Modeling Christlikeness in a Sitcom-like Stage Family

    This personal essay was for Topics of Advanced Composition. It scored a 93, and Dr. Dial-Driver just gave me one of those "Really?" looks when I turned in a revised version. That got 100 points.

            Talking about the citizens of Pawnee, Indiana, Parks and Recreation’s Ben Wyatt says at one point, “You know, it’s weird. I’ve been to a lot of towns…usually people don’t care about anything. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’re weirdos, but….they’re weirdos that care” (“Time Capsule”). For a while around the Northeastern State University campus, and to a lesser extent the city of Tahlequah or Cherokee County generally, if “the SWAT team” were mentioned, the speaker likely didn’t mean a squad of heavily-armed law enforcement officers. Instead they were talking about the drama ministry of the Baptist Collegiate Ministries, which was considered as somewhat of a loose cannon amongst the tight-knit community of BCM outreaches. But we cared about each other. And that was important.

            I was a loner growing up, for the most part. Not that I didn’t like people – it’s more just that I like a small group of specific people, and if someone is able to gain my trust in order to be called a friend, then that trust is nearly indestructible. I had acted in middle school musicals with our homeschool co-op and really enjoyed that, but in general, Oklahoma is rather lacking in acting opportunities. So there was just the occasional murder-mystery, and quoting good TV lines with my siblings. But in general, nothing, which didn’t do much to take my mind off a disastrous freshman year of college or the violent implosion of the sarcastic, witty and creative support group that served as our personal Buffy-type “Scooby Gang” for me and my friends in surviving high school.

            The project known as “Students with a Testimony” began when Samantha Hill transferred to NSU around the spring of 2012 from Carl Albert; their branch of the BCM had a drama ministry primarily used as a tool for evangelization, and Sam wanted to continue that work in and around Tahlequah. She obtained the blessing of NSU BCM directors Bob and Debbie Lipscomb, and then the project was off and running. So she set out to round up some team members through word-of-mouth.

“I pretty much just had to go out on a limb, finding strangers who wanted to be a part of the BCM and say, ‘Hey, are you a Christian? Would you like to share your testimony?’” she said during an interview for an unpublished newspaper article in September 2013. “I was the crazy girl that everyone saw coming and, believe me, they’d run the other way, because they knew exactly what I was wanting to recruit them for.”

Sam tried to recruit me to immediately join the team when I came to Tahlequah in fall 2012, but I declined, since I thought I had better focus solely on schoolwork until I was more adapted to campus culture. Besides, I was more involved at the time with Campus Christian Fellowship, another ministry which has (though no one on either side wants to actually admit it) a fierce rivalry with the BCM. She got about a dozen people to sign up, though; and they performed a handful of shows in churches of various sizes, interspersing testimonies and Scripture with music and comedy sketches.

      Through a mix of gentle pestering by Sam throughout the year and knowing several other people who attended the BCM regularly, together with realizing that CCF wasn’t at all a place where I could grow spiritually, I started going to the Monday-night worship service, and gradually discovered that this was a good organization to be a part of. When fall 2013 started up and the SWAT sign-ups were passed around, I figured that I ought to dive deeper into helping out. It had been forever since I’d acted in anything, and besides, it was a ministry opportunity. The team was made up of mostly new faces this time around, with Haley Ritter co-leading the group with Sam for a semester.

     “I actually heard about SWAT when I first met Sam and Haley, they were telling me about it, and it seemed like a really, really cool way to do ministry,” said Elizabeth Hodge in an interview from September 2013. “I’ve been involved in theater most of my life, but never have done any kind of ministry like this before. It’s a really cool way to spread the Gospel, because you don’t have to go five thousand miles away and spend five thousand dollars.”

     Once we’d gotten the sketches memorized, life quickly turned into something of a sitcom: Friends was blended into Full House and the sketch comedy group Studio C, and then that combination was added to the YouTube series Messy Mondays, as I put it in a blog post simply titled “SWAT.” But we really did become like family. Sam was the mom of the group, Haley the drill-sergeant aunt. And together, they kept things running with a mix of strictness and sweetness. Jacob was the cool older cousin, while Elizabeth, Susan and I were like siblings. Neighbors included the spacey janitor James, four-wheeling Becca, obnoxious Scott (everyone hated him), couple Skylar and Ja Li Si (we gave them a hard time, of course), while Caleb and Holly were always sort of hanging out in the corner. New additions to the cast several weeks in were TJ, serving as the fiery deadpan snarker in addition to doing voiceovers, while Justin turned out to be a jack-of-all-trades, doing everything from locating churches to running sound equipment and acting.

     There were a lot of coffee runs to McDonald’s when someone had a lot on their mind –

“Random coffee runs late at night make for a gem of a night,” Elizabeth tweeted once – and there was entertaining improvisation out of necessity, and malapropisms galore (well-chronicled in my video “SWAT Blooper Reel”). Road trips to and from shows were also very…interesting, to say the least. As Elizabeth said, “The basic theme of all our road trips is, like once we get there, you ask: ‘…But did we die?’ And that sums up everything perfectly.” For example, there was that night we went looking for the invisible church in Sallisaw.

     Having put together a silent project to go with the Lifehouse song “Everything” for a charity fundraiser/talent show, we were invited to perform it at a revival at Deliverance Baptist the next week. We didn’t usually do shows on Wednesday nights unless it was a special occasion, and this definitely counted. Thing was, though, we’d lost several key props between performances, since it was supposed to be a one-time thing. And several people were late, adding to the tension. So we nervously played ping pong to pass the time, then split up, one group racing to Wal-Mart for glass-bottled root beer, the other group flying to Dollar Tree for play-food money. We got to Sallisaw with a half hour to spare, more than enough time to find the church…..except that none of us can find it on our phones’ maps. We did find three other churches, which all turned out to be the wrong ones. So we finally talk Jacob into calling the pastor, where he’s given directions which sound straightforward enough: “At Wal-Mart, turn right onto Maple and then drive a ways, and then another right.” Maple is located, but it leads to a really sketchy-looking neighborhood….and none of us (ten people in three vehicles) had ever been to this city before, so we were completely lost. And by now it was pouring down rain. Susan and I ask for directions from some terrified construction workers at the Assembly of God, which turns out to be another dead end. (Also, we realized once we got back in the car that she was already in costume as Death.) We get a lead on another place it might be, which takes us several miles out of town and past three burned-out buildings which were at one point churches. The search has now taken an hour and fifteen minutes, all five occupants of our car vote for giving up and finding dinner. We relay this information back to the other two cars, and then eat and drive back home to Tahlequah, crying in frustration yet knowing the situation was hilarious. . This experience was recapped in far more detail in my blog post “Getting Lost.”

     Weather slowed the beginning of our spring semester’s schedule, but the execution of the performances was greatly improved, due in part to the addition of Drew and Ashleigh as tech crew and about a quarter of the cast dropping out. We banded together often to cover roles whenever necessary, and strengthened connections with the other BCM ministries, as the more musical of us joined the worship band. Organization-wide lunch hangouts were a staple of Friday afternoons, and watch parties during Thunder games caused much screaming and strangling of pillows. The overall atmosphere was much like working in Pawnee’s Parks Department, and when you enjoy your coworkers, coming in every day is awesome. Most of us spent nearly every nonclass moment in either the BCM’s basement, living room or office. Special SWAT events included Christmas caroling at a senior citizens’ center - three days before Thanksgiving - a birthday party picnic, and a game night featuring intense rounds of Catchphrase and Apples to Apples. An elderly pastor in Muskogee even gave a handful of us marriage advice after the show one night. (”If you live long enough to say ‘Yes, dear,’ you’ll live to learn everything else.”) Pretty good advice.

