So I've written a review of the first trilogy(and those are spectacular movies). And then when The Amazing Spider-Man came out, we(as a youth group) had to go see it. And so, since we(as a family) missed the sequel the first time, we thought we'd go see it at the dollar theater. Which me, Mom, Courtney and Trevor did yesterday afternoon. But first we re-watched The Amazing Spider-Man before we left. It turned out to actually be a very well-made film. True, like I've said before, the acting was overdone and the storyline was shallow, but it was an action movie more than anything else, and being so, the other aspects could be forgiven, somewhat. My favorite scenes are still the ones where Peter asks Gwen out, and then Aunt May commenting that Gwen was pretty right after Captain Stacy's funeral.
In an interview between the first and second films of the rebooted series, Emma Stone said that while Peter was the muscle of their team, Gwen was the brains. And that's a very good summary of their interaction and roles.
TASM2 opens with the same scene as the first, but from a different perspective, focusing on Richard Parker, instead of four-year-old Peter playing hide-and-seek like the first movie. (I love that trick of storytelling.) As I said about two years ago, "It's a darker, more realistic world....The dialogue feels more true-to-life, which somehow loses points, even though technically it should be better."
After dropping Peter off at Uncle Ben and Aunt May's, Richard and Mary hop onto a private jet and plan to stay as far away from Oscorp as possible. An assassin murders the pilot and an intense fight follows, including a pistol going off, someone hurtling through a window, and a massive file transfer, before the plane crashes.
Fourteen years later, Peter has been bitten by one of Richard's leftover spiders, Uncle Ben's been shot, Captain Stacy has died and Curt Connors has been incarcerated for his actions as the Lizard. And Peter's gotten used to this do-gooding Spider-Man gig. It keeps him busy, though. So busy, in fact, that he nearly misses his own high school graduation, a fact which valedictorian Gwen isn't too happy about. But there was this Russian thug named Alexei Sysetevich hijacking an Oscorp armored truck. During this chase, Spidey both delivers, well, amazing snarky commentary(sorry, I couldn't help it) to the criminal and saves the life of a pathetic Oscorp engineer named Max Dillon.
During the fight, Peter sees a vision of Captain Stacy and remembers his wishes for keeping his daughter safe. Peter is twisted between his striving to keep his promise and yearning to be with Gwen. Exasperated from this well-worn internal battle, she breaks up with him that night.
Harry Osborn comes back to New York to see his dying father Norman, who in addition to bitterly expressing his disappointment in his son, also tells Harry that he too has the hereditary retroviral hyperdisplaisia disease. Norman gives Harry a cube which apparently contains his life's work. Norman dies the next day.
A now-Spidey-obsessed Max is pitifully lacking anything close to a life, feels invisible, and is extremely, unbearably sensitive(he makes Danny Rebus from The Electric Company look normal). Especially annoyed at no one noticing (or caring) that it's his birthday, a slip while doing maintenance work becomes a massive catastrophe. It's a big headache for top people at Oscorp, given the already-shaky investor confidence following the Connors episode. Following an awkward board meeting where newly-installed CEO Harry meets the board members and an even worse reunion scene between Harry and Peter, some unnamed board member hushes up the Dillon accident, citing the already-shaky investor confidence levels after the Connors episode.
Gwen tells Peter that she might move to England for school, as she's one of the finalists for a hugely prestigious Oxford scholarship. While they're talking about it, Max, now a human power station, wanders into Times Square and inadvertently causes a blackout. The police show up, and Max defends himself animal-like, scared and with no idea what's going on, lashing out at anyone seen as a threat. Spider-Man attempts to calm him down, but those efforts fail when he doesn't remember who Max is. Enraged, Max, now calling himself Electro, attacks everything in sight, and the police fire at him, which doesn't help matters, and Spider-Man has to rescue the numerous civilians watching the scene. Electro is taken to the Ravencroft Institute for the Criminally Insane, where he's experimented on by a German named Dr. Kafka.
Harry decides that Spider-Man's blood could possibly save him, but is turned down both by Peter and Spider-Man, and the Oscorp board fires Harry after framing him of covering up Max's accident. Harry's assistant Felicia tells him about secret equipment that could save him, so he makes a deal with Electro to get inside the building. In the Special Projects hidden lab he finds a glider and flightsuit, as well as antivenom, tentacles, a rhino-like exoskeleton and mechanical wings. This all hurriedly creates the Green Goblin, and Harry races off to find Spider-Man.
Throughout the movie Peter's been trying to uncover more about his parents' disappearance(Aunt May doesn't much like this) and he discovers a hidden subway station lab where Richard hid the information about his work, knowing that Oscorp would use it as a biogenetic weapon. Gwen finds out she got the scholarship and plans to head to England immediately to get a head start on her studies. She gets stuck in traffic, which gives him time to say "I love you" dramatically, They get back together and make plans for him to come with her when they see Electro heading to the main power grid to take the entire city's power and they rush away to stop him.
With Gwen's smarts and Peter's skills, they defeat Electro by overloading his electricity charge, only to have Harry/Green Goblin come sailing in and kidnap Gwen as revenge for Spider-Man not cooperating with a blood transfusion. The following fight takes them to a clock tower, and in the melee Gwen hurtles towards the ground and Peter tries to save her, but she dies.
Months pass, and Peter is still deeply grieving her loss, he's stopped crime-fighting he's been so depressed. Harry is in Ravencroft, his condition improving, and plans are made to take out Spider-Man for good. Inspired by Gwen's graduation speech and a little boy's courage, he gets back into the superhero game by again taking on that Russian thug Sysetevich, now dressed in a heavily-weaponized rhino-themed exoskeleton. The end.
I enjoyed it(but it's hard to not like superhero movies, unless it's The Fantastic Four or X-Men), but this was a strange movie. Several times I had to stop and wonder, "Wait....what's happening?!" There were way too many undeveloped characters, and there were huge plot holes that were skipped over or extremely poorly-connected. (Like Norman's death, how Peter-Gwen-Harry knew each other, or why Peter was under surveillance.) And most of the dialogue from the previews was absolutely nowhere to be found, which is always extremely annoying. Norman dies immediately, and Harry rapidly becomes the Green Goblin and then just as quickly is in jail. It's the second movie of a planned quartet, so that obviously leaves lots of questions unanswered, but still....this story was not very well done. And it's really long....two hours and 21 minutes. I did like Max, though, his character was well-written.
There were some good bits of dialogue, though; like Peter and Aunt May arguing over whose job it is to wash his clothes. Or when Spider-Man knocks on the door of the runaway semi. Or repeatedly calling Electro "Sparkles". Gwen's graduation speech is good, and when she says that yes, he is Spider-Man, and she loves that, but she loves Peter Parker more, and that makes all the Spidey stuff worth it. Or when she accidentally screams out "PETER!" to a retreating Spider-Man and then instantly clamps a hand over her mouth, looking horrified. And I really liked the way they filmed her falling and then him standing by the grave as the season change.
Peter says at one point in this film, about Spider-Man, "I like to think he gives people hope." And he does. Andrew Garfield's portrayal is different than Tobey Maguire's, but it's a completely different take on the same character. Garfield plays a better Spider-Man, but Maguire was a better Peter Parker. But they're two different takes on the same story. So that's all right. And Spider-Man, and all superheroes generally, gives people hope, inspires them to keep going, keep fighting, trying to improve their speck of the world.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Captain America: The Winter Soldier is a huge movie in scope. Not just because it was one of 2014's biggest hits, but in the amount of impact it had throughout the entire MCU in general.
