Jocinda, Annie, Luanne, Stephanie, Sidney, Mikey and Kimmy. Play it at Cement Gardens...yeah, that'd be something to watch.
The Rankings of Power-Up Pitches(so not counting fastballs, slowballs, and left/right hooks):
7 - Crazyball. It was actually pretty easy to hit, and you could hear it coming.
6 - Corkscrew: Same, harder to control where the ball went, but it was also relatively easy to connect with this pitch. And almost nobody could throw it very well.
5 - Spitball: Disgusting, and tough to get a good hold on.
4 - Slo-Mo: Maddening. If you were really patient, though, you could get a nice hit off this one.
3 - Elevator Ball: Surprisingly hard to throw well, and it usually resulted in a pop fly if misjudged.
2 - Fireball: Angela and Achmed were about the only people who could control this one accurately, and it was near-impossible to hit(though it could be turned into a grounder on rare occasions).
1 - Big Freeze: The most unfair pitch ever devised. Absolutely unhittable. And almost as tough to throw.
If you've made it this far, you either don't have anything else to do or you really loved Backyard Baseball. Either way, thanks for reading!
If you are(or were) a coach of the Bombers, Fishes, Giants, Hornets, Socks, Rockets, Melonheads, Monsters or Wombats, (or the All-Stars, but they never really counted, I thought, because A: It sounds arrogant and pretentious to call your team "the All-Stars", and B: Their logo was terrible.) Anyway, whichever team you're gonna be the manager of, you're gonna need to have some players. And you're gonna need to know your players' names, isn't that right? That's right. (Yes, that is a "Who's on First?" reference.)
(By the way, since we're referencing different diamond-related items, here's a link to a equally fictional news story about what they're doing now.)
But, anyway, it's pretty simple: I'm going to rank, from least to greatest, all 30 players in the league. Stats given reflect Hitting, Running, Pitching and Fielding, in that order, they were assigned by Humongous Entertainment.
Level One - THE GRUMPY CAT-LEVEL "NO". -
30 - Jorge "Bonkers" Garcia (2-2-2-2) Date of birth 10/17
Ugh....where to start? He can't field anything cleanly(which is helpful when he's on the other team), and he's almost an automatic strikeout when he's at the plate(which, again, is quite useful). I've rarely seen him pitch, but I doubt he could do that very well, either. Jorge just isn't athletic. And he's a rich snob. And he WEARS A TIE. And he's constantly fussing about not wanting to get dirty.
29 - Maria "Pinky" Luna (3-3-1-3) dob 7/23
28 - Ronny "The Pest" Dobbs (3-2-3-2) dob 8/10
He is and always will be "The Pest". He cries at the drop of a hat, and at all other times is just extremely whiny. There are few experiences more embarrassing in the Backyard Sports Universe than allowing Ronny to get a hit off you.
27 - Sally "The Boss" Dobbs (2-3-2-3) dob 11/11
Just as insufferable as her little brother, but even worse, if that's possible, due to her unbearablebossiness. As Vinnie the Gooch said, "The Boss is kinda like a 40-year-old in a kid's body." One small area of praise: if needed, she could be a decent relief pitcher.
26 - Reese "Big Toe" Worthington (2-3-1-3) dob 5/25
Poor Reese....what happened to him when he grew up? His asthma was so bad it kept him from playing almost every sport(though he was a decent soccer player), and he was just kind of....weak. Not exactly a sissy, but....well, small and unathletic. And what kind of nickname is "Big Toe", anyway? Always wished someone cooler would have had a birthday this close to mine.
25 - Ernie "Funnybones" Steele (2-2-3-4) dob 4/21
Ugh....sure, he could hit line drives pretty decently, and was about a mile tall, so could snatch balls no kid should have been able to get to without a ladder or Moon Boots, but his personality was SO AGGRAVATING! And his jokes weren't at all funny, and that giggling cackle of a laugh...."shivers in indignation". No telling how many holes I put into his family's shed or balls launched into the neighbors' swimming pool at Steele Stadium.
Level Two - "They're All Right, I Guess."
24 - Marky "Cootie" Du Bois (3-1-3-3) dob 9/6
Too much of a farmer. I mean, overalls are fine, and so is going barefoot, but carrying around a frog constantly? Also, when we were allowed to play ball in the pasture at the Du Bois Diamond it always seemed like a cheap rip-off of Dirt Yards(probably my favorite field of all time). Always hoped he'd get Billy Jean to notice him, though.
23 - Lisa "Mad Dog" Crockett (2-3-3-2) dob 12/4
Baseball just isn't Lisa's sport. Set her up as a linebacker on the football field or goalie in soccer, or get her on the ice for some hockey, and she'll be a great asset for your team. But baseball isn't aggressive enough, which is why she plays sports in the first place. Also, she has trouble getting along with people, so that really doesn't help much either.
22 - Dmitri "Paste" Petrovich (3-3-1-2) dob 6/9
If it's football, I'll take Dmitri as a lineman/kicker for sure, but anything else? Forget it! His defense is okay, but he can't hit worth anything. And he's far too brilliant, it rubs people the wrong way. he did build Mr. Clanky with Kenny, though; so that's something.
21 - Dante "Stretch" Robinson (2-4-3-2) dob 3/3
"I see London, I see France/I see your underpants!" has to be among the most annoyingly memorable infield chatter/jeers ever. And he has an Afro. His bat was too small to justify picking him very often, but that just meant he'd make several amazing defensive plays a game which would frustrate me to no end. And his appetite....haven't ya ever heard of moderation, dude?
20 - Vicki "Swan" Kawaguchi (1-4-3-4) dob 11/5
I'd occasionally play Vicki if I needed some fielding help and it was a fast playing surface(for example, Tin Can Alley or Cement Gardens). But she just wasn't one of those people I enjoyed spending time with....something to do with the obsession over ballet, probably. And the tiny space covered by her swing.
19 - Amir "Sticks" Khan (3-2-3-2) dob 9/1
Another person, like Ronny, Vicki or Angela, suffering the Little Sibling Effect: You constantly judge them based on the accomplishments of their older siblings. Amir was fine, I guess, but just seemed like he was always trying too hard to copy Achmed and never quite could match him. Probably dropping his air-guitar-bat coming to the plate didn't help much there. Can't hit anything inside.
18 - Gretchen "Jabberjaw" Hasselhoff (2-3-3-1) dob 5/31
SHE. WON'T. STOP. TALKING. That's mainly why I disliked her, and was also disappointed that her birthday was so close to mine. But she was a decent player otherwise.