      After Sam and her husband moved once she graduated, the way everyone planned the leadership transition to take place was for Susan to take over the reins the next year, with me taking the second-in-command role which Haley had filled. But there were a lot of family problems at home, which meant that I had to leave for a semester in order to help out. Susan’s theater duties kept her too stressed to run SWAT properly, so it was absorbed into the worship band, where it limped along for the rest of the year before apparently being shut down sometime in spring 2015. And by then transfers happened – Skylar and I came to RSU, Elizabeth went to NSUBA, Caleb to Southwest Baptist, etc. And life happened, too – Justin and Ashleigh fell in love almost immediately, and their wedding will be held in a couple months. Jacob is engaged now, and Haley got married. Ja Li Si became Miss Cherokee last year, and began dating Sam’s brother. Graduations will begin proceeding in a couple months.

     We weren’t that successful at evangelizing, but we did do well at encouraging those who needed it – whether that was audience members, relatives, friends or castmates – through the spiritual valleys, discouragements, breakups, general insecurity and school panic of this life. We were a team, which doesn’t come up very often. You don’t really get that Parks and Rec vibe in real life very often. And when you do….that ought to be treasured. “A team isn’t a bunch of kids out to win; a team is something you belong to. Something you feel. Something you have to earn,” Gordon Bombay said in The Mighty Ducks. We earned that, and you don’t let those ties fall slack. So we still keep in touch, and have mini-reunions whenever possible. I may be allergic to college, but SWAT has definitely been one of the highlights.

Works Cited

Coburn, Wesley. “Getting Lost”. Blog post. Another Lover of the Blade. Blogger. 21 November 2013. Web. 17 January 2016.

--------------------. “SWAT”. Blog post. Another Lover of the Blade. Blogger. 9 November 2013. Web. 17 January 2016. 

-------------------. “SWAT Blooper Reel”. Online video clip. YouTube. YouTube. 29 December 2014. Web. 17 January 2015.

Hill, Samantha. Personal interview. 9 September 2013.

Hodge, Elizabeth. Personal interview. 9 September 2013.

------------------ (HodgepodgeEH). “Random coffee outings late at night make for a gem of a night.” 7 March 2014. Tweet.

The Mighty Ducks. 1992. Dir. Stephen Herek. Buena Vista Pictures, 1992. DVD.

“Time Capsule”. Parks and Recreation: Season Three. Writ. Michael Schur. Dir. Michael Schur. NBCUniversal Television Distribution. 2011. DVD.

ABC's of College

     For a Poetry Writing assignment; I was bored and I've been reading a history of Sesame Street. So here's the ABC's of College. Hope y'all enjoy.

     A is for Academic Jargon, which can be difficult to understand. And Assignments, and also All-Nighters, where you attempt to understand that Academic Jargon. “A” is also used in Avoiding Other People, or Acting.

     B is for Broke, which all students are. And also for BuzzFeed, huge time-waster/refuge from pressing work to do.

     C stands for COFFEE!!!!!!!! (Everyone knows that.) Because of the Chaos of Classes. And Cussing. (Which helps in dealing with Classmates.)

     D means Deadlines, AKA “Get something turned in or else.”

     E is for Education. Duh. And Essays. And Escape, which is what a lot of Essays are about. Not to mention Exhaustion or Energy Drinks.

     F means Financial Aid. It also might mean Football at a lot of schools, or Friends.

    G is for Graduation….eventually.

    H is for Homework, for obvious reasons. Hope, too; which can be in very small supply. Homecoming is usually celebrated by many folks.

    I is for the Internet, for equally obvious reasons.

    J is for Jail, which is what school can feel like sometimes. And it could also be Journalism, which isn’t taught much anymore.

   K stands for Knowledge, the main goal behind education; in theory.

   L is for Loans. (These are evil. Avoid them at all costs.) And Laundry. This is just a pain, but kind of necessary to daily life. Libraries are useful, though.

   M is for Money. Pretty much what everything revolves around. And MLA, which is how most Essays ought to be written. Microwaves are pretty useful, too.  

   N is for Netflix, to procrastinate appropriately.

   O is for Oreos. Because of…

   P, which is simple: PANIC. And Pancakes, Prayer, Poetry, Pixar, Pandora and Pizza.  

   Q means Questions; namely “What am I doing here?” and “How is this concept relevant to real life?”

   R is for Roommates, which might lead to our next letter…

   S is for STRESS. So much Stress. And Sickness, Spotify and Superheroes. (Time is measured in Semesters.)

   T means Tears. Because of Tiredness, among a lot of other things. So you watch TV to cope with Deadlines.

   U stands for University.

   V is for Volleyball; the best way to relax for an hour or so from distressing Homework. It can occasionally be a good way to meet people.

   W is for Weekends, where you either avoid studying or catch up on all the stuff you’re behind in.

   X is for eXistential Crisis, which (it’s debatable) might be a requirement for being an English major, or being a college student at all.

   Y is for Yawning. There is a lot of that after being forced to do an All-Nighter. College also takes YEARS.

    Z is for Zonked. It’s hard to find words beginning with “Z”, though Ziplock Bags are highly important, to keep Leftovers in.

Space Jam

     So, let's see. It's the mid-90's, and the Internet doesn't really exist yet. Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks are two of the biggest stars in Hollywood, and there was this awesome movie made by computers about talking toys. Bugs Bunny and Cindy Crawford have starred in the biggest Super Bowl commercials of the last few years, and (this goes without saying) the biggest sports star on the planet is Michael Jordan(followed closely by Wayne Gretzky, Brett Favre and Roger Clemens).

     Really, the plot of Space Jam is incredible. While Michael Jordan was in retirement trying to play professional baseball with the Chicago White Sox organization, he was really saving the world from a race of monstrous invading aliens, who work for a tyrannical theme-park owner, that capture the Looney Tunes? Plenty of people think it sounds ridiculous. But it is. It's so ridiculous, it totally works. Kinda like most Full House episodes, or It Just Gets Stranger posts, or the jerseys of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks and Charlotte Hornets.

     It's almost midnight in Wilmington, North Carolina in 1973. Ten-year-old Michael Jordan can't sleep, so he goes into the driveway to shoot some baskets. His dad James comes out into the yard to complain, but then is impressed by Michael's practice, so they talk for a bit about Michael's future plans before heading inside.
     Fast forward to October 1993, and Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player the planet's ever seen, has suddenly retired in order to play professional baseball????!!!! 
     Meanwhile, millions of miles away, on a moon-theme park called Moron Mountain, the visitors are, uh...less than impressed with the park's rides. Actually, make that the teenage demographic is unimpressed. And everyone knows that the teenage demographic is the most important when it comes to entertainment. So Swackhammer(Danny DeVito) yells at his top collection of Nerdluck employees that "THEY NEED NEW ATTRACTIONS!" Pound(orange), Blanko(blue), Nawt(red), Bang(purple) and Bupkus(green) all agree quickly. "We need something...something....wacky. Something - something -"" Bang hesitantly suggests that the word Swackhammer is looking for is "loony". "YES! That's it! Bring me the Looney Tunes." "Sir?" Blanko asks. "Just noticing, sir....they're from Earth. What if they can't come?" "Make 'em."