This movie, of course, is the sequel to Captain America, and also in a sequel to The Avengers, as everything else is in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is tied back somehow. It also ties in extremely closely with the first season of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., which is an incredibly amazing feat of scriptwriting. In my opinion, it's one of the best MCU movies so far, right up there with Iron Man 3.
Steve Rogers is living in a Washington D.C. apartment now and working for S.H.I.E.L.D. as he struggles to adapt to the modern world of today two years after the Battle of New York. Not so much the technology; more like the societal attitudes and shifted alliances and ethics of people in general. The Internet is very helpful for things like that, and the food is much now than it was back in his day, where they boiled everything. (He mentions these in conversation.) Running is a good way to get away from thinking about problems for a bit, I've found. Steve knows this, too, and on one of his early-morning gallops he repeatedly sails by this guy and chats with him afterward. This other guy is former military, too, his name's Sam Wilson, and he's working at the VA as a PTSD counselor. They chat for a bit, until a text on Steve's phone signals it's time to get to work.
He, Natasha Romanoff and the S.H.I.E.L.D. special-forces unit(S.T.R.I.K.E., led by Agent Rumlow) head to a ship called the Lumerian Star, which has been captured by French mercenaries led by Georges Batroc. Agent Sitwell is one of the many hostages aboard this vessel needed to be freed. Cap and the S.T.R.I.K.E. team take out the mercenaries effectively, while the Black Widow has a mission of her own to complete: extracting S.H.I.E.L.D. data from the ship's computers. And, also in a self-tasked role, giving Cap a hard time about getting him to date somebody.
"You know, I bet if you asked Kristen out, from statistics, she'd probably say yes." "That's why I don't ask." "Too shy or too scared?" "Too busy!"
A pretty ticked-off Steve angrily questions Director Nick Fury at the Triskelion(S.H.I.E.L.D.'s bureaucratic headquarters) about Natasha's information retrieval, and Fury explains about Project Insight; a plan to use three upgraded and improved Helicarriers linked by satellite designed to take out threats before they ever happen. Steve's not too happy about this new method of warfare. (It seems very NSA-like. And when the movie came out in April, the NSA leak stuff had been only a few months before, so still very fresh on audience's minds.)
Once Steve leaves, Fury attempts to access the files on the memory stick, only to be told that they had been sealed - by himself. Suspicious, he asks longtime friend and member of the World Security Council Alexander Pierce to delay Insight's implementation.
On his way to a meeting with Commander Maria Hill, Fury is ambushed by a company of fake D.C. police and a mysterious man with a metal arm known as the Winter Soldier, a ghost-like assassin with over two dozen kills over the years. Fury escapes to Steve's apartment, only to be shot by the Winter Soldier. Cap's neighbor Kate the nurse turns out to actually be S.H.I.E.L.D.'s Agent 13, assigned to protect Steve. She gets Fury to the hospital, but the wounds are too bad and he dies at 1:03 a.m. Fury gave the flash drive to Cap, who hid it in a hospital vending machine.
Pierce commands Steve to divulge Fury's intentions and reasons for coming to the apartment, an order Cap refuses. Pierce declares Steve Rogers to be a fugitive and sics the S.T.R.I.K.E. force after him and Natasha. They find a clue via the flash drive and a nearby mall's Apple store that directs them to Camp Lehigh, New Jersey, which they then travel to after avoiding the hunters.
At Camp Lehigh, where Dr. Abraham Erskine's super-soldier experimental training was conducted, Steve and Natasha find the secret base of operations for S.H.I.E.L.D., and inside the bunker basement they discover a supercomputer with Dr. Armin Zola's preserved consciousness. Dr. Zola recounts the rise of HYDRA throughout the years, as they've been hidden in plain sight ever since the beginning. A missile destroys the building, and Steve and Natasha barely escape.
They go to Sam Wilson's apartment, with nowhere else really to go. "Everyone we know is trying to kill us." "Not everyone." Over breakfast the three of them devise a plan, to steal/borrow Cap's old suit from the Smithsonian and get Sam's Falcon flight suit.
Those tasks completed, the trio sets out to interrogate Agent Sitwell, who explains that Zola created an algorithm that predicts future threats to HYDRA, which is the base of Insight. The new quartet, counting the now-detained Sitwell, is ambushed on the freeway by the Winter Soldier and Rumlow's S.T.R.I.K.E. team, an intense fight follows. They escape to a safehouse with Commander Hill's help, where they discover(much to their relief) that Fury is still alive, though heavily wounded. There they come to the difficult conclusion that in order to stop this HYDRA takeover, S.H.I.E.L.D. basically has to be blown up. The first step of that plan is to bring down Project Insight through replacement of the Helicarrier's targeting chips.
Steve reveals the HYDRA plot to everyone at the Triskelion during the Helicarrier launch, and from there, everything S.H.I.E.L.D.-related is in major disarray, to say the least. (Trying not to spoilAgents of S.H.I.E.L.D. here....but if you haven't seen it, by all means, WATCH!!!!) Natasha leaksall S.H.I.E.L.D. documents and files out to the general public, which instantly starts trending. Fury shoots Pierce, and Steve and Sam manage to replace the chips of two Helicarriers before the Winter Soldier destroys the Falcon's suit and grounds him. Captain America and the Winter Soldier struggle inside the third Helicarrier before the final chip is replaced, and Hill resets the targeting so that the ships will destroy each other. As they're crashing down back to Earth, bringing the Triskelion down in the wreckage on the way, Fury and Natasha rescue Sam, and in an effort to save his old friend, Steve quits fighting the Winter Soldier and is thrown out into the Potomac River.
The unconscious Steve is pulled form the water by the Winter Soldier, who then slips away. The Black Widow is brought before a Senate subcommittee and explains her actions, both as KGB and S.H.I.E.L.D. Hill interviews for a job at the Human Resources division of Stark Industries, and Steve's neighbor starts over with the CIA. Fury creates a new disguise and burns most unneeded personal articles, intent on staying in the shadows to take out the other HYDRA cells that must surely be in Europe. Rumlow is hospitalized and well-burned following the explosion. Steve and Sam decide to go after the Winter Soldier, while the Black Widow sets off to piece together as best she can a new life and identity. "Will you do me a favor; call that nurse?" "She's not a nurse." "And you're not a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent." "What was her name again?" "Sharon. You'll like her. She's nice."
There's a lot of good quotes to think about scattered throughout this movie. Like Sitwell's commentary on the digital book that is the 21st century. Or Steve and Natasha's conversations about truth, lies and ethics. After purposely knocking herself out with her stingers, Black Widow muttering "Ow....that does sting." This is a very hard story to summarize without giving too much away; as all terrific tales are a challenge to sum up. There is too much, as Inigo Montoya said.
My three favorite superheroes are Captain America, Spider-Man and Iron Man, I think. (Does Phil Coulson count as a superhero?) Steve's just kind of easy to relate to, somehow. (I've taken a couple of those "Which Avenger are you?" personality tests and gotten Captain America.) And Dad, Courtney, Caleb and Trevor all make weekly comments about finding a girlfriend or getting married. So has Amanda, too, for the last several months, she's been Black Widow-like trying to talk me into going on a date with somebody. Guess I kind of have Steve's attitude on those types of things.