17 - Kimmy "Twinkle Toes" Eckman (3-1-2-2) dob 6/22
Kimmy and sports(especially soccer, but anything really) go together "like chocolate and peanut butter", as she likes to say. Not spectacular at anything, but a solid player who'll try her hardest to help the team win. And her backyard makes a great field. Often picked for ensuring good team chemistry.
Level Three - The Good, But...
16 - Tony "Vec" Delvecchio (3-2-2-3) dob 7/16
Sure, Tony's cocky and brash and overconfident, and he wouldn't be the easiest guy to hang out with, y'know? But listen, Slick; he's got one heck of an arm, which can come in mighty handy on those close plays late in the game. Set him in the outfield, especially at Playground Commons, and you'll do pretty well, kid.
15 - Billy Jean "Crazy Legs" Blackwood (3-2-2-2) dob 1/26
She's extremely tall, with city dreams of becoming a model and moving to "Pair-eese". But she's as country in attitude as they come, and easy to get along with, too. Not much help at the plate except for occasional line-drive singles, but she's usually good for advancing runners already on base. And she's a great first baseman, even though sometimes she has trouble catching the ball.
14 - Mikey "Nugget" Thomas (4-1-2-3) dob 10/19
He has a never-ending cold, is slower than the last week of school, has a pet rock and lives with his grandparents because his parents died (supposedly in a house fire). But he's a pretty good infielder at second or short, and can hit the ball a mile if he connects well.
13 - Kenny "K-Man" Kawaguchi (2-4-3-2) dob 10/20
"Don't let the wheelchair fool ya," Kenny will be the first to say. He can play pretty well; contact hitter, above-average on the mound, and good fielding. If it's a slow surface, though(say Dirt Yards or Sandy Flats), his (literal) wheels really don't work so well.
12 - Stephanie "Bubbles" Morgan (3-3-2-3) dob 8/15
Stephanie LOVES baseball, as she'll gladly tell you about if you give her half a second. It's her life. Her dad was a minor leaguer, and he taught her everything she knows; including Babe Ruth's batting stance. (It doesn't help much if sneaky pitchers know she can't touch anything outside...heheheh.) She's a natural shortstop, though she can really play almost anywhere in the infield.
11 - Luanne "Lulu" Lui (2-4-3-1) dob 1/27
The youngest of the Backyard Kids, she's also one of the fastest there is. Bunt or weak grounder, and then a flash of little girl and inseparable pink teddy bear around the basepaths. She can also pitch surprisingly well, if needed.
10, 9 - Ashley "Little Smokey" and Sidney "Little Smokey" Webber (2-3-3-2) dob 2/18
Nobody has figured out a way to tell the Webbers apart, so it's probably best to play them together. If tennis was an official Backyard sport, they'd be world-class. It's not, though....but that natural athleticism pays off well in any sort of competition. They work best when they're working together, but can do almost as well on different teams. Besides, how can you dislike them? (Other unofficial sports they'd be amazing at: Volleyball, Frisbee, and mini-golf.)
8 - Ricky "Fella" Johnson (2-3-3-2) dob 2/14
Ricky's quiet, doesn't talk much if he can help it. He prefers to let his play talk for him; he's nearly unhittable when pitching(those slowballs and hooks will get ya every time), and a pretty good fielder besides. Of course, his ambling pace combined with laid-back swing mean a for-sure out on offense.
Level Four - Topps
7 - Annie "Flipper" Frazier (3-3-1-3) dob 9/18
Okay, I never really understood her lack of competitive-ness, and she's kind of a hippie, but she would make a fantastic teammate. Contact hitter, great catcher and overall team-encourager.
6 - Achmed "Axeman" Khan (4-3-2-2) dob 7/11
This dude rocks. Like, seriously. Kind of amazing he hasn't gone deaf with those massive headphones he wears(so were those, like, Beats before Beats existed?), but as much as he's into music outside of the game, on a baseball diamond he's pretty great, too. Doubles and triples, good fielding, decent pitcher for short periods, even a handful of stolen bases are possible with this guy on your team. And he's a terrific outfielder. (And what's even farther out than that: He's the third-bestguy in the league.)
5 - Jocinda "MVP" Smith (4-2-2-4) dob 9/28
Jocinda is a great team leader; she'll get things done and her teammates will enjoy following her. That said, she's a very good athlete, but not the best. She's a good bet anywhere in the infield or outfield, though a little slow. Ground-rule double hitter, with a Kryptonite-level weakness of inability to hit pitches low and inside.
4 - Angela "Sugar Pop" Delvecchio (3-1-4-1) dob 12/20
What Annie lacks in competitive spirit; Angela more than makes up for on the mound. Batters dread facing her arsenal of speed-trap pitches, most notably her fastball, fireball and elevator ball. And at the plate, if she talk her bat into meeting that ball, they're gonna go places. Sure, she's a klutz, but it's pretty obvious where she should play, and her sarcasm and cockiness is a more-easily-accepted diluted version of Tony's. And man, if they play each other....
3 - Kiesha "Flash" Phillips (4-4-2-3) dob 4/2
Kiesha's a clown, it's hard not to like her. (Except her name is spelled weird.) But she can field, she can hit, and she can run.
2 - Pete "Wheelie" Wheeler (3-4-3-3) dob 10/13
Pete's a little spacey, for sure.(Catchphrase: "....What am I s'posed to do again?" Or his batter chatter: "Don't score a touchdown...") But if you can get him going in the right direction....good luck catching up. The fastest kid anybody in the Neighborhood has ever seen, he can catch okay and hit amazingly. (His power range goes from ordinary bunting to home-run-strength.) The tales of his exploits in games would be hard to catalogue. In fact, they may even surpass the top player...
1 - Pablo "The Secret Weapon" Sanchez (4-4-3-4) dob 8/18
Could it be anyone else? Almost unmastered in everything. ESPECIALLY baseball. I mean, he's even got his own field(Casa de Pablo)!
That top tier was hard to rank, cause everyone is so closely matched in skills. It could easily have had a different arrangement; but for now, this will do.
My typical team: The Super-Duper Wombats, wearing orange, or Red Rockets, or Green Hornets. Outfield: Pablo, Achmed and Jocinda. Infield: Some combination of Pete, Mikey, Stephanie, Luanne and Billy Jean. Pitcher: Angela or Ricky. Catcher: Annie.
I'd like to see a game with the Wombats facing the Rockets with the following players: Wombats - Angela, Pete, Kiesha, Kenny, Tony, Dante, Achmed, Ashley and Billy Jean. Rockets - Ricky, Pablo, Jocinda, Annie, Luanne, Stephanie, Sidney, Mikey and Kimmy. Play it at Cement Gardens...yeah, that'd be something to watch.