     Well, they're millions of miles away, so the trip takes quite a while. It's summertime somewhere in 1994 now, and Michael is playing with the Double-A Southern League's Birmingham Barons. They're playing the Huntsville Stars, and Michael's...having a rough day. Even with the opposing catcher's help. The Barons new publicist, Stan Podolak(Wayne Newton), has just been assigned by the team's owner to make sure that nobody bothers Michael. (But somebody kinda forgot to tell Stan that includes him.) The Nerdlucks' UFO sails over the field and smashes through a Piggily Wiggily parking lot, tunneling through the center of the Earth and into Looney Tune Land.
     Stan drives Michael home, where the enthusiastic bulldog Charles jumps and drools all over him, while his kids get back from a Little League baseball game. Jeffrey had a rough day, too. The Roadrunner cartoon everyone's watching in the living room gets interrupted by Porky Pig rushing and and declaring an emergency union meeting of cartoon characters.
   
     On landing, the Nerdlucks knocked out Elmer Fudd and captured Bugs Bunny(Billy West), putting him in chains. At the union meeting, the Nerdlucks explain that all the Looney Tunes are now their prisoners, and when Yosemite Sam stands up for them, Pound shoots him with his laser gun. At this, all the Tunes surrender. However, Bugs thinks quickly and fast-talks his way into the Tunes having a chance to defend themselves, since it is in the rulebook(How to Draw Capture Cartoon Characters). With the small race of invading aliens being five in number, with stubby arms and short legs, and since they can't jump very high - "We challenge you to a basketball game!" Bugs declares. "All right! Basketball it is! ...Wait, what IS basketball? We didn't have that in gym class...." the Nerdlucks say all at the same time. (It was a better idea than Porky's suggestion of a spelling bee, or Elmer's of a bowling tournament.) Following a newsreel explaining what basketball, the Nerdlucks hatch a plan to steal the talent of the best players in the world.

     Cut to New York City, where the Knicks are hosting the Phoenix Suns. Pound steals the talent of Charles Barkley, and then Bupkus sucks the talent away from Patrick Ewing. Michael's watching SportsCenter in his hotel room, where Ahmad Rashad reports that Shawn Bradley(Blanko), Larry Johnson(Bang) and Muggsy Bogues(Nawt) all have been suffering from the "same mysterious ailment" that struck Barkley and Ewing. This causes the Lakers to panic, refusing to play.
     Bugs is organizing the first Tune Squad practice, and like all first practices, it doesn't go too smoothly. Daffy Duck(Dee Bradley Baker) is trying to figure out the team's color scheme, and it seems that nobody has ever really played much basketball before. And then the Nerdlucks say that it's their turn to use the court, where they became the 12-foot-tall Monstars, much to the horror of the Tunes. Buplkus' spike leads to a small earthquake. That's when Bugs coolly decides that they might need a little bit of help.
     Michael calmly plays golf with Larry Bird and Bill Murray(and Stan...) when thanks to a magnetized ball he makes his first-ever hole-in-one. Posing for Stan's picture to commemorate it; Yosemite Sam lassoes His Airness through the hole and into Looney Tune Land. Stan is appalled by Mike's disappearance, but Bill and Larry just think he needed some space and continue their game.
     After a loony explanation that cartoons characters are, in fact, real, and that the rules of life work much differently here, Bugs finally convinces Michael to help. (Getting beat up by the Monstars probably had something to do with it, too.) Anyway, the Tunes clean up Schlesinger Gym by spit-shine and get a real practice in before the Monstar attack. Michael sends Bugs and Daffy to retrieve his sneakers and lucky North Carolina shorts from the trophy room.

     They quarrel their way to the Jordan home, where a left turn takes Bugs to the house and a right leads to Daffy getting beat up by Charles the Bulldog. Their noise wakes up the kids, who accept that Dad is helping the Tunes win a basketball game, which is a secret. The sneakers are found pretty easily, but Charles has the shorts. The kids wrestle them away from him, though, and Bugs and Daffy return home safely. (Though followed by Stan.)
      The NBA players have been MRI-ed, EKG-ed, laser-beamed and psychoanalyzed by this point, all without success, and in the panic, the commissioner declares that there will be no more basketball this season until it's figured out. Barkley even gets a shot blocked by some teenage girl in a pickup game. Things are bad.

     Michael's whipping his team into ball-playing shape, thanks to the help of walk-on Lola Bunny(kath Soucie) and Richard Simmons workout tapes. Bugs falls for her instantly, and everybody else can't help but admire her, too. (Tweety: "She's hot!" Daffy and Elmer nod vigorously in agreement.) And she's athletic! And competitive!

    And finally, it's the night of THE ULTIMATE GAME.  Traffic is backed up like you wouldn't believe - bumper-to-bumper for forty miles. But the fate of their world is at stake here, so....it's kinda one of those events you want to see in person, no matter which way it turns out. The announcer is taking a nap, so two mice fill in as play-by-play and color commentary.  Swackhammer is sitting in a luxury box attended by minor Nerdlucks, while the Monstars come out of the locker room in one big group. The Tune Squad starting lineup consists of the Tasmanian Devil, Daffy, Lola, Bugs and Michael.
     The game starts out...VERY badly. Marvin the Martian was the only neutral observer anyone could find, so he became the referee. ...Yes, that Marvin the Martian, who always wants to blow up the Earth. Needless to say, the Monstars get away with slapping, kicking, punching and teeing off on the Tune Squad players, while the scoreboard spins crazily. At halftime, the score is Monstars 66, Tune Squad 18, and everyone is worn-out and getting a little despairing. And Stan gets beat up by the Monstars after spying on them. That's when Bugs and Michael get a bottle of "Michael's Secret Stuff", which relights the fires of hope and determination, and they set out to defend their world in the second half.
     It's rather zany. Yosemite Sam and Elmer Fudd dress up as Men in Black and shoot the Monstars' teeth out, Pepe Le Pew sprays everyone, Lola humiliates Pound repeatedly, and Wile E. Coyote blows up a basket. That's not to say that the Monstars don't wreak more havoc - they squash Stan flatter than a pancake, fry Foghorn Leghorn, and Pound nearly smashes Lola before Bugs shoves her out of the way. This is the final bit that she needs to admit she likes him, too. And after the Stancake incident, where he's rushed out of the arena to the hospital after being re-inflated, Bugs and Daffy remind Michael that this is Looney Tune Land - normal physics don't apply. In order to save his friends, and because of that incurable gambling streak, Michael ups the ante - if the Monstars win, they can take him, but if they lose, they gotta give the NBA players their talent back.
     The score is 77-76, there's ten seconds left and the Monstars have the ball. And with the Tune Squad banged up, they desperately need a fifth player. That's when Bill Murray shows up, and so he, Michael, Daffy, Lola and Bugs have to steal the ball and get it across the court and into the basket. Daffy forces a turnover by tackling Pound, which Bill scoops up, behind-the-back pass to Michael, who passes to Lola, who passes to Daffy, the ball gets deflected away by Bang, only to have Bugs resteal it and give it to Bill, who passes to Michael, who takes off from halfcourt, using Pound as a ramp. He's sailing for a dunk...but here come Bang and Bupkus to tackle him and bring him back down to ground-level! And then Michael's arm stretches and gets longer and loonnnngggger...and time's running out....and the ball drops into the hoop just as the final buzzer sounds. TUNE SQUAD WINS!!!
     It's time for Michael and Stan to get back to Alabama for the baseball game, but first, a final team huddle. "You guys have...well, you've got It. Whatever it is." 
     The Monstars pack Swackhammer up a rocket and launch it into space, before releasing their talent back into the shining basketball, transmogrifying back into the Nerdlucks. "Um....Mr. Bunny? We we're wondering if we could stay with you? We don't want to go back to Moron Mountain. We hate it there. It stinks." "Hmm...I don't know if you're loony enough..." They then do their best Looney Tunes impressions, mixed with Three Stooges.
     Michael rolls his eyes. "Oh, and Bugs?" "Yeah?" "Stay out of trouble." "Oh, you know I will," he agrees. Lola giggles and kisses him.