In the mid-credits scene, Baron Von Strucker is talking to someone else at a secret HYDRA base somewhere in Europe, one of many. They have Loki's scepter, and have been running experiments with deadly results. There are, also, two prisoners that survived: the crazed twins Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch(played by the Olsen twins' little sister). "HYDRA and S.H.I.E.L.D. are two sides to the same coin....one that is no longer currency. This isn't the age of spies anymore. Not even the age of heroes. It is the age of miracles....and there is nothing more horrifying that a miracle." This sets up nicely into Avengers: Age of Ultron next May, andGuardians of the Galaxy(in early August) will also set it up in some way. So that could lead to superhero discussions with other Marvel fans like Ash, Jon, Mr. DeSpain or the Perrys.
The end-credits scene features the Winter Soldier, in darker versions of almost the exact same thing Steve was wearing earlier(that seems significant in some way), visiting the Smithsonian Captain America exhibit, staring at the Bucky Barnes memorial.
This movie, of course, is the sequel to Captain America, and also in a sequel to The Avengers, as everything else is in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is tied back somehow. It also ties in extremely closely with the first season of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., which is an incredibly amazing feat of scriptwriting. In my opinion, it's one of the best MCU movies so far, right up there with Iron Man 3.
Steve Rogers is living in a Washington D.C. apartment now and working for S.H.I.E.L.D. as he struggles to adapt to the modern world of today two years after the Battle of New York. Not so much the technology; more like the societal attitudes and shifted alliances and ethics of people in general. The Internet is very helpful for things like that, and the food is much now than it was back in his day, where they boiled everything. (He mentions these in conversation.) Running is a good way to get away from thinking about problems for a bit, I've found. Steve knows this, too, and on one of his early-morning gallops he repeatedly sails by this guy and chats with him afterward. This other guy is former military, too, his name's Sam Wilson, and he's working at the VA as a PTSD counselor. They chat for a bit, until a text on Steve's phone signals it's time to get to work.
He, Natasha Romanoff and the S.H.I.E.L.D. special-forces unit(S.T.R.I.K.E., led by Agent Rumlow) head to a ship called the Lumerian Star, which has been captured by French mercenaries led by Georges Batroc. Agent Sitwell is one of the many hostages aboard this vessel needed to be freed. Cap and the S.T.R.I.K.E. team take out the mercenaries effectively, while the Black Widow has a mission of her own to complete: extracting S.H.I.E.L.D. data from the ship's computers. And, also in a self-tasked role, giving Cap a hard time about getting him to date somebody.
"You know, I bet if you asked Kristen out, from statistics, she'd probably say yes." "That's why I don't ask." "Too shy or too scared?" "Too busy!"
A pretty ticked-off Steve angrily questions Director Nick Fury at the Triskelion(S.H.I.E.L.D.'s bureaucratic headquarters) about Natasha's information retrieval, and Fury explains about Project Insight; a plan to use three upgraded and improved Helicarriers linked by satellite designed to take out threats before they ever happen. Steve's not too happy about this new method of warfare. (It seems very NSA-like. And when the movie came out in April, the NSA leak stuff had been only a few months before, so still very fresh on audience's minds.)
Once Steve leaves, Fury attempts to access the files on the memory stick, only to be told that they had been sealed - by himself. Suspicious, he asks longtime friend and member of the World Security Council Alexander Pierce to delay Insight's implementation.
On his way to a meeting with Commander Maria Hill, Fury is ambushed by a company of fake D.C. police and a mysterious man with a metal arm known as the Winter Soldier, a ghost-like assassin with over two dozen kills over the years. Fury escapes to Steve's apartment, only to be shot by the Winter Soldier. Cap's neighbor Kate the nurse turns out to actually be S.H.I.E.L.D.'s Agent 13, assigned to protect Steve. She gets Fury to the hospital, but the wounds are too bad and he dies at 1:03 a.m. Fury gave the flash drive to Cap, who hid it in a hospital vending machine.
Pierce commands Steve to divulge Fury's intentions and reasons for coming to the apartment, an order Cap refuses. Pierce declares Steve Rogers to be a fugitive and sics the S.T.R.I.K.E. force after him and Natasha. They find a clue via the flash drive and a nearby mall's Apple store that directs them to Camp Lehigh, New Jersey, which they then travel to after avoiding the hunters.
At Camp Lehigh, where Dr. Abraham Erskine's super-soldier experimental training was conducted, Steve and Natasha find the secret base of operations for S.H.I.E.L.D., and inside the bunker basement they discover a supercomputer with Dr. Armin Zola's preserved consciousness. Dr. Zola recounts the rise of HYDRA throughout the years, as they've been hidden in plain sight ever since the beginning. A missile destroys the building, and Steve and Natasha barely escape.
They go to Sam Wilson's apartment, with nowhere else really to go. "Everyone we know is trying to kill us." "Not everyone." Over breakfast the three of them devise a plan, to steal/borrow Cap's old suit from the Smithsonian and get Sam's Falcon flight suit.
Those tasks completed, the trio sets out to interrogate Agent Sitwell, who explains that Zola created an algorithm that predicts future threats to HYDRA, which is the base of Insight. The new quartet, counting the now-detained Sitwell, is ambushed on the freeway by the Winter Soldier and Rumlow's S.T.R.I.K.E. team, an intense fight follows. They escape to a safehouse with Commander Hill's help, where they discover(much to their relief) that Fury is still alive, though heavily wounded. There they come to the difficult conclusion that in order to stop this HYDRA takeover, S.H.I.E.L.D. basically has to be blown up. The first step of that plan is to bring down Project Insight through replacement of the Helicarrier's targeting chips.
Steve reveals the HYDRA plot to everyone at the Triskelion during the Helicarrier launch, and from there, everything S.H.I.E.L.D.-related is in major disarray, to say the least. (Trying not to spoilAgents of S.H.I.E.L.D. here....but if you haven't seen it, by all means, WATCH!!!!) Natasha leaksall S.H.I.E.L.D. documents and files out to the general public, which instantly starts trending. Fury shoots Pierce, and Steve and Sam manage to replace the chips of two Helicarriers before the Winter Soldier destroys the Falcon's suit and grounds him. Captain America and the Winter Soldier struggle inside the third Helicarrier before the final chip is replaced, and Hill resets the targeting so that the ships will destroy each other. As they're crashing down back to Earth, bringing the Triskelion down in the wreckage on the way, Fury and Natasha rescue Sam, and in an effort to save his old friend, Steve quits fighting the Winter Soldier and is thrown out into the Potomac River.
The unconscious Steve is pulled form the water by the Winter Soldier, who then slips away. The Black Widow is brought before a Senate subcommittee and explains her actions, both as KGB and S.H.I.E.L.D. Hill interviews for a job at the Human Resources division of Stark Industries, and Steve's neighbor starts over with the CIA. Fury creates a new disguise and burns most unneeded personal articles, intent on staying in the shadows to take out the other HYDRA cells that must surely be in Europe. Rumlow is hospitalized and well-burned following the explosion. Steve and Sam decide to go after the Winter Soldier, while the Black Widow sets off to piece together as best she can a new life and identity. "Will you do me a favor; call that nurse?" "She's not a nurse." "And you're not a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent." "What was her name again?" "Sharon. You'll like her. She's nice."