The Rankings of Power-Up Pitches(so not counting fastballs, slowballs, and left/right hooks):
7 - Crazyball. It was actually pretty easy to hit, and you could hear it coming.
6 - Corkscrew: Same, harder to control where the ball went, but it was also relatively easy to connect with this pitch. And almost nobody could throw it very well.
5 - Spitball: Disgusting, and tough to get a good hold on.
4 - Slo-Mo: Maddening. If you were really patient, though, you could get a nice hit off this one.
3 - Elevator Ball: Surprisingly hard to throw well, and it usually resulted in a pop fly if misjudged.
2 - Fireball: Angela and Achmed were about the only people who could control this one accurately, and it was near-impossible to hit(though it could be turned into a grounder on rare occasions).
1 - Big Freeze: The most unfair pitch ever devised. Absolutely unhittable. And almost as tough to throw.
If you've made it this far, you either don't have anything else to do or you really loved Backyard Baseball. Either way, thanks for reading!
Sunday, April 13, 2014
"The Voice of the Prairie"
This post is hyper-local and will age easily, but there were too many great quotes I got that I couldn't use for the video. So....well, I did what I usually do: Write.
The NSU Theater Company will be taking us back in time this week for their upcoming production, "The Voice of the Prairie", to be held Wednesday through Saturday at 7:30 p.m. at the NSU Playhouse.
The time is the early 1900's; there will be a war in Europe within twenty years, some boys from Ohio recently built a flying machine out on a North Carolina beach, and Henry Ford is jumping into the foolhardy venture of making horseless carriages. There also is a newfangled contraption called the "radio", invented by some Italian fella. Leon Schwab is a New York City DJ/radio salesman trying to drum up business in his Midwest region area. He finds a farmer in Nebraska named David Quinn with a gift for storytelling, and Schwab sets Quinn up on the airwaves as "The Voice of the Prairie", telling tales of his childhood.
A frequent character of these tales is a girl named Frankie, who is played by Susan Fenrich. "Even if I wasn't playing Frankie, I think she'd still be my favorite character. She's really feisty - and blind, too, that's an interesting thing about her - but she's a really strong character and really fun to play. No matter what goes on in her life she still has a really positive attitude, and that's what I thinking the most interesting thing about the play was."
Practices were begun in early March, and while the play typically uses only three actors, this production will have a larger cast of around or eight, and all props will be imaginary, according to Knickel Sloan, who plays Schwab.
A play would be impossible to put on without a crew to run lighting, build the set, and numerous other behind-the-scenes details the audience takes for granted. Drew Latta serves as stage manager, which he describes as basically "a glorified secretary". Some of his tasks include running rehearsals, overseeing sets onstage and props, keeping track of the cast and coordinating all the stagehands and technical crews.
One of those tech-crew members would be sound operator TJ Jorgensen, who is in charge of the special effects. As a theater major, she enjoys seeing life in the theater from all sides, both in the footlights or behind them. "I find knowing both the roles[cast and crew] helps me to better understand the full concept of being in theater."
Another aspect of the experience is sitting in the audience, which will require a bit more effort while watching this show than it might otherwise, as the set-pieces used will be very minimal, in addition to those invisible props. "It's a rather small set, we have different pieces just as natural transitions to signify that you're in a different place," said Latta. "It's very convenient, and it adds to the creativity, and it adds to the fun of it - you get to create your own set in your mind."
Jorgensen added that you have to really listen to understand, because as Latta said, it's more like reading a book than watching a movie.
As readers know, part of the draw of a really good story is that the characters seem like they would be interesting to hang out with. This would be the draw that pulled Jorgensen toward her major. "My favorite part has to be the people. Because anywhere else, if you were to ask how theater kids act, they would say we're weird, we're out there, we're...a little annoying at times, and very loud. Because we're so used to being on stage and projecting, when we go back into the real world we're very loud and outspoken, we don't really hold anything back."
This feel carries over to the characters in the current show as well; Fenrich stated that she was instantly drawn to the role of Frankie the first time she read the script. "You find that you can connect with the characters; they feel approachable, as it you can just reach out and talk with them," said Latta.
Fenrich agrees: "Honestly, I just really hope that the audience falls in love with the characters like we did, because in a way this play is just a simple little love story."
Tickets for this romantic comedy-drama will be $5 and doors will open at 7 p.m.
Tickets for this romantic comedy-drama will be $5 and doors will open at 7 p.m.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Obscure Details From "The Princess Bride"
Since I love The Princess Bride so much....
Okay, quick question: What is one characteristic of a really gripping, extremely well-crafted story? Details. Would we believe that Star Wars took place in a galaxy far, far away if Tatooine didn't have two suns? Would we appreciate the tale of David and Goliath as much if we didn't know that David gathered five stones from the riverbed or tried to wear King Saul's hopelessly-too-large armor? We wouldn't understand Maycomb County as well without knowing the little things Scout Finch takes for granted. The Arables' kitchen smells of "coffee, bacon, damp plaster and wood smoke from the stove", providing us an idea of exactly what Fern's family's house is like. That we learn J.C. Hogan's wife left him in 1978, because it's referenced by him and Mule Skinner as "the year the Chicago Daily News went belly-up" and "the year the Cowboys beat the Broncos in the Super Bowl 27 to 10." (Further wonderful detail is that neither of these tidbits help Father Tim understand what year his friends are talking about in the least.)
Well, that's just barely scratching the surface of what I mean here, only covering George Lucas, the Bible, Harper Lee and Jan Karon. This post is concerned with the brilliant detailing of the satirical abridgment of S. Morgenstern's satirical history of the Florinese royalty known as The Princess Bride, written by William Goldman. First off, as the narrator highlights, the full title is The Princess Bride: S. Morgenstern's Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure, he points out that you've got to love somebody who calls his own book a classic before it's been published or anybody else has had a chance to read it. And you do, just for the audacity of the deed. Furthermore, the extensive, extremely dry and entirely fictitious prologue explaining how the book came to be abridged is a masterstroke of Sicilian-level genius. Anyway, there's so many wonderful little details hidden all throughout the prologue and the book itself; creating an entirely plausible world that a lot of people would love to visit. I mean, the very first sentence has a hook that fuels a ferocious desire to find out what happens next: "This is my favorite book in all the world; though I have never read it." (Jaw drops in admiration for his writing skill. Isn't that just a wonderful beginning?) I named this blog after a passage from the sword-fight scene. So, much like the one about the little-noticed details of "The Big Green", this post takes a look at the terrific details fromThe Princess Bride(the book version.)