     So, Michael got back in time for his baseball game, and the Looney Tunes were saved. Also, he gave his opponents their talent back, much to their delight. They suggest that he come back to the NBA. In spring 1995, MJ IS BACK...Larry and Bill watch one of his first games back.

     Besides being an amazing movie that three-year-old sports-obsessed boys love(and their 22-year-old grownup selves), it has a spectacular soundtrack. This comes from a guy who can't stand most rap or hip-hop. The movie might not be a masterpiece of storytelling, but it certainly is a great example of creativity and imagination. Much like Air Bud, Full House or The Big Green, you'll either shudder with horror or love it. I love it.

Books That Should Exist

    These books, as far as I know, don't actually exist. But the subjects sound interesting, and I love puns, so...yeah.

"Rugs and Carpets", by Walter Walls.
Walls covers all aspects of this topic of floor-drapery, including Middle Eastern history, the Industrial Revolution and today's modern business. 241 pages, hardback.

"Glory Be! Amen, Brother! and Other Religious Sayings", by Holly Lujah.
Why do older folks sometimes shout agreement during a sermon? How can "Bless your heart" mean such different things whether Grandma says it to someone she doesn't like or a good friend? These and other questions are answered in Holly Lujah's newest title. 143 pages, paperback.

"Early Videogames", by Mrs. Packman.
Pong. Galaga. Dig Dug. Donkey Kong. Space Invaders. Frogger. All classics of the industry that evoke pleasant memories and wistful yearnings for a world with less connections. Interspersed are interviews with gamers, in addition to the business decisions that formed the way we see video games today. 302 pages, hardback, paperback or Kindle edition.

"Safety Tips", by Justin Case.
This world's a dangerous place at times....maybe Mom was right about all those things you never listened to. 54 pages, paperback.

"Lions, Tigers and Bears", by O. Myers.
This charming picture book explains how a small cat learns not to be afraid of bigger animals, in announcing their ballgames. 41 pages, hardback.

"Quilts", by Blaine Keys.
A fascinating coffee-table book ideal for those winter nights during a storm when the power goes out. Examines patterns and how their names came to be; as well as the mechanical process and social connectivity of creating quilts. 314 pages, paperback.

"The Big Book of Basketball Stats", by R.E. Bounds.
Every conceivable hoops fact imaginable can be found in this book, as well as a great many inconceivable as well. What year did Abe Saperstein form the Harlem Globetrotters? How important was George Mikan's influence on professional basketball? How far-out was the ABA's original 3-point shot? Find those and many more sports-bar stumpers inside the pages of this book. 422 pages, hardback.

"Ajax vs. Comet" and "Clorox vs. Tide", both by Dee Tergents.
In these books on cleaning materials, the author examines the creation of artificial grime-removal solutions and the branding wars that resulted as marketing has become ever more important. 224 and 253 pages, respectively, both available in paperback or Kindle editions.

"Bad Singers Found Here", by Cole Showers.
Ever wonder what happens to all those American Idol contestants who fail miserably in auditions? Or what made them try out in the first place? Showers on these questions and more in his book which came about, incidentally, in the bathroom, while pondering why good(and delusional) ideas come when least expecting them. 226 pages, available in hardback, paperback, Kindle or audiobook versions.

"COWS!", by Bo Vine.
Everything is covered here, from mating to milking, heifers to Holsteins, castration to curing meat. Stanchions, slaughter, breeds and brands. Cattle drives through Texas and Wisconsin milk-producers. 347 pages, hardback or paperback. 

"Town Drunks", by Otis Campbell.
The definitive word on the subject; examining the town drunk's role in small-town society and politics, as well as in popular music, movies and TV shows. 245 pages, hardback.

"The History of Church Clocks", by Father Tim E. Pieces.
Not many know of the interesting twists and turns of how their local church's clocks came to be. Here are laid clues for future sleuthing laid throughout as the author relates the accounts of six such clocks. 361 pages, hardback or paperback. His son Reese S. wrote a book called "Bite Sized Candy"(224 pages, paperback), which if purchased together save 21% the retail price.

"Opera Music", by H.I. Notes.
The complete beginner's guide to opera in textbook format. 674 pages, hardback. 

"The Encyclopedia of Pool", by Bill Iards.
Iards puts a masterful new spin on the game associated with gentlemen, murders, con artists, back rooms, and seedy bars, shooting into the game's role on slang and literature, among other things. We chalk it up as a masterpiece. (Disclaimer: Some sections caused our staff to break down loudly.) 477 pages, hardback or paperback.

"Camp Memories", by Lottie Goodtimes.
Remembrances of tales of summer camp or church camps throughout the country. 197 pages, paperback.

"Snoopy: A Biography", by Bea Giles.
From his beginnings at the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm to coming to live with Charlie Brown and the Peanuts Gang, all the way to piloting the Metlife blimp and appearing in Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade; America's favorite beagle's life story is presented with personal insights from family and friends. 362 pages, hardback.

Go With the Flow

     Another story based off our SWAT skits.

“Here you go, Mary, here’s today’s mail.” Frank the mailman said, handing her the letters and bills of the day, plus several random magazines that came periodically without reason.

“Thanks, Frank. Oh, this is for you.” she answered, taking the mail and handing him a plastic container.

“Um…thank you, I think. What is it?”

“Some cookies and fudge, just call it a sort of thank-you present for your good work over the year. And with the weather getting colder, we’ve just felt like baking a lot, so…” Mary shrugged with a smile.

“Okay. Thanks. This wouldn’t be any….what do you call it, Christian charity, would it?” Frank asked with suspicion.

“Some people think of it that way, but it’s just cookies.” she replied carefully.

“Well, whatever you want to call it.” He rolled his Jeep Cherokee down to the next house.

  Mary turned back inside, pausing to let Raindrop outside before stepping in. “Why can’t you be more like your mother?” she directed this comment to the frolicking black-and-white dog, knowing she’d ask to come back inside at the most inopportune time.

“Because…eh….well. Isn’t it obvious?” Janie tried to answer this without crossing the line, mistakingly thinking the question was meant for her.

“I was talking to the dog.”

“Oh.”

“Guys! Be quiet! And grab the phone. We’ve got a chance to win tickets to Go With the Flow.”  Pete hissed.

“Really?!” Mary flew to the house phone.

“Yeah, K95. They’re gonna have Quentin Gage and Candy Karpinski promoting their new movie, and even the Killer from Slice and Dice. Maddie was telling me about it.”

Janie whipped her phone from her jeans and began dialing the radio station’s number.

Tense pause.

“Hey! It’s ringing.” Pete said hopefully.

His mom and sister watched anxiously.

“Hi, you’ve reached K95, this is Jim. You’re caller number ten; which means you’ll get a chance to play for tickets to Go With the Flow. You ready?”

“Uh, yes; yes, I am.” He made frantic motions to turn on the radio, Janie vaulted across the room and flicked it on.

“Okay, what’s your name, and where are you from?”  Jim the radio host asked. 

“Pete Morgan, and I’m from Ritter Hill.”  

“Mmkayy….I’m gonna put you on hold for a minute, and then when these songs are over we’ll play for the tickets, all right?”

“Okay.”

“Can you believe this?” he mouthed. They shook their heads.

“Come on, bro…you got this.” Janie breathed.