There's a lot of good quotes to think about scattered throughout this movie. Like Sitwell's commentary on the digital book that is the 21st century. Or Steve and Natasha's conversations about truth, lies and ethics. After purposely knocking herself out with her stingers, Black Widow muttering "Ow....that does sting." This is a very hard story to summarize without giving too much away; as all terrific tales are a challenge to sum up. There is too much, as Inigo Montoya said.
My three favorite superheroes are Captain America, Spider-Man and Iron Man, I think. (Does Phil Coulson count as a superhero?) Steve's just kind of easy to relate to, somehow. (I've taken a couple of those "Which Avenger are you?" personality tests and gotten Captain America.) And Dad, Courtney, Caleb and Trevor all make weekly comments about finding a girlfriend or getting married. So has Amanda, too, for the last several months, she's been Black Widow-like trying to talk me into going on a date with somebody. Guess I kind of have Steve's attitude on those types of things.
In the mid-credits scene, Baron Von Strucker is talking to someone else at a secret HYDRA base somewhere in Europe, one of many. They have Loki's scepter, and have been running experiments with deadly results. There are, also, two prisoners that survived: the crazed twins Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch(played by the Olsen twins' little sister). "HYDRA and S.H.I.E.L.D. are two sides to the same coin....one that is no longer currency. This isn't the age of spies anymore. Not even the age of heroes. It is the age of miracles....and there is nothing more horrifying that a miracle." This sets up nicely into Avengers: Age of Ultron next May, andGuardians of the Galaxy(in early August) will also set it up in some way. So that could lead to superhero discussions with other Marvel fans like Ash, Jon, Mr. DeSpain or the Perrys.
The end-credits scene features the Winter Soldier, in darker versions of almost the exact same thing Steve was wearing earlier(that seems significant in some way), visiting the Smithsonian Captain America exhibit, staring at the Bucky Barnes memorial.
Friday, May 23, 2014
Books That Should Exist
These books, as far as I know, don't actually exist. But the subjects sound interesting, and I love puns, so...yeah.
"Rugs and Carpets", by Walter Walls.
Walls covers all aspects of this topic of floor-drapery, including Middle Eastern history, the Industrial Revolution and today's modern business. 241 pages, hardback.
"Glory Be! Amen, Brother! and Other Religious Sayings", by Holly Lujah.
Why do older folks sometimes shout agreement during a sermon? How can "Bless your heart" mean such different things whether Grandma says it to someone she doesn't like or a good friend? These and other questions are answered in Holly Lujah's newest title. 143 pages, paperback.
"Early Videogames", by Mrs. Packman.
Pong. Galaga. Dig Dug. Donkey Kong. Space Invaders. Frogger. All classics of the industry that evoke pleasant memories and wistful yearnings for a world with less connections. Interspersed are interviews with gamers, in addition to the business decisions that formed the way we see video games today. 302 pages, hardback, paperback or Kindle edition.
"Safety Tips", by Justin Case.
This world's a dangerous place at times....maybe Mom was right about all those things you never listened to. 54 pages, paperback.
"Lions, Tigers and Bears", by O. Myers.
This charming picture book explains how a small cat learns not to be afraid of bigger animals, in announcing their ballgames. 41 pages, hardback.
"Quilts", by Blaine Keys.
A fascinating coffee-table book ideal for those winter nights during a storm when the power goes out. Examines patterns and how their names came to be; as well as the mechanical process and social connectivity of creating quilts. 314 pages, paperback.
"The Big Book of Basketball Stats", by R.E. Bounds.
Every conceivable hoops fact imaginable can be found in this book, as well as a great many inconceivable as well. What year did Abe Saperstein form the Harlem Globetrotters? How important was George Mikan's influence on professional basketball? How far-out was the ABA's original 3-point shot? Find those and many more sports-bar stumpers inside the pages of this book. 422 pages, hardback.
"Ajax vs. Comet" and "Clorox vs. Tide", both by Dee Tergents.
In these books on cleaning materials, the author examines the creation of artificial grime-removal solutions and the branding wars that resulted as marketing has become ever more important. 224 and 253 pages, respectively, both available in paperback or Kindle editions.
"Bad Singers Found Here", by Cole Showers.
Ever wonder what happens to all those American Idol contestants who fail miserably in auditions? Or what made them try out in the first place? Showers on these questions and more in his book which came about, incidentally, in the bathroom, while pondering why good(and delusional) ideas come when least expecting them. 226 pages, available in hardback, paperback, Kindle or audiobook versions.
"COWS!", by Bo Vine.
Everything is covered here, from mating to milking, heifers to Holsteins, castration to curing meat. Stanchions, slaughter, breeds and brands. Cattle drives through Texas and Wisconsin milk-producers. 347 pages, hardback or paperback.
"Town Drunks", by Otis Campbell.
The definitive word on the subject; examining the town drunk's role in small-town society and politics, as well as in popular music, movies and TV shows. 245 pages, hardback.
"The History of Church Clocks", by Father Tim E. Pieces.
Not many know of the interesting twists and turns of how their local church's clocks came to be. Here are laid clues for future sleuthing laid throughout as the author relates the accounts of six such clocks. 361 pages, hardback or paperback. His son Reese S. wrote a book called "Bite Sized Candy"(224 pages, paperback), which if purchased together save 21% the retail price.
"Opera Music", by H.I. Notes.
The complete beginner's guide to opera in textbook format. 674 pages, hardback.
"The Encyclopedia of Pool", by Bill Iards.
Iards puts a masterful new spin on the game associated with gentlemen, murders, con artists, back rooms, and seedy bars, shooting into the game's role on slang and literature, among other things. We chalk it up as a masterpiece. (Disclaimer: Some sections caused our staff to break down loudly.) 477 pages, hardback or paperback.
"Camp Memories", by Lottie Goodtimes.
Remembrances of tales of summer camp or church camps throughout the country. 197 pages, paperback.
"Snoopy: A Biography", by Bea Giles.
From his beginnings at the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm to coming to live with Charlie Brown and the Peanuts Gang, all the way to piloting the Metlife blimp and appearing in Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade; America's favorite beagle's life story is presented with personal insights from family and friends. 362 pages, hardback.
"Rugs and Carpets", by Walter Walls.
Walls covers all aspects of this topic of floor-drapery, including Middle Eastern history, the Industrial Revolution and today's modern business. 241 pages, hardback.
"Glory Be! Amen, Brother! and Other Religious Sayings", by Holly Lujah.
Why do older folks sometimes shout agreement during a sermon? How can "Bless your heart" mean such different things whether Grandma says it to someone she doesn't like or a good friend? These and other questions are answered in Holly Lujah's newest title. 143 pages, paperback.
"Early Videogames", by Mrs. Packman.
Pong. Galaga. Dig Dug. Donkey Kong. Space Invaders. Frogger. All classics of the industry that evoke pleasant memories and wistful yearnings for a world with less connections. Interspersed are interviews with gamers, in addition to the business decisions that formed the way we see video games today. 302 pages, hardback, paperback or Kindle edition.
"Safety Tips", by Justin Case.
This world's a dangerous place at times....maybe Mom was right about all those things you never listened to. 54 pages, paperback.
"Lions, Tigers and Bears", by O. Myers.
This charming picture book explains how a small cat learns not to be afraid of bigger animals, in announcing their ballgames. 41 pages, hardback.
"Quilts", by Blaine Keys.
A fascinating coffee-table book ideal for those winter nights during a storm when the power goes out. Examines patterns and how their names came to be; as well as the mechanical process and social connectivity of creating quilts. 314 pages, paperback.