This sentence - the writer casting himself as the narrator describing his childhood - could have totally been written about my growing-up: "Basketball, baseball, marbles - I could never get enough. I wasn't even very good at them, but give me a football and an empty playground and I could invent last-second comebacks that would bring tears to your eyes." And he continues in the next paragraph with this: "I seemed busy, busy, busy, but I suppose, if pressed I would have admitted that, for all my frenzy, I was very much alone." And that's just on the first page!
That the narrator's radio is a Zenith; and it was a fall Friday in 1941 when he caught pneumonia, trying to catch the Northwestern-Notre Dame football game over the airwaves. And that his father was a Florinese immigrant whose English always stayed ridiculously immigranty; he worked all his life as the number-two-chair barber at the least popular barber shop in Highland Park, Illinois. His father died in that barber chair, and it took an hour for the number-one-chair barber to realize this because he thought the corpse was taking a nap.
S. Morgenstern had a head shaped like a giant balloon.
"Does it have any sports in it?" "Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Poison. True love. Hate. Revenge. Giants. Hunters. Bad men. Good men. Beautifulest ladies. Snakes. Spiders. Beasts of all natures and pain and descriptions. Pain. Death. Brave men. Coward men. Strongest men. Chases. Escapes. Lies. Truth. Passion. Miracles." "Sounds okay."
I've always read the prologue in the voice of The Wonder Years's narrator. Only recently I just realized that's probably because Fred Savage plays the Grandson in the movie.
THE BOOK -
All these side notes about who the most beautiful woman in the world was and why she yielded that position...the first sentence of the actual book begins: "The year Buttercup was born, the most beautiful woman in the world was a French scullery maid named Annette." Can you get a much more fairy-tale opening than that, not using the whole "Once upon a time..." cliche?
Anyway, Annette worked in Paris for the Duke and Duchess de Guiche, and it's not long before the Duke discovers that someone extraordinary is polishing the pewter. The Duchess notices this, and begins studying Annette for some flaw in her character(or appearance would be close enough). Annette's Achilles heel is chocolate, which the Duchess plants in strategic places all throughout the castle, and Annette grows from delicate to whopping inside a season. That takes care of the whole "most beautiful woman in the world" thing. She marries the pastry chef afterwards and they both ate a lot until old age claimed them.
And when Buttercup was ten, the most beautiful woman was an Indian woman, the daughter of a Bengali tea merchant, with skin of such dusky perfection unseen for eighty years. Then smallpox came, and that took care of that.
And when Buttercup was fifteen, the most beautiful woman was Adela of Sussex-on-the-Thames, who had 104 suitors, and one night worried her perfect complexion away over the fact that she would not always be young and beautiful.
All these wonderful asides to the audience(but of course, this was before audiencial asides.) It confuses you so much as to when this story takes place, but at the same time adds to the heightened realism. (This was before ulcers. And before Voltaire. After mirrors, obviously. They had acres then, and arguments too. It was before Europe, but after Paris. And after taste, too, but only just. This was before glamour. It came after stew, but so does everything else; and long after spats. This was after taxes, but they were here even before stew. This was after blue jeans, which were invented considerably earlier than most people suppose. It was just after America, but long after fortunes. It was long, long after hairdressers. This was before trains, but well after carpenters. It was before emergency wards, but not before doctors, although in Turkey doctors hadn't started setting bones yet - that was the domain of the milkmen. Golf balls were around already, but this was before "The Lady or the Tiger", remember.) And the game of golf, as everyone knows, was invented by Brandobras Took, the only hobbit ever big enough to ride a horse, slicing off a goblin's head, which sailed through the air for a hundred yards before dropping into a rabbit hole. The game spread at some unknown time from the Shire to Scotland, and then to the rest of the world. (Okay, I went off-topic there and brought in some Lord of the Rings elements....back to Goldman now.)
The parenthetical statistics given at every available opportunity: (There have only been eleven perfect complexions in India since accurate recording began; Adela Terrell had 104 suitors; Buttercup's parents were having their 33rd spat of the day when the Count and Countess drive up. Originally "jealousy" was a term solely relating to plants, which is how the term "green with jealousy" came to be, and Buttercup's current case was a close fourth on the all-time list. There have been five great kisses since its accidental invention in 1642 B.C., and while no one completely agrees on the exact formula, they all agreed that those five deserved perfect marks.) There are far more parenthetical statistics given throughout the rest of the novel, but as it's taken me a couple months to re-read it again for the sixth(ish? Possibly more) time, I forgot to keep a lookout for stats past this point.
The Countess settled permanently in Paris at some point to indulge her passion for fabrics and ran the only salon of international consequence, naturally.
Buttercup's parents did not exactly have what could be called a happy marriage; as all they ever dreamed about was leaving each other, but they died within a week apart. Her father is described as "a tiny mutt of a man, a terrible farmer, and not much of a husband either." Her mother was "a gnarled shrimp of a woman, a terrible cook and an even more limited housekeeper."
After the wonderfully odd cow-feeding scene, Buttercup spends almost three full pages thinking about the Countess and Westley and how people don't look at each other that way because of their teeth. And then at dawn the next morning she tells him that she loves him, in one page-long paragraph, words rushing out incoherently in an onslaught of emotion, and then does the bravest thing she'd ever done; looking him straight into his eyes. And what is his response? "He closed the door in her face. Without a word. Without a word."
Buttercup's hair is the "color of autumn", which is a great way of expressing it - but I'm still having trouble seeing her as a redhead.
Another great hallmark of William Goldman's writing, specifically this book, but also in a couple of his others, is the use of repetition, and then snapping into an analogy that makes you pause and think a minute before going on to the next sentence. Prince Humperdinck was shaped like a barrel, with a big barrel chest and big barrel thighs, and he walked like a crab sideways so that if he'd wished to be a ballet dancer he would have been doomed to an endless life of miserable frustration.
Sixty-six pages have been edited out of Chapter Two, The Groom, because they were irrelevant history of the Florinese monarchy. The resulting chapter is about three and a half pages long.
Queen Bella was shaped like a gumdrop, colored like a raspberry and was easily the most beloved person in the kingdom; but as the only stepmothers Humperdinck had ever heard of were evil, he always called her "Evil Stepmother", or "E.S." for short.
The chapter names and lengths, all choppy and mixed up from the typical formula. Prologue: 26 pages, Chapter One, The Bride: 23 pages. Chapter Two, The Groom: Three pages. Chapter Four, The Courtship: Seven pages. Chapter Four, Preparations: Zero pages, as it was entirely deleted. Okay, well, technically it's one page long, because the narrator has to explain why he took it out. Chapter Five, The Announcement: 92 pages long. Chapter Six, The Festivities: 52 pages long. Chapter Seven, The Wedding: 33 pages. Chapter Eight, Honeymoon: 16 pages.