“Oh, I hope you win! That’d be so awesome…” Mary squealed.

Pete raised an eyebrow and made a “shh” gesture.

“MOM!” Janie snapped, exasperated.

“Hello, folks, we’ve got Pete from Ritter Hill today, he’ll be playing for tickets to go see an upcoming episode of the Go With the Flow game show.” Jim told the radio audience. “Pete, you ready?”

“Ready.”

“Okay, here’s the plan. We’ll ask you four questions, and you have to answer them all in ten seconds, but you have to answer them wrong, got it?” Jim’s co-host Kelly asked.

“Okay, I think I got it,” he nodded.

“Okay, then. Time will start when I finish reading the first question.”

Mary and Janie, huddled by the radio, looked at each other, wondering what could be so hard about this. Wasn’t there usually a catch to these radio and TV call-in contests?

“Here we go….How many months are in a year?” Jim asked.

“Four.” Pete replied immediately.

Mary and Janie’s jaws dropped. “How did he even…”

“What’s the opposite of ‘big’?” Kelly asked.

“Giant.” Pete answered promptly.

Mary shook her head.

“What planet do we live on?” Kelly asked again.

“Mars.”

A dishtowel was being furiously wrung by an agitated Mary.

“What river runs through Tulsa?” Jim asked the final question.

Pete’s reply didn’t come instantly, there was a fraction of a second of silence. Don’t say Arkansas, he thought to himself. “The…Missouri.” That is a real river, isn’t it?

Clapping could be heard from the radio station. “You just won yourself four tickets to go see a taping of Go With the Flow, man!” Jim congratulated. “Which station do you spell country with?”

“It’s spelled K95.5 FM.” Pete grinned.

Some behind-the-scenes sounds, the radio started playing Brad Paisley’s “Welcome to the Future”, then Kelly spoke up again. Janie turned the radio off.

“Okay, I just need to get your information, so we’ll know who to hold the tickets for, and then you can just come by the station and pick ‘em up, okay?”

After a few more minutes, he hung up.

“I don’t even believe it…” Janie was shaking her head, grinning.

“That was AWESOME, Pete! Wasn’t it, Yahoo?!” Mary danced their newest of the pack, a brown mixed-breed Lab, around in a circle. He didn’t think much of the dancing lesson.

“No way I could have done that, answering all those questions wrong in that short of time.”

“Me neither!” Janie agreed.

He shrugged. “Well…”

“Guess it doesn’t hurt to be dating the cousin of a game-show host, huh, son?” George said later that night once he’d gotten home from work.

“DaaaAAAddd….it’s not….We’re not dating right now. Anymore.” He coughed, looking to Janie for rescue.

“Dad, Pete and Maddie never were officially going out. With TJ, that kinda…well. And it’s not like that had anything to do with him winning the tickets.”

“Well, actually, she told me what day and time K95 would be running the contest…”

“Whatever you want to call it, like I said, it doesn’t hurt.” George said.

Pete and Janie rolled their eyes and bolted out of the room as quickly as they could.

“They weren’t ‘officially’ going out? What’s that supposed to mean? How is it ‘official’, then?” George asked his wife in a moment of 21st century-father confusion.  

Mary merely smiled to herself as she cleaned up the table from dinner.

“I think it means you’re being too nosy, dear.”

  

They were in Kansas City, the show was traveling around the country while the building the permanent set was in was undergoing a remodel, and producers thought taking it around the country might boost ratings. George had to work, but the rest of the family was there in the audience, along with Maddie Kojak, Pete’s one-time girlfriend and a close collaborator with Janie on different theatrical pursuits. She was also the cousin of the show’s host, Matt, and occasionally filled in for him when necessary.

“I can’t believe we’re actually here!” Mary exclaimed wonderingly for what must have been at least the nineteenth time that day. “Well, Mom…we are.” Janie said, giggling nervously. “That’s right, Rapunzel.” agreed Pete. She looked at him. “That was exactly the same tone as when Rapunzel says ‘That’s the funny thing about birthdays; they’re kind of an annual thing.’ in Tangled.” “Got it now.”

“Nice work, Snoopy.” Maddie said, high-fiving him. “Come on, guys, follow me.”

“But they’re about to start filming soon.”

She grinned. “It’s cool, don’t worry about it. We’ll be back in plenty of time.”

They followed her, rather uncertainly at first. Maddie confidently took a left into a space that clearly didn’t exist before, nodded at one of the security guys and held up a lanyard. “It’s okay, Ricardo, they’re with me. Do y’all have a date for the wedding set by now?”

“Hey, Miss Maddie, good to see you again. Wasn’t expecting to, though-“ “Just as audience member today.”

“Oh, I see.” (To the Morgans) “Enjoy your tour!” (To Maddie) “April 28th, kinda worried. Lauren is getting a little obsessed with the details.”

“It’s a girl thing. You’ll survive, don’t worry.”

They continued on, stopping at a cubicle with a mirror and a bunch of makeup. “Knock knock,” Maddie said brightly.

A man in a suit jacket and dressy Levi’s entered from somewhere. “Hey, Madd! How you doing?!” He gave her a bear hug. He also whispered something into her ear. “We ran into some trouble…gonna have to pick somebody from the audience.” “Think I can handle that.” she whispered back.

“I’m doing great,” she said in a normal tone. “Came up here with some friends, thought I’d surprise ‘em with the backstage look around. You mind?”

“Course not. Come on in, you guys.”

“Is that really….?” Janie hissed in Pete’s ear. “I think, yes.” He hissed back.

“I’m Matt, nice to meet you guys.”

Handshakes and introductions all around.

“Can I….could I have a picture with you?” Mary asked nervously. “This is, like, my favorite game show of all time.”

“Wow, even more than Jeopardy? I’m impressed.” Matt said. “Of course I don’t mind.” (To someone in the corridor.) “Hey, Stephen, can you snap a few pics for us? Friends of Maddie’s.”

“Thanks so much, it was great to meet you.” They all were slightly in shock as they left.

“Hey, Matt?”

“Yeah?”

“I finally talked Mom into giving you Deb’s fudge pecan pie recipe.”

“No. Way. Seriously?”

“Yep. Here it is.” She handed him the recipe, stored from somewhere in her purse. “Could I pick up those autographs for them that I asked for?”

“Sure can…they’re right here.” He pulled them from a drawer, along with a special oversize index card embossed with the official silver and lime green show logo and sticky putty on one side. She tucked them into her purse. “Thanks, I’ll see ya soon.”

Maddie quickly caught up to the others and they hurried back to their seats, dodging cameras and stage lights along the way, cables were strewn all over the floor, they looked highly trippable to the Morgans.

Eventually the lights came on, cameras were positioned right, the audience silenced, and a big flashing red sign marked “ON AIR” started blinking.

Matt Kojak strolled confidently onto the stage, greeting the camera with a grin and nod. The audience went wild. “Thank you, thank you, everyone! Welcome to Go With the Flow! It’s the game show where everyone’s a winner. (As long as they agree.) I’m your host, Matt Kojak, and today’s show is a special celebrity edition, with all winnings going to local charities.”

The crowd approved this statement.

“So, with that out of the way, let’s meet our contestants! You’ll recognize our first guest as Colin Thayer from the blockbuster hit movie Return to Titanic,  widely regarded by many magazines as one of the hottest young men alive – give a warm welcome to Quentin Gage!”

The women watching, who composed most of the audience, went into hysterics.

“Nice, huh?” Maddie nudged Janie, grinning. Except she wasn’t there…

“Uh, Janie…?”