"The Big Book of Basketball Stats", by R.E. Bounds.
Every conceivable hoops fact imaginable can be found in this book, as well as a great many inconceivable as well. What year did Abe Saperstein form the Harlem Globetrotters? How important was George Mikan's influence on professional basketball? How far-out was the ABA's original 3-point shot? Find those and many more sports-bar stumpers inside the pages of this book. 422 pages, hardback.
"Ajax vs. Comet" and "Clorox vs. Tide", both by Dee Tergents.
In these books on cleaning materials, the author examines the creation of artificial grime-removal solutions and the branding wars that resulted as marketing has become ever more important. 224 and 253 pages, respectively, both available in paperback or Kindle editions.
"Bad Singers Found Here", by Cole Showers.
Ever wonder what happens to all those American Idol contestants who fail miserably in auditions? Or what made them try out in the first place? Showers on these questions and more in his book which came about, incidentally, in the bathroom, while pondering why good(and delusional) ideas come when least expecting them. 226 pages, available in hardback, paperback, Kindle or audiobook versions.
"COWS!", by Bo Vine.
Everything is covered here, from mating to milking, heifers to Holsteins, castration to curing meat. Stanchions, slaughter, breeds and brands. Cattle drives through Texas and Wisconsin milk-producers. 347 pages, hardback or paperback.
"Town Drunks", by Otis Campbell.
The definitive word on the subject; examining the town drunk's role in small-town society and politics, as well as in popular music, movies and TV shows. 245 pages, hardback.
"The History of Church Clocks", by Father Tim E. Pieces.
Not many know of the interesting twists and turns of how their local church's clocks came to be. Here are laid clues for future sleuthing laid throughout as the author relates the accounts of six such clocks. 361 pages, hardback or paperback. His son Reese S. wrote a book called "Bite Sized Candy"(224 pages, paperback), which if purchased together save 21% the retail price.
"Opera Music", by H.I. Notes.
The complete beginner's guide to opera in textbook format. 674 pages, hardback.
"The Encyclopedia of Pool", by Bill Iards.
Iards puts a masterful new spin on the game associated with gentlemen, murders, con artists, back rooms, and seedy bars, shooting into the game's role on slang and literature, among other things. We chalk it up as a masterpiece. (Disclaimer: Some sections caused our staff to break down loudly.) 477 pages, hardback or paperback.
"Camp Memories", by Lottie Goodtimes.
Remembrances of tales of summer camp or church camps throughout the country. 197 pages, paperback.
"Snoopy: A Biography", by Bea Giles.
From his beginnings at the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm to coming to live with Charlie Brown and the Peanuts Gang, all the way to piloting the Metlife blimp and appearing in Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade; America's favorite beagle's life story is presented with personal insights from family and friends. 362 pages, hardback.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Backyard Kids - Baseball Rankings
Why, I'm not sure, but baseball's been on my mind recently. Which is strange, since I don't really care for it all that much. But anyway, I thought it'd be a good excuse to throw my version of ranking the players from the Backyard Baseball League out into the blogosphere. (It's an interesting subject, and you'd be amazed at how many people have done this. It's the kind of thing you Google-search when you're a college student and it's past midnight.)
If you are(or were) a coach of the Bombers, Fishes, Giants, Hornets, Socks, Rockets, Melonheads, Monsters or Wombats, (or the All-Stars, but they never really counted, I thought, because A: It sounds arrogant and pretentious to call your team "the All-Stars", and B: Their logo was terrible.) Anyway, whichever team you're gonna be the manager of, you're gonna need to have some players. And you're gonna need to know your players' names, isn't that right? That's right. (Yes, that is a "Who's on First?" reference.)
(By the way, since we're referencing different diamond-related items, here's a link to a equally fictional news story about what they're doing now.)
But, anyway, it's pretty simple: I'm going to rank, from least to greatest, all 30 players in the league. Stats given reflect Hitting, Running, Pitching and Fielding, in that order, they were assigned by Humongous Entertainment.
Level One - THE GRUMPY CAT-LEVEL "NO". -
30 - Jorge "Bonkers" Garcia (2-2-2-2) Date of birth 10/17
Ugh....where to start? He can't field anything cleanly(which is helpful when he's on the other team), and he's almost an automatic strikeout when he's at the plate(which, again, is quite useful). I've rarely seen him pitch, but I doubt he could do that very well, either. Jorge just isn't athletic. And he's a rich snob. And he WEARS A TIE. And he's constantly fussing about not wanting to get dirty.
29 - Maria "Pinky" Luna (3-3-1-3) dob 7/23
"Not too sweet, not too sour....just a little too, ah, pink." - Uncle Max, Sound of Music. That quote works perfectly for Maria. And she's just so annoyingly girly-girlish. It's almost sad how much malicious enjoyment I got from tossing Angela's fastballs and fireballs past that prim starched batter at the plate.
28 - Ronny "The Pest" Dobbs (3-2-3-2) dob 8/10
He is and always will be "The Pest". He cries at the drop of a hat, and at all other times is just extremely whiny. There are few experiences more embarrassing in the Backyard Sports Universe than allowing Ronny to get a hit off you.
27 - Sally "The Boss" Dobbs (2-3-2-3) dob 11/11
Just as insufferable as her little brother, but even worse, if that's possible, due to her unbearablebossiness. As Vinnie the Gooch said, "The Boss is kinda like a 40-year-old in a kid's body." One small area of praise: if needed, she could be a decent relief pitcher.
26 - Reese "Big Toe" Worthington (2-3-1-3) dob 5/25
Poor Reese....what happened to him when he grew up? His asthma was so bad it kept him from playing almost every sport(though he was a decent soccer player), and he was just kind of....weak. Not exactly a sissy, but....well, small and unathletic. And what kind of nickname is "Big Toe", anyway? Always wished someone cooler would have had a birthday this close to mine.
25 - Ernie "Funnybones" Steele (2-2-3-4) dob 4/21
Ugh....sure, he could hit line drives pretty decently, and was about a mile tall, so could snatch balls no kid should have been able to get to without a ladder or Moon Boots, but his personality was SO AGGRAVATING! And his jokes weren't at all funny, and that giggling cackle of a laugh...."shivers in indignation". No telling how many holes I put into his family's shed or balls launched into the neighbors' swimming pool at Steele Stadium.
Level Two - "They're All Right, I Guess."
24 - Marky "Cootie" Du Bois (3-1-3-3) dob 9/6
Too much of a farmer. I mean, overalls are fine, and so is going barefoot, but carrying around a frog constantly? Also, when we were allowed to play ball in the pasture at the Du Bois Diamond it always seemed like a cheap rip-off of Dirt Yards(probably my favorite field of all time). Always hoped he'd get Billy Jean to notice him, though.
23 - Lisa "Mad Dog" Crockett (2-3-3-2) dob 12/4
Baseball just isn't Lisa's sport. Set her up as a linebacker on the football field or goalie in soccer, or get her on the ice for some hockey, and she'll be a great asset for your team. But baseball isn't aggressive enough, which is why she plays sports in the first place. Also, she has trouble getting along with people, so that really doesn't help much either.
22 - Dmitri "Paste" Petrovich (3-3-1-2) dob 6/9
If it's football, I'll take Dmitri as a lineman/kicker for sure, but anything else? Forget it! His defense is okay, but he can't hit worth anything. And he's far too brilliant, it rubs people the wrong way. he did build Mr. Clanky with Kenny, though; so that's something.