Florin and Guilder have mainly stayed alive by warring near-constantly on each other. There's been the Olive War, the Tuna Fish Discrepancy(which nearly sent both nations into bankruptcy), the Roman Rift(which did send them into insolvency) and the Discord of the Emeralds, where they both got rich again by banding together and robbing everyone else within sailing distance.
Chapter Three, The Courtship, is possibly one of the best places in the book. The abridger slashed out 56 1/2 pages of packing, and leaves in these brilliant two paragraphs: "At 8:23 there seemed to be every chance of a lasting alliance forming between Florin and Guilder. At 8:24 the two countries were very close to war." Which is followed by three pages describing exactly what happened in those sixty seconds and the aftermath, and then by far the best courtship passage ever written in all literature.
From a narrative point of view, in all 105 pages of Chapter Four, Preparations, nothing happens.So it can basically be summed up by the sentence, "What with one thing and another, three years passed." (Buttercup is made Princess of Hammersmith, since Humperdinck can't possibly marry a commoner, and is trained in the art of being a princess. Also, both her parents die during this time.)
Vizzini is described as "dark". Sorry, but that just doesn't work....not complexion-wise, at least. Maybe he meant that as far as character goes? Also, he has the gentlest face, almost angelic.
The Cliffs of Insanity were not actually impossible to scale; two men had been known to climb them in the last century alone.
Inigo was raised by his father Domingo in the small village of Arabella in the mountains of Central Spain high above the city of Toledo, and he learned to cook from the age of six.
Yeste the swordmaker's fame grows so great that though he raises his price by twelve times there's still a line of royalty waiting for three years to obtain one of his weapons. He is very heavy; he has the only fat thumbs in Madrid.
Inigo searches for the six-fingered man all over Spain and Portugal; France, Italy, Germany, the whole of Switzerland, all of the Balkans, most of Scandinavia, he'd visited the Florinese and the natives of Guilder, gone into Russia and down step by step throughout the entire Mediterranean.
Perhaps thirty men in all the world were the equal of Inigo when he fought left-handed; perhaps as many as fifty, perhaps as few as ten.
Turkish hospital records list a total of eleven children who weighed over twenty pounds at birth, and ninety-five more between fifteen and twenty.
In the book, the Battle of Wits takes place at night. Vizzini always carries a knapsack around with him, and out of this he takes out a small handkerchief on which he then places two goblets of wine, along with some cheese and some apples.
And this exchange: "I cannot compete with you physically, and you are no match for my brains." "You are that smart?" "There are no words to contain all my wisdom. I am so cunning, so crafty and clever, so filled with deceit, guile and chicanery, such a knave, so shrewd, cagey as well as calculating, as diabolical as I am vulpine, as tricky as I am untrustworthy....well, I have told you that there have not been words invented yet to explain how great my brain is, but let me put it this way: the world is several million years old and several billion people have at one point or another trod upon it, but I, Vizzini the Sicilian, am, speaking with pure candor and modesty, the slickest, sleekest, sliest and wiliest man who has yet come down the pike."
Humperdinck's four whites were snowy, tireless giants, twenty hands high. He rode them all four at a time, bareback, leading the other three at full gallop, leaping from one to another at mid-stride so that none of them would have to bear his great bulk past the tiring point. Very clever, really.
"You think this is a trap, then?" the Count asked. "I always think everything is a trap until proven otherwise," the Prince answered. "Which is why I'm still alive."
The way the narrator slices into Morgenstern's criticism of his wife's criticism about deleting the reunion scene.
The largest known fire swamp in the world is, of course, a day's drive from Perth. It's over twenty-five miles square and completely impenetrable. The Florin-Guilder Fire Swamp is barely a third of that size, and nobody knows whether it's impenetrable or not.
Buttercup is 18 when this story begins, when the Count and Countess visit and she realizes she loves Westley and he sails for America, etc. What with one thing and another, three years pass, so she's 21 now. Based on their conversation about nightmares heading into the Fire Swamp, Westley is somewhere between 21 and 23 years old.
Nobody had ever explained to the cook of the Revenge the difference between table salt and cayenne pepper until Westley took the trouble, much to the Dread Pirate Roberts' relief.
Of course, he wasn't really the Dread Pirate Roberts; no, his full name was Felix Raymond Ryan, who inherited the ship from Cummerbund, who inherited it from Clooney, who was first mate to the original Dread Pirate Roberts, who had been retired somewhere between fifteen and twenty years by then and was living like a king in Patagonia.
It took them seven hours to walk through and get out of the Fire Swamp, and that first hour was by far the easiest. However, those following six hours are irrelevant to this story, so they're passed over in a sentence. WHAT. A. DAY. Whew....
Chapter Six, The Festivities is pretty much about just that; going on for 44 (deleted) pages as Humperdinck grows more interested and mannerly towards Buttercup. Then in a handful of quick flashbacks Morgenstern gets back to the real story. Inigo hates the Thieves Quarter; everyone is so big and dangerous and muscular; and he looked like a skinny Spanish guy it might be fun to rob. We also miss a six-page soliloquy from Inigo about fleeting glory.
A full page of elaboration on a three-word sentence(those seem to be the most mysterious and powerful of all sentence structures, don't they?) Anyway, the three-word sentence is this: Life isn't fair.
Buttercup's nightmares in Chapter Six are horrifying. Just....terrifying and awful.
Count Rugen has spent eleven years constructing The Machine, which appears to be an great conglomeration of soft-rimmed cups of infinitely varied sizes, together with some glue and a dial and a lever.
The average Florinese male lives to about 65, and the Count sucked away ten years of Westley's life during the week that Yellin was assembling his Brute Squad.
The narrator's retelling of the moment he learned that Westley died while Humperdinck lived. "I buried my head into the pillow and never cried like that again, not once to this day. I could almost feel my heart emptying onto my pillow. I guess the most amazing thing about crying is that when you're in it, you think it'll go on forever, but it never really lasts as long as you think. Not in terms of real time. In terms of real emotions, it's worse than you think, but not by the clock."
Max had married Valerie eighty years ago when they were both at Miracle School, she was a potion ladler, not a witch; but at that time every miracle man had to have a witch, so he called her one in public since she didn't mind, and she had learned enough of the witch trade over the years to pass herself off as authentic under pressure. In the old days, before Max was fired, the hut was where they tried experiments...and now it was their home. When Inigo and Fezzik bring Westley in, it's almost midnight, and Max was in the middle of reading a very-well-written article on eagle's claws. Valerie is described in the "Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!" speech as "an ancient tiny fury". (Isn't that just a wonderful description?)