She was racing up to the stage screaming, “OH MY GOSH, IT’S QUENTIN!!!” and locked herself in a death grip on one leg. Matt frowned, and nodded at Rebecca the security guard to get her off. “No, no! I LOVE YOUUU, QUENTIN!!!!!!” as she was dragged away.

“Crap…” Pete muttered, watching the scene.

 “Well, she sure thought you were looking good today, Quentin. Welcome to the show.” Matt smoothly snapped back into polished TV personality mode.

“I always look good.” The actor replied with careless flair. Most of the women swooned. Those who didn’t loudly voiced their agreement.

Matt smiled blandly. “Of course.”

“Let’s meet our next contestant,” he continued. “She’s an…international TV movie star, everybody’s dream girl, Candy Karpinski!”

Now the men in the audience loudly voiced their approval.

Candy waltzed into her seat in the row and sat down.

“Thanks for taking part in our show, Candy. What charity are you going to donate your winnings to today?”

She reflected an instant, then declared, “Women today are not treated with respect today, Matt, so I want to combat that by giving my money to a shelter for battered women.”

Quentin, and Matt, and most of the men in the audience merely stared at her.

“Pete!” Maddie smacked him lightly on the head.

            “Matt, are you listening to me?” Candy sounded irritated.

“Actually, I have no idea what you just said. But you looked great saying it.”

Candy rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, disgusted.

“But that sounds like a great cause, don’t you think so, Quentin?”

Still ogling her, the actor replied “Whatever, man.”

“Okay…” Matt motioned for him to move to the end chair, to give her some space.

“Let’s meet our third contestant. He’s known the world over, even though no one has ever seen his face – please welcome the Killer from Slice and Dice!”

Loud applause, mostly from the younger people.

Two terrified teens, one of which was Janie, raced across the stage screaming. In their wake came a figure clad in black robes and a cowl with a hideous skull-like blood-red tattoo covering his face, waving a machete around. Janie almost plowed into Matt in her hurry to escape. He stepped in front of the masked figure.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! There’ll be plenty of time for that after the show. For now, let’s win some money for charity, okay? Just sit down right there…” he motioned to the seat between Quentin and Candy.

“Our final guest, Barney the Purple Dinosaur, couldn’t be here today because we discovered he wasn’t famous anymore.” Loud groans, as well as some chuckles, from the audience. Somebody hollered, “Say it ain’t so!”

Matt winced, sharing their pain. “Yes, I’m afraid it’s true…so, that means we’ll have to find a fourth contestant. Reach under your seat, and if you’ve got an index card taped there, then you’re our lucky fourth contestant!”

Most heads in the audience disappeared as people ducked to see if they might be the person.

“AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!” Mary squealed. “That’s me, that’s me!!!!!!!”

The host grinned. “Well, come on down! You’re about to Go With the Flow!”

Mary raced down there excitedly, Pete reveled in his mother’s joy. Beside him, Maddie grinned. “You did not….” he started to say.

“Guilty. But don’t you dare tell.”

“What’s your name, and where are you from?” Matt asked the randomly-selected audience contestant.

“Um…my name is Mary, and I’m from Tulsa, Oklahoma.”

“Okay, Mary from Tulsa, do you know the rules to Go With the Flow?” Matt asked.

“Of course she does.” Pete snorted.

Blank stare from Mary, she froze. Candy was feeling sorry for her, recalling the myriad of auditions she’d flunked. Quentin was wondering where to get a good burger after the show, and the actor behind the Killer’s mask was trying to figure out how he wound up doing this.

“Uh, Matt…..I know the rules, I love this show, but with all the excitement….they disappeared.”

“Mom?” Pete did a double take.

“Okay, that’s all right, sometimes we can just get a little rattled,” Matt said swiftly. “It’s really simple; I ask a question, and the person who controls the board answers. Then the rest of you say whether you agree or not. If you all go with the flow and agree, then you win $500 for charity! How’s that sound?”

“Sounds great.”

“And what charity are you going to donate your winnings to today?”

Mary thought a second. “I’ll donate them to Grace Bible Church in Tulsa.”

“Okay, I’m sure they could use the money and put it to good use.” The audience chuckled at Matt’s flippant remark.

“You’ll get the first question,” he continued, looking at Mary. “Say you come across someone lying hurt and bleeding on the road. What would you do?”

“What is ‘I would help them’?”

“Wrong show.” More giggles from the crowd. “But that’s a good answer, though. How about you, Quentin?”

“Me too, Bob. For sure.”

“My name is Matt. Candy?”

“Of course I would help them.” Candy replied charmingly.

“Killer?”

The Killer thought a minute, shrugged, then gave a thumbs-up sign.

“Way to go with the flow! Looks like we’ve just won $500 for charity.” The audience went wild.

“Next question: Quentin, you’re at a huge Hollywood party with all your friends and entourage and hangers-on and paparazzi and everything, and there’s several producers you want to impress there, too. Somebody at the party offers you some marijuana. What do you do?”

The star thought a minute. “Well, it’s a little hard to imagine a party where everyone’s not trying to impress me, but I’m an actor, so I’ll try.”

“Good idea,” Matt dropped dryly.

“I’d have to say that I would smoke that joint, and definitely inhale and enjoy it.”

“Mmkayy…there’s his answer. What do you say, Candy?”

“…I guess so. I mean, it’s for charity, right?”

Matt shrugged. “Sure, whatever you want to believe. Killer?”

The Killer held a make-believe joint up to his lips and took a big drag. The crowd went wild.

“Looks like everybody else is going with the flow, so it’s up to you.” Matt said to Mary.

“No, I wouldn’t do that! It’s bad for you. And it’s illegal!”

Everyone looked startled. Matt frowned.

“That – that’s going against the flow. No money awarded for that one…You’re sure you understand the rules?”

“Yes, I understand.” Mary answered composedly.

“All right…let’s try again. Candy, you’re offered the lead role in a major upcoming movie, but if you accept the part, you’ll have to do several steamy love scenes. Will you do it?”

With the slightest twinge of irony, she said, “I’m assuming it’s essential to the plot of the movie.”

“Always seems to be, doesn’t it?” the host fired back quickly, with seeming perfect seriousness.

“You’re right. Sure, I’ll do it.”

“How ‘bout you, Quent? I can call you Quent, right?”

“No.”

“Okay, sorry, Quentin.”

“I pardon you.” (Pause) “What was the question?”

“Would you do a steamy love scene?” Matt was thinking to himself that being a game-show host wasn’t always what it seemed like it was cracked up to be. Maddie was feeling grateful that this situation didn’t come up on a day when she was hosting.

“Sure thing, Pat.” Quentin replied carelessly.

“It’s Matt. Killer?”

The Killer jumped up and started to disrobe. Matt leaped in front of him, hiding the scene from the cameras.

“Killer, stop! This is a family show! And we don’t want to get the FCC involved, that would be bad for everybody. And so…just, this isn’t the place.”

The Killer nodded and meekly sat back down.

“Well, would you do it?” Matt quickly got things back on track, directing the question to Mary.

She looked shocked. “No way!!!”

Now Matt looked shocked. “She…she did it again, folks. You’re still going against the flow. No money awarded – again.”

“How stupid can you be?” Quentin asked angrily.

“Just go with the flow! It’s for charity.” Candy pleaded.

“Okay, everyone, I’m sure we can all agree on this one. For the Killer; if you were guaranteed that nobody would catch you, would you murder a complete stranger for a million dollars?”

The Killer brandished his machete and swung it across his throat. Mary scooted her chair a couple inches in the other direction.

“Who am I kidding? He’d do it for free.” Matt tossed this aside to the audience. They chuckled in appreciation. “Quentin?”