21 - Dante "Stretch" Robinson (2-4-3-2) dob 3/3
"I see London, I see France/I see your underpants!" has to be among the most annoyingly memorable infield chatter/jeers ever. And he has an Afro. His bat was too small to justify picking him very often, but that just meant he'd make several amazing defensive plays a game which would frustrate me to no end. And his appetite....haven't ya ever heard of moderation, dude?
20 - Vicki "Swan" Kawaguchi (1-4-3-4) dob 11/5
I'd occasionally play Vicki if I needed some fielding help and it was a fast playing surface(for example, Tin Can Alley or Cement Gardens). But she just wasn't one of those people I enjoyed spending time with....something to do with the obsession over ballet, probably. And the tiny space covered by her swing.
19 - Amir "Sticks" Khan (3-2-3-2) dob 9/1
Another person, like Ronny, Vicki or Angela, suffering the Little Sibling Effect: You constantly judge them based on the accomplishments of their older siblings. Amir was fine, I guess, but just seemed like he was always trying too hard to copy Achmed and never quite could match him. Probably dropping his air-guitar-bat coming to the plate didn't help much there. Can't hit anything inside.
18 - Gretchen "Jabberjaw" Hasselhoff (2-3-3-1) dob 5/31
SHE. WON'T. STOP. TALKING. That's mainly why I disliked her, and was also disappointed that her birthday was so close to mine. But she was a decent player otherwise.
17 - Kimmy "Twinkle Toes" Eckman (3-1-2-2) dob 6/22
Kimmy and sports(especially soccer, but anything really) go together "like chocolate and peanut butter", as she likes to say. Not spectacular at anything, but a solid player who'll try her hardest to help the team win. And her backyard makes a great field. Often picked for ensuring good team chemistry.
Level Three - The Good, But...
16 - Tony "Vec" Delvecchio (3-2-2-3) dob 7/16
Sure, Tony's cocky and brash and overconfident, and he wouldn't be the easiest guy to hang out with, y'know? But listen, Slick; he's got one heck of an arm, which can come in mighty handy on those close plays late in the game. Set him in the outfield, especially at Playground Commons, and you'll do pretty well, kid.
15 - Billy Jean "Crazy Legs" Blackwood (3-2-2-2) dob 1/26
She's extremely tall, with city dreams of becoming a model and moving to "Pair-eese". But she's as country in attitude as they come, and easy to get along with, too. Not much help at the plate except for occasional line-drive singles, but she's usually good for advancing runners already on base. And she's a great first baseman, even though sometimes she has trouble catching the ball.
14 - Mikey "Nugget" Thomas (4-1-2-3) dob 10/19
He has a never-ending cold, is slower than the last week of school, has a pet rock and lives with his grandparents because his parents died (supposedly in a house fire). But he's a pretty good infielder at second or short, and can hit the ball a mile if he connects well.
13 - Kenny "K-Man" Kawaguchi (2-4-3-2) dob 10/20
"Don't let the wheelchair fool ya," Kenny will be the first to say. He can play pretty well; contact hitter, above-average on the mound, and good fielding. If it's a slow surface, though(say Dirt Yards or Sandy Flats), his (literal) wheels really don't work so well.
12 - Stephanie "Bubbles" Morgan (3-3-2-3) dob 8/15
Stephanie LOVES baseball, as she'll gladly tell you about if you give her half a second. It's her life. Her dad was a minor leaguer, and he taught her everything she knows; including Babe Ruth's batting stance. (It doesn't help much if sneaky pitchers know she can't touch anything outside...heheheh.) She's a natural shortstop, though she can really play almost anywhere in the infield.
11 - Luanne "Lulu" Lui (2-4-3-1) dob 1/27
The youngest of the Backyard Kids, she's also one of the fastest there is. Bunt or weak grounder, and then a flash of little girl and inseparable pink teddy bear around the basepaths. She can also pitch surprisingly well, if needed.
10, 9 - Ashley "Little Smokey" and Sidney "Little Smokey" Webber (2-3-3-2) dob 2/18
Nobody has figured out a way to tell the Webbers apart, so it's probably best to play them together. If tennis was an official Backyard sport, they'd be world-class. It's not, though....but that natural athleticism pays off well in any sort of competition. They work best when they're working together, but can do almost as well on different teams. Besides, how can you dislike them? (Other unofficial sports they'd be amazing at: Volleyball, Frisbee, and mini-golf.)
8 - Ricky "Fella" Johnson (2-3-3-2) dob 2/14
Ricky's quiet, doesn't talk much if he can help it. He prefers to let his play talk for him; he's nearly unhittable when pitching(those slowballs and hooks will get ya every time), and a pretty good fielder besides. Of course, his ambling pace combined with laid-back swing mean a for-sure out on offense.
Level Four - Topps
7 - Annie "Flipper" Frazier (3-3-1-3) dob 9/18
Okay, I never really understood her lack of competitive-ness, and she's kind of a hippie, but she would make a fantastic teammate. Contact hitter, great catcher and overall team-encourager.
6 - Achmed "Axeman" Khan (4-3-2-2) dob 7/11
This dude rocks. Like, seriously. Kind of amazing he hasn't gone deaf with those massive headphones he wears(so were those, like, Beats before Beats existed?), but as much as he's into music outside of the game, on a baseball diamond he's pretty great, too. Doubles and triples, good fielding, decent pitcher for short periods, even a handful of stolen bases are possible with this guy on your team. And he's a terrific outfielder. (And what's even farther out than that: He's the third-bestguy in the league.)
5 - Jocinda "MVP" Smith (4-2-2-4) dob 9/28
Jocinda is a great team leader; she'll get things done and her teammates will enjoy following her. That said, she's a very good athlete, but not the best. She's a good bet anywhere in the infield or outfield, though a little slow. Ground-rule double hitter, with a Kryptonite-level weakness of inability to hit pitches low and inside.
4 - Angela "Sugar Pop" Delvecchio (3-1-4-1) dob 12/20
What Annie lacks in competitive spirit; Angela more than makes up for on the mound. Batters dread facing her arsenal of speed-trap pitches, most notably her fastball, fireball and elevator ball. And at the plate, if she talk her bat into meeting that ball, they're gonna go places. Sure, she's a klutz, but it's pretty obvious where she should play, and her sarcasm and cockiness is a more-easily-accepted diluted version of Tony's. And man, if they play each other....
3 - Kiesha "Flash" Phillips (4-4-2-3) dob 4/2
Kiesha's a clown, it's hard not to like her. (Except her name is spelled weird.) But she can field, she can hit, and she can run.
2 - Pete "Wheelie" Wheeler (3-4-3-3) dob 10/13
Pete's a little spacey, for sure.(Catchphrase: "....What am I s'posed to do again?" Or his batter chatter: "Don't score a touchdown...") But if you can get him going in the right direction....good luck catching up. The fastest kid anybody in the Neighborhood has ever seen, he can catch okay and hit amazingly. (His power range goes from ordinary bunting to home-run-strength.) The tales of his exploits in games would be hard to catalogue. In fact, they may even surpass the top player...
1 - Pablo "The Secret Weapon" Sanchez (4-4-3-4) dob 8/18
Could it be anyone else? Almost unmastered in everything. ESPECIALLY baseball. I mean, he's even got his own field(Casa de Pablo)!
That top tier was hard to rank, cause everyone is so closely matched in skills. It could easily have had a different arrangement; but for now, this will do.