The narrator clips about twenty pages and thirteen hours' worth of unnecessary action while Max and Valerie are concocting the miracle pill, as it was all too "Wizard of Oz"-like, apparently.
Switching swiftly back and forth minute-by-minute describing what action is taking place simultaneously all throughout the castle in Chapter Eight, The Honeymoon.
In the book, the wedding is performed by the Archdean(as opposed to the movie's Impressive Clergyman). His full amount of speaking lines: "Mawidge. Mawidge-" (Interrupted by Humperdinck) "Mawidge is a dweam wiffin a dweam...the dweam of wuv wapped wiffin the gweater dweam of everwasting west. Eternity is our fwiend, wemember that, and wuv wiw fowwow you fowever. (Interrupted again) I'm not there yet. (Interrupted by a now-furious Prince) Man and wife. You're man and wife."
This is the narrator's ending: "That's Morgenstern's ending, a "Lady or the Tiger" type of effect(this was before "The Lady or the Tiger", remember). Now, he was a satirist, so he left it that way, and my father, I guess I realized too late, was a romantic, so he ended it another way. Well, I'm an abridger, so I'm entitled to a couple ideas of my own. Did they make it? Was the pirate ship there? You can answer it for yourself, but for me, I say yes it was. And yes, they got away. And they got their strength back and had their share of adventures and more than their share of laughs. But that doesn't mean I think they had a happy ending, either. Because, in my opinion anyway, they squabbled a lot, and Buttercup lost her looks eventually, and one day Fezzik lost a fight and some hot-shot kid whipped Inigo with a sword and Westley was never able to really sleep sound because of Humperdinck maybe being on the trail. I'm not trying to make this a downer, understand. I really do believe that true love is the greatest thing in the world, except for cough drops. But I also have to say, for the umpy-umpth time, that life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all."
This is how I spend my weekends when snowbound by sleet, snow and negative wind chill. It was a fun project that took quite a while, recording all these little bits....I wonder if I could make an essay or speech based off it somehow? It worked for fairy tales...
If you've never READ the book before...well, hopefully this didn't spoil it too much. But you really should, you'd enjoy it. But as LaVar Burton always used to say, "Hey, don't take my word for it..."
Okay, quick question: What is one characteristic of a really gripping, extremely well-crafted story? Details. Would we believe that Star Wars took place in a galaxy far, far away if Tatooine didn't have two suns? Would we appreciate the tale of David and Goliath as much if we didn't know that David gathered five stones from the riverbed or tried to wear King Saul's hopelessly-too-large armor? We wouldn't understand Maycomb County as well without knowing the little things Scout Finch takes for granted. The Arables' kitchen smells of "coffee, bacon, damp plaster and wood smoke from the stove", providing us an idea of exactly what Fern's family's house is like. That we learn J.C. Hogan's wife left him in 1978, because it's referenced by him and Mule Skinner as "the year the Chicago Daily News went belly-up" and "the year the Cowboys beat the Broncos in the Super Bowl 27 to 10." (Further wonderful detail is that neither of these tidbits help Father Tim understand what year his friends are talking about in the least.)
Well, that's just barely scratching the surface of what I mean here, only covering George Lucas, the Bible, Harper Lee and Jan Karon. This post is concerned with the brilliant detailing of the satirical abridgment of S. Morgenstern's satirical history of the Florinese royalty known as The Princess Bride, written by William Goldman. First off, as the narrator highlights, the full title is The Princess Bride: S. Morgenstern's Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure, he points out that you've got to love somebody who calls his own book a classic before it's been published or anybody else has had a chance to read it. And you do, just for the audacity of the deed. Furthermore, the extensive, extremely dry and entirely fictitious prologue explaining how the book came to be abridged is a masterstroke of Sicilian-level genius. Anyway, there's so many wonderful little details hidden all throughout the prologue and the book itself; creating an entirely plausible world that a lot of people would love to visit. I mean, the very first sentence has a hook that fuels a ferocious desire to find out what happens next: "This is my favorite book in all the world; though I have never read it." (Jaw drops in admiration for his writing skill. Isn't that just a wonderful beginning?) I named this blog after a passage from the sword-fight scene. So, much like the one about the little-noticed details of "The Big Green", this post takes a look at the terrific details fromThe Princess Bride(the book version.)
This sentence - the writer casting himself as the narrator describing his childhood - could have totally been written about my growing-up: "Basketball, baseball, marbles - I could never get enough. I wasn't even very good at them, but give me a football and an empty playground and I could invent last-second comebacks that would bring tears to your eyes." And he continues in the next paragraph with this: "I seemed busy, busy, busy, but I suppose, if pressed I would have admitted that, for all my frenzy, I was very much alone." And that's just on the first page!
That the narrator's radio is a Zenith; and it was a fall Friday in 1941 when he caught pneumonia, trying to catch the Northwestern-Notre Dame football game over the airwaves. And that his father was a Florinese immigrant whose English always stayed ridiculously immigranty; he worked all his life as the number-two-chair barber at the least popular barber shop in Highland Park, Illinois. His father died in that barber chair, and it took an hour for the number-one-chair barber to realize this because he thought the corpse was taking a nap.
S. Morgenstern had a head shaped like a giant balloon.
"Does it have any sports in it?" "Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Poison. True love. Hate. Revenge. Giants. Hunters. Bad men. Good men. Beautifulest ladies. Snakes. Spiders. Beasts of all natures and pain and descriptions. Pain. Death. Brave men. Coward men. Strongest men. Chases. Escapes. Lies. Truth. Passion. Miracles." "Sounds okay."
I've always read the prologue in the voice of The Wonder Years's narrator. Only recently I just realized that's probably because Fred Savage plays the Grandson in the movie.
THE BOOK -
All these side notes about who the most beautiful woman in the world was and why she yielded that position...the first sentence of the actual book begins: "The year Buttercup was born, the most beautiful woman in the world was a French scullery maid named Annette." Can you get a much more fairy-tale opening than that, not using the whole "Once upon a time..." cliche?
Anyway, Annette worked in Paris for the Duke and Duchess de Guiche, and it's not long before the Duke discovers that someone extraordinary is polishing the pewter. The Duchess notices this, and begins studying Annette for some flaw in her character(or appearance would be close enough). Annette's Achilles heel is chocolate, which the Duchess plants in strategic places all throughout the castle, and Annette grows from delicate to whopping inside a season. That takes care of the whole "most beautiful woman in the world" thing. She marries the pastry chef afterwards and they both ate a lot until old age claimed them.