“Sure, it’s just one person.”

Matt frowned. This show really was not going according to plan today. “Okay…that’s a little scary, but we’ll accept it. Candy?”

“I’d kill ‘em and then give the money to charity.”

“How sweet. Okay, Mary, it’s up to you; Will you go with the flow?”

“You people are insane! No, I would not kill a random stranger.”

The Killer brandished his knife and moved towards Mary. Matt leaped forwards again to stop him from inflicting any real damage.

“No murders on the show! That’s not allowed, either!”

The Killer stormed offstage.

“This is the lamest thing I’ve ever done! I’m firing my publicist.” Quentin fumed, stalking away.

“We hardly have any money for charity. How can you be so heartless?” Candy implored, almost in tears.

“Well…you’ve kind of ruined the show today. What do you have to say for yourself?” Matt asked Mary.

She bit her lip, then said, “…I guess sometimes you just gotta do the right thing and stand up against the flow sometimes.”

“Well….whatever helps you sleep at night. Sorry for the show today, folks; hopefully we’ll someone more willing to go with the flow tomorrow. Until then, I’m Matt Kojak, signing off.”

The blinking red “ON AIR” sign shut off, leaving the studio audience rather stunned. 

Just a Big Push

This is an adaptation of one of the skits that a drama ministry I was involved with did. We were called SWAT(Students With a Testimony) and went around to different churches and places around the area. 

Imagine, if you will, an ordinary family in eastern Oklahoma, though they could really live anywhere in the country. Almost remarkable in their ordinariness; for that happens so little nowadays…George met Mary just after college, they got married and have stayed together for a little more than twenty years. It wasn’t perfect, of course, and at times things didn’t go too smoothly, but overall they tolerated each other’s quirks reasonably well, things worked out nicely. They had two children, daughter Janie and son Pete, both of whom were now teenagers who insulted each other constantly and were typically disgusted and embarrassed by their parents’ ways of doing things. But they all had a strong sense of family, and that was the glue that kept them together and ruled the day. That loyalty didn’t prevent dysfunction, however – Most people they knew would point to them as a family that was great to be around, but don’t copy their parenting style or anything. But it worked for them.

One of the main rules, probably the main one; could be summed up by this phrase, coined by Janie one day: “The basic theme of our road trips is like, once we get there, you ask, ‘…But did we die?’ And that pretty much sums up everything.” Almost anything went – which, actually, explains a lot…like the menagerie of animals, or the spur-of-the-moment musicals through Wal-Mart. They were very experienced at improv.

Anyway, they lived in a rather ordinary house in the middle of the smallish community called Ritter Hill. It had a basement, which was unusual, and the place was generally strewn about with books of every description. Neighbors were friendly, but mostly kept their distance, besides Mrs. Sylvia Bird, an energetic, enthusiastic busybody who was extremely involved with her church’s activities; and That Helpful Guy, nobody could remember his name(was it Don?), but he usually had just the right tools for fixing a broken sink or starting the car or whatever else might be needed. 

They spent most of their time in that basement, there was a ping pong table in one corner, a pool table in the other, and then several couches and chairs and stuff. Heated table tennis battles could ensue, complete with smashed lips and stinging kneecaps. And one of Pete’s friends once broke his thumb by mistake while playing.

George needed a car, the old one was wearing out, and Jane and Pete’s was falling apart, so it was time to find something new. So….well, I’ll let him tell the story.

I was at the used car dealership, dealing with one of my least favorite people on the planet, Bill Vann. He is just…such a used-car salesman. And he is so hard to bargain with. But this time I had a plan, and I’d clued Mary and the kids in on it. I was hoping to find the cheapest gas-saver I could come across, assuming it still worked. (Being Bill….I wasn’t so sure. Had lots of experience with his lemons.) He came along up beside me.

“LOOKING AT BUYING A NEW CAR TODAY?!”

I stepped back, couldn’t help it. “Well, yes. Yes, I am. Maybe you could help me find what I’m looking for.”

He looked flattered, and boomed on. “Of COURSE, George! That’s what I’m here for, isn’t it?! Yes, you look like the type of customer searching for a sporty new pickup, am I right? Now, this would be for you, wouldn’t it?”

“Well, not quite…it’s kind of for me, but –“

“Oh, well, OF COURSE! It’s for your wife, Miriam, isn’t it?! Or is the kids, Jenny and…Piper?”

I rolled my eyes. “It’s Mary. Mary, Janie and Pete. I was actually looking more along the lines of a gas-sipper, if you have anything like that. In reasonable condition, of course.”

“Yes, yes. There are some right over here this way…” He grimaced slightly, guiding me along towards his somewhat-more-reputable offerings, tucked away into the back corner of the lot.

“What could you tell me about this one?” I pointed to an old Rabbit, it looked to be in one piece.

“WELL, you OBVIOUSLY know a GREAT DEAL when you see one! This 1982 Volkswagen Rabbit is very reasonably priced, doesn’t use much gas at all. And would you take a look at that upholstery?!” (I was. It was a hideous reddish-mauve color, looked like pleather. Quite loud and ugly.) “Uh-huh…” I said in acknowledgement.

“The color is VERY popular this year, and take a listen to this horn!” He honked the horn, it sounded something like “Eenk, eenk!” “Hmm….” I nodded appreciatively. (The interior, like I said, was a disastrous shade of depressing 70’s crimson, and the outside was blindingly orange, of a rather sickening color. Made you want to throw up just looking at it.)  

“Isn’t that just a GRREAT horn?! WHAT a horn. Any man would be PROUD to park this in HIS OWN DRIVEWAY, eh, George?! What do you say?”

“Hmm…” I again nodded appreciatively, considering. If I agreed, he’d be sure to knock the price down to something extremely reasonable, and then I’d have enough to pay That Helpful Guy to fix all the broken parts. And it looked hideous, for sure. More so than I intended, but…it would run well. And there were plenty of worse-looking cars out there, right? The important part was that it got you where you wanted to go. They’d understand.

There. I won this time, and wouldn’t have to deal with him again for several years, hopefully. So I drove it home and left the blue Olds Intrigue at the Auto Zone near the dealership, I’d pick it up later.

I park it in the driveway, then get out and push it the rest of the way up nearby to the garage door.

“Mary! Kids! Look what the old man brought home!”

(Interrupting here, it was mostly a typical Saturday at home. This is what was going on inside.)

“Twisss-TER….” Mary was using that “you are so in trouble, dog” tone. The blonde beagle/Lhasa Apso mix scurried off the couch and went to hide under the kitchen table. “Whatcha watching?” she asked Janie.

“Return to Titanic.”

 “Again?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“No reason…it’s just, like, the ninth time you’ve seen it.”

“Wellll…..yeahh….” her daughter agreed. She gestured at the screen, where Quentin Gage was looking ruggedly handsome with his “I-haven’t-bathed-with-soap-in-eight-days-yet-I-still-look-perfect” hair all styled and scruffily well-trimmed beard, gazing soulfully in a masculine way while looking way off into the distance, as the ocean-specializing archeologist Colin Thayer. “He’s just….I love his acting. And he’s hot!”

“Okay, Janie, if you say so…” Mary rolled her eyes, thinking back to when she was a teenager and had a massive crush on Cary Elwes. “My show’s about on, can you pause it for a while and finish later?”

“It’s a DVD, not a VHS tape; you can’t just pause it and return immediately where you were.” Janie snorted, but complied.

The intro music for Mary‘s favorite game show, Go With the Flow, could be heard as Janie looked to see what Pete was doing.