My typical team: The Super-Duper Wombats, wearing orange, or Red Rockets, or Green Hornets. Outfield: Pablo, Achmed and Jocinda. Infield: Some combination of Pete, Mikey, Stephanie, Luanne and Billy Jean. Pitcher: Angela or Ricky. Catcher: Annie.
I'd like to see a game with the Wombats facing the Rockets with the following players: Wombats - Angela, Pete, Kiesha, Kenny, Tony, Dante, Achmed, Ashley and Billy Jean. Rockets - Ricky, Pablo, Jocinda, Annie, Luanne, Stephanie, Sidney, Mikey and Kimmy. Play it at Cement Gardens...yeah, that'd be something to watch.
The Rankings of Power-Up Pitches(so not counting fastballs, slowballs, and left/right hooks):
7 - Crazyball. It was actually pretty easy to hit, and you could hear it coming.
6 - Corkscrew: Same, harder to control where the ball went, but it was also relatively easy to connect with this pitch. And almost nobody could throw it very well.
5 - Spitball: Disgusting, and tough to get a good hold on.
4 - Slo-Mo: Maddening. If you were really patient, though, you could get a nice hit off this one.
3 - Elevator Ball: Surprisingly hard to throw well, and it usually resulted in a pop fly if misjudged.
2 - Fireball: Angela and Achmed were about the only people who could control this one accurately, and it was near-impossible to hit(though it could be turned into a grounder on rare occasions).
1 - Big Freeze: The most unfair pitch ever devised. Absolutely unhittable. And almost as tough to throw.
If you've made it this far, you either don't have anything else to do or you really loved Backyard Baseball. Either way, thanks for reading!
If you are(or were) a coach of the Bombers, Fishes, Giants, Hornets, Socks, Rockets, Melonheads, Monsters or Wombats, (or the All-Stars, but they never really counted, I thought, because A: It sounds arrogant and pretentious to call your team "the All-Stars", and B: Their logo was terrible.) Anyway, whichever team you're gonna be the manager of, you're gonna need to have some players. And you're gonna need to know your players' names, isn't that right? That's right. (Yes, that is a "Who's on First?" reference.)
(By the way, since we're referencing different diamond-related items, here's a link to a equally fictional news story about what they're doing now.)
But, anyway, it's pretty simple: I'm going to rank, from least to greatest, all 30 players in the league. Stats given reflect Hitting, Running, Pitching and Fielding, in that order, they were assigned by Humongous Entertainment.
Level One - THE GRUMPY CAT-LEVEL "NO". -
30 - Jorge "Bonkers" Garcia (2-2-2-2) Date of birth 10/17
Ugh....where to start? He can't field anything cleanly(which is helpful when he's on the other team), and he's almost an automatic strikeout when he's at the plate(which, again, is quite useful). I've rarely seen him pitch, but I doubt he could do that very well, either. Jorge just isn't athletic. And he's a rich snob. And he WEARS A TIE. And he's constantly fussing about not wanting to get dirty.
29 - Maria "Pinky" Luna (3-3-1-3) dob 7/23
28 - Ronny "The Pest" Dobbs (3-2-3-2) dob 8/10
He is and always will be "The Pest". He cries at the drop of a hat, and at all other times is just extremely whiny. There are few experiences more embarrassing in the Backyard Sports Universe than allowing Ronny to get a hit off you.
27 - Sally "The Boss" Dobbs (2-3-2-3) dob 11/11
Just as insufferable as her little brother, but even worse, if that's possible, due to her unbearablebossiness. As Vinnie the Gooch said, "The Boss is kinda like a 40-year-old in a kid's body." One small area of praise: if needed, she could be a decent relief pitcher.
26 - Reese "Big Toe" Worthington (2-3-1-3) dob 5/25
Poor Reese....what happened to him when he grew up? His asthma was so bad it kept him from playing almost every sport(though he was a decent soccer player), and he was just kind of....weak. Not exactly a sissy, but....well, small and unathletic. And what kind of nickname is "Big Toe", anyway? Always wished someone cooler would have had a birthday this close to mine.
25 - Ernie "Funnybones" Steele (2-2-3-4) dob 4/21
Ugh....sure, he could hit line drives pretty decently, and was about a mile tall, so could snatch balls no kid should have been able to get to without a ladder or Moon Boots, but his personality was SO AGGRAVATING! And his jokes weren't at all funny, and that giggling cackle of a laugh...."shivers in indignation". No telling how many holes I put into his family's shed or balls launched into the neighbors' swimming pool at Steele Stadium.
Level Two - "They're All Right, I Guess."
24 - Marky "Cootie" Du Bois (3-1-3-3) dob 9/6
Too much of a farmer. I mean, overalls are fine, and so is going barefoot, but carrying around a frog constantly? Also, when we were allowed to play ball in the pasture at the Du Bois Diamond it always seemed like a cheap rip-off of Dirt Yards(probably my favorite field of all time). Always hoped he'd get Billy Jean to notice him, though.
23 - Lisa "Mad Dog" Crockett (2-3-3-2) dob 12/4
Baseball just isn't Lisa's sport. Set her up as a linebacker on the football field or goalie in soccer, or get her on the ice for some hockey, and she'll be a great asset for your team. But baseball isn't aggressive enough, which is why she plays sports in the first place. Also, she has trouble getting along with people, so that really doesn't help much either.
22 - Dmitri "Paste" Petrovich (3-3-1-2) dob 6/9
If it's football, I'll take Dmitri as a lineman/kicker for sure, but anything else? Forget it! His defense is okay, but he can't hit worth anything. And he's far too brilliant, it rubs people the wrong way. he did build Mr. Clanky with Kenny, though; so that's something.
21 - Dante "Stretch" Robinson (2-4-3-2) dob 3/3
"I see London, I see France/I see your underpants!" has to be among the most annoyingly memorable infield chatter/jeers ever. And he has an Afro. His bat was too small to justify picking him very often, but that just meant he'd make several amazing defensive plays a game which would frustrate me to no end. And his appetite....haven't ya ever heard of moderation, dude?
20 - Vicki "Swan" Kawaguchi (1-4-3-4) dob 11/5
I'd occasionally play Vicki if I needed some fielding help and it was a fast playing surface(for example, Tin Can Alley or Cement Gardens). But she just wasn't one of those people I enjoyed spending time with....something to do with the obsession over ballet, probably. And the tiny space covered by her swing.
19 - Amir "Sticks" Khan (3-2-3-2) dob 9/1
Another person, like Ronny, Vicki or Angela, suffering the Little Sibling Effect: You constantly judge them based on the accomplishments of their older siblings. Amir was fine, I guess, but just seemed like he was always trying too hard to copy Achmed and never quite could match him. Probably dropping his air-guitar-bat coming to the plate didn't help much there. Can't hit anything inside.
18 - Gretchen "Jabberjaw" Hasselhoff (2-3-3-1) dob 5/31
SHE. WON'T. STOP. TALKING. That's mainly why I disliked her, and was also disappointed that her birthday was so close to mine. But she was a decent player otherwise.
17 - Kimmy "Twinkle Toes" Eckman (3-1-2-2) dob 6/22
Kimmy and sports(especially soccer, but anything really) go together "like chocolate and peanut butter", as she likes to say. Not spectacular at anything, but a solid player who'll try her hardest to help the team win. And her backyard makes a great field. Often picked for ensuring good team chemistry.
Level Three - The Good, But...