And when Buttercup was ten, the most beautiful woman was an Indian woman, the daughter of a Bengali tea merchant, with skin of such dusky perfection unseen for eighty years. Then smallpox came, and that took care of that.
And when Buttercup was fifteen, the most beautiful woman was Adela of Sussex-on-the-Thames, who had 104 suitors, and one night worried her perfect complexion away over the fact that she would not always be young and beautiful.
All these wonderful asides to the audience(but of course, this was before audiencial asides.) It confuses you so much as to when this story takes place, but at the same time adds to the heightened realism. (This was before ulcers. And before Voltaire. After mirrors, obviously. They had acres then, and arguments too. It was before Europe, but after Paris. And after taste, too, but only just. This was before glamour. It came after stew, but so does everything else; and long after spats. This was after taxes, but they were here even before stew. This was after blue jeans, which were invented considerably earlier than most people suppose. It was just after America, but long after fortunes. It was long, long after hairdressers. This was before trains, but well after carpenters. It was before emergency wards, but not before doctors, although in Turkey doctors hadn't started setting bones yet - that was the domain of the milkmen. Golf balls were around already, but this was before "The Lady or the Tiger", remember.) And the game of golf, as everyone knows, was invented by Brandobras Took, the only hobbit ever big enough to ride a horse, slicing off a goblin's head, which sailed through the air for a hundred yards before dropping into a rabbit hole. The game spread at some unknown time from the Shire to Scotland, and then to the rest of the world. (Okay, I went off-topic there and brought in some Lord of the Rings elements....back to Goldman now.)
The parenthetical statistics given at every available opportunity: (There have only been eleven perfect complexions in India since accurate recording began; Adela Terrell had 104 suitors; Buttercup's parents were having their 33rd spat of the day when the Count and Countess drive up. Originally "jealousy" was a term solely relating to plants, which is how the term "green with jealousy" came to be, and Buttercup's current case was a close fourth on the all-time list. There have been five great kisses since its accidental invention in 1642 B.C., and while no one completely agrees on the exact formula, they all agreed that those five deserved perfect marks.) There are far more parenthetical statistics given throughout the rest of the novel, but as it's taken me a couple months to re-read it again for the sixth(ish? Possibly more) time, I forgot to keep a lookout for stats past this point.
The Countess settled permanently in Paris at some point to indulge her passion for fabrics and ran the only salon of international consequence, naturally.
Buttercup's parents did not exactly have what could be called a happy marriage; as all they ever dreamed about was leaving each other, but they died within a week apart. Her father is described as "a tiny mutt of a man, a terrible farmer, and not much of a husband either." Her mother was "a gnarled shrimp of a woman, a terrible cook and an even more limited housekeeper."
After the wonderfully odd cow-feeding scene, Buttercup spends almost three full pages thinking about the Countess and Westley and how people don't look at each other that way because of their teeth. And then at dawn the next morning she tells him that she loves him, in one page-long paragraph, words rushing out incoherently in an onslaught of emotion, and then does the bravest thing she'd ever done; looking him straight into his eyes. And what is his response? "He closed the door in her face. Without a word. Without a word."
Buttercup's hair is the "color of autumn", which is a great way of expressing it - but I'm still having trouble seeing her as a redhead.
Another great hallmark of William Goldman's writing, specifically this book, but also in a couple of his others, is the use of repetition, and then snapping into an analogy that makes you pause and think a minute before going on to the next sentence. Prince Humperdinck was shaped like a barrel, with a big barrel chest and big barrel thighs, and he walked like a crab sideways so that if he'd wished to be a ballet dancer he would have been doomed to an endless life of miserable frustration.
Sixty-six pages have been edited out of Chapter Two, The Groom, because they were irrelevant history of the Florinese monarchy. The resulting chapter is about three and a half pages long.
Queen Bella was shaped like a gumdrop, colored like a raspberry and was easily the most beloved person in the kingdom; but as the only stepmothers Humperdinck had ever heard of were evil, he always called her "Evil Stepmother", or "E.S." for short.
The chapter names and lengths, all choppy and mixed up from the typical formula. Prologue: 26 pages, Chapter One, The Bride: 23 pages. Chapter Two, The Groom: Three pages. Chapter Four, The Courtship: Seven pages. Chapter Four, Preparations: Zero pages, as it was entirely deleted. Okay, well, technically it's one page long, because the narrator has to explain why he took it out. Chapter Five, The Announcement: 92 pages long. Chapter Six, The Festivities: 52 pages long. Chapter Seven, The Wedding: 33 pages. Chapter Eight, Honeymoon: 16 pages.
Florin and Guilder have mainly stayed alive by warring near-constantly on each other. There's been the Olive War, the Tuna Fish Discrepancy(which nearly sent both nations into bankruptcy), the Roman Rift(which did send them into insolvency) and the Discord of the Emeralds, where they both got rich again by banding together and robbing everyone else within sailing distance.
Chapter Three, The Courtship, is possibly one of the best places in the book. The abridger slashed out 56 1/2 pages of packing, and leaves in these brilliant two paragraphs: "At 8:23 there seemed to be every chance of a lasting alliance forming between Florin and Guilder. At 8:24 the two countries were very close to war." Which is followed by three pages describing exactly what happened in those sixty seconds and the aftermath, and then by far the best courtship passage ever written in all literature.
From a narrative point of view, in all 105 pages of Chapter Four, Preparations, nothing happens.So it can basically be summed up by the sentence, "What with one thing and another, three years passed." (Buttercup is made Princess of Hammersmith, since Humperdinck can't possibly marry a commoner, and is trained in the art of being a princess. Also, both her parents die during this time.)
Vizzini is described as "dark". Sorry, but that just doesn't work....not complexion-wise, at least. Maybe he meant that as far as character goes? Also, he has the gentlest face, almost angelic.
The Cliffs of Insanity were not actually impossible to scale; two men had been known to climb them in the last century alone.
Inigo was raised by his father Domingo in the small village of Arabella in the mountains of Central Spain high above the city of Toledo, and he learned to cook from the age of six.
Yeste the swordmaker's fame grows so great that though he raises his price by twelve times there's still a line of royalty waiting for three years to obtain one of his weapons. He is very heavy; he has the only fat thumbs in Madrid.
Inigo searches for the six-fingered man all over Spain and Portugal; France, Italy, Germany, the whole of Switzerland, all of the Balkans, most of Scandinavia, he'd visited the Florinese and the natives of Guilder, gone into Russia and down step by step throughout the entire Mediterranean.
Perhaps thirty men in all the world were the equal of Inigo when he fought left-handed; perhaps as many as fifty, perhaps as few as ten.