“You’re…what the heck are you doing, anyway?”

“Barking “Jingle Bells” with Sleet and reading this story in the paper about Candy Karpinski.”

She frowned. “Back up….barking “Jingle Bells”…?”

“Yeah…I was bored.”

“That’s when you meow songs, not bark them. Anyway; what’s the story about?”

“Well, it says that she’s got a new movie coming out soon in a couple months, called Haley’s Company, and that guy you like is supposed to be in it, too.”

“SERIOUSLY? We are GOING to this one.”

“I know, right? Anyway, what’d you come in here for?”

“Ping pong?”

“You’re goin’ down.”

They’d barely gotten started when George yelled, “Mary! Kids! Look what the old man brought home!” 

They came running, then stopped abruptly at the door. “I hope it’s not another stray dog…we’ve already got four.” Mary moaned.

“I hope it’s not another box of week-old doughnuts. My teeth still hurt from the last ones.” Janie rolled her eyes.

“I know, those were terrible for our braces,” Pete agreed.

“Don’t remind me.”

“Maybe it’s some more fireworks? I still don’t know how Dad didn’t know Black Cats were illegal inside city limits…”

“Welll….let’s go see what adventure your father’s brought home today,” Mary said firmly(and also rather pathetically).

“Do we have to?”

“I can’t wait…”

So they came outside and looked at the new(old) car. “A new car!” Mary said faintly brightly. The kids echoed, sounding less-than-pleased. They scowled at each other behind Mary’s back, I pretended I didn’t see. They needed to be embarrassed sometimes, it’d do them good.

“Oh, George….it’s…beautiful. Can we go for a ride?”

“Sure!” I waved them in. “Hop on in!”

So they hopped in, Mary driving, kids in the back, they were busy elbowing each other. I rapped on the back window to get them to quit, so they settled into merely glaring holes through each other by looking in opposite directions out the window. Then I pushed the car around the block, showing it off. We were getting plenty of strange looks, we’d gone about around the block about three times when Mrs. Bird waved hello. She’s…a character. Friendly, but unusual. And very very very involved in the goings-on at her church.

“Howdy, neighbors! How are y’all liking your new car?”

“Oh, it’s tremendous,” I said. “Look at that upholstery, and get an eyeful of this color, oh, yes! Listen to this horn.” (I ran around to the front, reached in and punched the horn a couple times. Eenk, eenk!) “But I do find it sort of exhausting…it goes downhill beautifully, but if there’s even the slightest rise in the pavement, I find myself panting and struggling and groaning. It’s very difficult to push it uphill.”

“Wow. You really do have a problem there, all right.” Mrs. Bird was starting in one of her speeches. Mary and the kids slunk back towards the house, can’t really say I blamed them. “Well, my friend, you certainly do look like you could need some help! But I think I’ve got some good news for you. Ya know, at our church we’re having a conference this week, and our speaking is fixin’ to talk about the very subject you need to hear: ‘How To Push a Car Successfully!’ On Monday night he’s going to show us how to push with our right shoulder.” (She indicated which was the right shoulder.) “And Tuesday night he’ll illustrate the techniques of pushing with our left shoulder.” (She again pointed out which was the left shoulder.) I nodded along in agreement.

“On Wednesday night we’ll have a slideshow and an overhead projector(I immediately thought of “The Song of the Cebu”, couldn’t help it.) “to show us how to really get our backs into the work and push! On Thursday night he’s got committees and workshops organized that will all help us push more effectively, and on Friday night there’s gonna be a great dedication service where we’ll all come down to the front and commit ourselves anew to the work of pushing cars! It’s gonaa be great. Come on out every night next week, and learn all there is to know about how to push a car successfully!”

She couldn’t be serious…could she? Why on Earth would there be an actual conference on car-pushing? And if there was, why would a church be putting it on? Would they find some way to tie a message into that somehow?

All I said was, “Well, um…thanks. That sounds like it may be just what I need.”

“Great! Hope to see ya there!”

I turned back to pushing, homeward bound this time. That’s about when That Helpful Guy, Don, spotted me.

“Well, hey, George! Man…you look pretty tired. How’s the new car treatin’ ya?”

I sighed. “Oh, it’s a tremendous car…or it will be, anyway. Still has some kinks to work out, but it’s got a lot of interesting things going for it. The upholstery, the color…the horn. Get a load of this horn.” I honked it again. Eenk, eenk.

He nodded appreciatively. “It is a pretty great horn. Can I show you one of its best features, though? Come along here over with me, it’s under the hood.” I popped the hood, he lifted it up. “You see that big iron thing with all the wiggles coming out of it?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, that is a real motor. A power plant, in a way. One that really needs some work, but, anyhow…The maker of this car knew that you’d be having the problems you’ve been having, and so they designed a power plant that would enable you to go uphill just as easily as you go downhill. When you learn several simple things about how to operate and maintain the motor and everything else under here, you’ll begin to understand it’s power. Just turn this key and the motor will start. Then you pull down on that lever, step on the pedal – No, not yet! Yeah, there we go. You do the steering, but the engine supplies all the power you’ll need. You won’t have to push at all; just sit back and you can go up the highest hills as easy as you can breathe. You won’t have to worry, cause that engine will handle any demand.”

“Man, that’s the best news I’ve heard all day. That other way was way too exhausting. The car looked pretty good” (Don winced.) “but I was becoming an old man before my time. You got time for a ride?”

He shrugged. “Sure! Would you mind if I worked on it for a while, though? It has some problems, and if the kids are gonna drive it…”

“Sounds like a plan.” I smacked the horn again for emphasis. No response. “Hmm…and now the horn is broken...”

“Sooo…..we’re actually gonna drive the Rabbit, Dad?” Janie asked on the way to church about a week later.

“That’s what I had in mind, yeah.” I answered.

“….Oh. Well, okay…as long as it runs, I guess. Why were you pretending the engine was out?”

I thought about that a minute. “I’m not sure. Guess it just needed a little livening up, maybe, make it into an adventure.”

“That’d be easy enough. I mean, it’s us, after all…” muttered Pete.

“You know, I was thinking,” Mary announced. The rest of us prepared for the worst.

“Doesn’t it seem like the church today acts a lot like the way you were acting, dear? Like, always thinking ‘Maybe if we have cooler worship songs’ or ‘Our church spent this much money on a new sanctuary’ or ‘We must get involved in every, single, fundraising, effort to increase our crowds, instead of just preaching Scripture and relying on God. It’s all about us, how important we are, we’ve got everything all figured out, who needs the Holy Spirit? It’s like, we just focus all our energy on how to make the most use of our human resources, try harder to do God’s work for Him. It’s works, not faith. Positive thinking, the ‘power of a determined will’, all that crap.”

“It’s messed up.” Pete agreed.

“Thankful for our church.” Janie said quietly.

Silence for a while, except for the mandolin and fiddle of the gospel music on the radio.

“It needs a name, though….something sarcastic enough to be able to bear driving that thing around town. Wouldn’t be able to handle it otherwise.” she added.

“Wapid Wabbit?” I suggested.

“NO.” everyone else said firmly.

“Okay…sorry….I was just trying to think up something.”

“How about ‘Calamity Junker’?” Mary offered.

“Not quite right…but getting there. Oh, Dad, WHY…?” Janie moaned.

“What, you aren’t down for tribulational joyrides?” her brother jabbed in quickly.

Her ears perked up. “You know…that could work. We could call her TJ….”

“We could...”

“Let’s do it.”

High five in the backseat.

We pulled into the church parking lot, eleven minutes late. “I thought we could get there faster this time…” Mary said to herself.