Turkish hospital records list a total of eleven children who weighed over twenty pounds at birth, and ninety-five more between fifteen and twenty.
In the book, the Battle of Wits takes place at night. Vizzini always carries a knapsack around with him, and out of this he takes out a small handkerchief on which he then places two goblets of wine, along with some cheese and some apples.
And this exchange: "I cannot compete with you physically, and you are no match for my brains." "You are that smart?" "There are no words to contain all my wisdom. I am so cunning, so crafty and clever, so filled with deceit, guile and chicanery, such a knave, so shrewd, cagey as well as calculating, as diabolical as I am vulpine, as tricky as I am untrustworthy....well, I have told you that there have not been words invented yet to explain how great my brain is, but let me put it this way: the world is several million years old and several billion people have at one point or another trod upon it, but I, Vizzini the Sicilian, am, speaking with pure candor and modesty, the slickest, sleekest, sliest and wiliest man who has yet come down the pike."
Humperdinck's four whites were snowy, tireless giants, twenty hands high. He rode them all four at a time, bareback, leading the other three at full gallop, leaping from one to another at mid-stride so that none of them would have to bear his great bulk past the tiring point. Very clever, really.
"You think this is a trap, then?" the Count asked. "I always think everything is a trap until proven otherwise," the Prince answered. "Which is why I'm still alive."
The way the narrator slices into Morgenstern's criticism of his wife's criticism about deleting the reunion scene.
The largest known fire swamp in the world is, of course, a day's drive from Perth. It's over twenty-five miles square and completely impenetrable. The Florin-Guilder Fire Swamp is barely a third of that size, and nobody knows whether it's impenetrable or not.
Buttercup is 18 when this story begins, when the Count and Countess visit and she realizes she loves Westley and he sails for America, etc. What with one thing and another, three years pass, so she's 21 now. Based on their conversation about nightmares heading into the Fire Swamp, Westley is somewhere between 21 and 23 years old.
Nobody had ever explained to the cook of the Revenge the difference between table salt and cayenne pepper until Westley took the trouble, much to the Dread Pirate Roberts' relief.
Of course, he wasn't really the Dread Pirate Roberts; no, his full name was Felix Raymond Ryan, who inherited the ship from Cummerbund, who inherited it from Clooney, who was first mate to the original Dread Pirate Roberts, who had been retired somewhere between fifteen and twenty years by then and was living like a king in Patagonia.
It took them seven hours to walk through and get out of the Fire Swamp, and that first hour was by far the easiest. However, those following six hours are irrelevant to this story, so they're passed over in a sentence. WHAT. A. DAY. Whew....
Chapter Six, The Festivities is pretty much about just that; going on for 44 (deleted) pages as Humperdinck grows more interested and mannerly towards Buttercup. Then in a handful of quick flashbacks Morgenstern gets back to the real story. Inigo hates the Thieves Quarter; everyone is so big and dangerous and muscular; and he looked like a skinny Spanish guy it might be fun to rob. We also miss a six-page soliloquy from Inigo about fleeting glory.
A full page of elaboration on a three-word sentence(those seem to be the most mysterious and powerful of all sentence structures, don't they?) Anyway, the three-word sentence is this: Life isn't fair.
Buttercup's nightmares in Chapter Six are horrifying. Just....terrifying and awful.
Count Rugen has spent eleven years constructing The Machine, which appears to be an great conglomeration of soft-rimmed cups of infinitely varied sizes, together with some glue and a dial and a lever.
The average Florinese male lives to about 65, and the Count sucked away ten years of Westley's life during the week that Yellin was assembling his Brute Squad.
The narrator's retelling of the moment he learned that Westley died while Humperdinck lived. "I buried my head into the pillow and never cried like that again, not once to this day. I could almost feel my heart emptying onto my pillow. I guess the most amazing thing about crying is that when you're in it, you think it'll go on forever, but it never really lasts as long as you think. Not in terms of real time. In terms of real emotions, it's worse than you think, but not by the clock."
Max had married Valerie eighty years ago when they were both at Miracle School, she was a potion ladler, not a witch; but at that time every miracle man had to have a witch, so he called her one in public since she didn't mind, and she had learned enough of the witch trade over the years to pass herself off as authentic under pressure. In the old days, before Max was fired, the hut was where they tried experiments...and now it was their home. When Inigo and Fezzik bring Westley in, it's almost midnight, and Max was in the middle of reading a very-well-written article on eagle's claws. Valerie is described in the "Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!" speech as "an ancient tiny fury". (Isn't that just a wonderful description?)
The narrator clips about twenty pages and thirteen hours' worth of unnecessary action while Max and Valerie are concocting the miracle pill, as it was all too "Wizard of Oz"-like, apparently.
Switching swiftly back and forth minute-by-minute describing what action is taking place simultaneously all throughout the castle in Chapter Eight, The Honeymoon.
In the book, the wedding is performed by the Archdean(as opposed to the movie's Impressive Clergyman). His full amount of speaking lines: "Mawidge. Mawidge-" (Interrupted by Humperdinck) "Mawidge is a dweam wiffin a dweam...the dweam of wuv wapped wiffin the gweater dweam of everwasting west. Eternity is our fwiend, wemember that, and wuv wiw fowwow you fowever. (Interrupted again) I'm not there yet. (Interrupted by a now-furious Prince) Man and wife. You're man and wife."
This is the narrator's ending: "That's Morgenstern's ending, a "Lady or the Tiger" type of effect(this was before "The Lady or the Tiger", remember). Now, he was a satirist, so he left it that way, and my father, I guess I realized too late, was a romantic, so he ended it another way. Well, I'm an abridger, so I'm entitled to a couple ideas of my own. Did they make it? Was the pirate ship there? You can answer it for yourself, but for me, I say yes it was. And yes, they got away. And they got their strength back and had their share of adventures and more than their share of laughs. But that doesn't mean I think they had a happy ending, either. Because, in my opinion anyway, they squabbled a lot, and Buttercup lost her looks eventually, and one day Fezzik lost a fight and some hot-shot kid whipped Inigo with a sword and Westley was never able to really sleep sound because of Humperdinck maybe being on the trail. I'm not trying to make this a downer, understand. I really do believe that true love is the greatest thing in the world, except for cough drops. But I also have to say, for the umpy-umpth time, that life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all."
This is how I spend my weekends when snowbound by sleet, snow and negative wind chill. It was a fun project that took quite a while, recording all these little bits....I wonder if I could make an essay or speech based off it somehow? It worked for fairy tales...
If you've never READ the book before...well, hopefully this didn't spoil it too much. But you really should, you'd enjoy it. But as LaVar Burton always used to say, "Hey, don't take my word for it..."
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