16 - Tony "Vec" Delvecchio (3-2-2-3) dob 7/16
Sure, Tony's cocky and brash and overconfident, and he wouldn't be the easiest guy to hang out with, y'know? But listen, Slick; he's got one heck of an arm, which can come in mighty handy on those close plays late in the game. Set him in the outfield, especially at Playground Commons, and you'll do pretty well, kid.
15 - Billy Jean "Crazy Legs" Blackwood (3-2-2-2) dob 1/26
She's extremely tall, with city dreams of becoming a model and moving to "Pair-eese". But she's as country in attitude as they come, and easy to get along with, too. Not much help at the plate except for occasional line-drive singles, but she's usually good for advancing runners already on base. And she's a great first baseman, even though sometimes she has trouble catching the ball.
14 - Mikey "Nugget" Thomas (4-1-2-3) dob 10/19
He has a never-ending cold, is slower than the last week of school, has a pet rock and lives with his grandparents because his parents died (supposedly in a house fire). But he's a pretty good infielder at second or short, and can hit the ball a mile if he connects well.
13 - Kenny "K-Man" Kawaguchi (2-4-3-2) dob 10/20
"Don't let the wheelchair fool ya," Kenny will be the first to say. He can play pretty well; contact hitter, above-average on the mound, and good fielding. If it's a slow surface, though(say Dirt Yards or Sandy Flats), his (literal) wheels really don't work so well.
12 - Stephanie "Bubbles" Morgan (3-3-2-3) dob 8/15
Stephanie LOVES baseball, as she'll gladly tell you about if you give her half a second. It's her life. Her dad was a minor leaguer, and he taught her everything she knows; including Babe Ruth's batting stance. (It doesn't help much if sneaky pitchers know she can't touch anything outside...heheheh.) She's a natural shortstop, though she can really play almost anywhere in the infield.
11 - Luanne "Lulu" Lui (2-4-3-1) dob 1/27
The youngest of the Backyard Kids, she's also one of the fastest there is. Bunt or weak grounder, and then a flash of little girl and inseparable pink teddy bear around the basepaths. She can also pitch surprisingly well, if needed.
10, 9 - Ashley "Little Smokey" and Sidney "Little Smokey" Webber (2-3-3-2) dob 2/18
Nobody has figured out a way to tell the Webbers apart, so it's probably best to play them together. If tennis was an official Backyard sport, they'd be world-class. It's not, though....but that natural athleticism pays off well in any sort of competition. They work best when they're working together, but can do almost as well on different teams. Besides, how can you dislike them? (Other unofficial sports they'd be amazing at: Volleyball, Frisbee, and mini-golf.)
8 - Ricky "Fella" Johnson (2-3-3-2) dob 2/14
Ricky's quiet, doesn't talk much if he can help it. He prefers to let his play talk for him; he's nearly unhittable when pitching(those slowballs and hooks will get ya every time), and a pretty good fielder besides. Of course, his ambling pace combined with laid-back swing mean a for-sure out on offense.
Level Four - Topps
7 - Annie "Flipper" Frazier (3-3-1-3) dob 9/18
Okay, I never really understood her lack of competitive-ness, and she's kind of a hippie, but she would make a fantastic teammate. Contact hitter, great catcher and overall team-encourager.
6 - Achmed "Axeman" Khan (4-3-2-2) dob 7/11
This dude rocks. Like, seriously. Kind of amazing he hasn't gone deaf with those massive headphones he wears(so were those, like, Beats before Beats existed?), but as much as he's into music outside of the game, on a baseball diamond he's pretty great, too. Doubles and triples, good fielding, decent pitcher for short periods, even a handful of stolen bases are possible with this guy on your team. And he's a terrific outfielder. (And what's even farther out than that: He's the third-bestguy in the league.)
5 - Jocinda "MVP" Smith (4-2-2-4) dob 9/28
Jocinda is a great team leader; she'll get things done and her teammates will enjoy following her. That said, she's a very good athlete, but not the best. She's a good bet anywhere in the infield or outfield, though a little slow. Ground-rule double hitter, with a Kryptonite-level weakness of inability to hit pitches low and inside.
4 - Angela "Sugar Pop" Delvecchio (3-1-4-1) dob 12/20
What Annie lacks in competitive spirit; Angela more than makes up for on the mound. Batters dread facing her arsenal of speed-trap pitches, most notably her fastball, fireball and elevator ball. And at the plate, if she talk her bat into meeting that ball, they're gonna go places. Sure, she's a klutz, but it's pretty obvious where she should play, and her sarcasm and cockiness is a more-easily-accepted diluted version of Tony's. And man, if they play each other....
3 - Kiesha "Flash" Phillips (4-4-2-3) dob 4/2
Kiesha's a clown, it's hard not to like her. (Except her name is spelled weird.) But she can field, she can hit, and she can run.
2 - Pete "Wheelie" Wheeler (3-4-3-3) dob 10/13
Pete's a little spacey, for sure.(Catchphrase: "....What am I s'posed to do again?" Or his batter chatter: "Don't score a touchdown...") But if you can get him going in the right direction....good luck catching up. The fastest kid anybody in the Neighborhood has ever seen, he can catch okay and hit amazingly. (His power range goes from ordinary bunting to home-run-strength.) The tales of his exploits in games would be hard to catalogue. In fact, they may even surpass the top player...
1 - Pablo "The Secret Weapon" Sanchez (4-4-3-4) dob 8/18
Could it be anyone else? Almost unmastered in everything. ESPECIALLY baseball. I mean, he's even got his own field(Casa de Pablo)!
That top tier was hard to rank, cause everyone is so closely matched in skills. It could easily have had a different arrangement; but for now, this will do.
My typical team: The Super-Duper Wombats, wearing orange, or Red Rockets, or Green Hornets. Outfield: Pablo, Achmed and Jocinda. Infield: Some combination of Pete, Mikey, Stephanie, Luanne and Billy Jean. Pitcher: Angela or Ricky. Catcher: Annie.
I'd like to see a game with the Wombats facing the Rockets with the following players: Wombats - Angela, Pete, Kiesha, Kenny, Tony, Dante, Achmed, Ashley and Billy Jean. Rockets - Ricky, Pablo, Jocinda, Annie, Luanne, Stephanie, Sidney, Mikey and Kimmy. Play it at Cement Gardens...yeah, that'd be something to watch.
The Rankings of Power-Up Pitches(so not counting fastballs, slowballs, and left/right hooks):
7 - Crazyball. It was actually pretty easy to hit, and you could hear it coming.
6 - Corkscrew: Same, harder to control where the ball went, but it was also relatively easy to connect with this pitch. And almost nobody could throw it very well.
5 - Spitball: Disgusting, and tough to get a good hold on.
4 - Slo-Mo: Maddening. If you were really patient, though, you could get a nice hit off this one.
3 - Elevator Ball: Surprisingly hard to throw well, and it usually resulted in a pop fly if misjudged.
2 - Fireball: Angela and Achmed were about the only people who could control this one accurately, and it was near-impossible to hit(though it could be turned into a grounder on rare occasions).
1 - Big Freeze: The most unfair pitch ever devised. Absolutely unhittable. And almost as tough to throw.
If you've made it this far, you either don't have anything else to do or you really loved Backyard Baseball. Either way, thanks for reading!
Sunday, April 13, 2014
"The Voice of the Prairie"
This post is hyper-local and will age easily, but there were too many great quotes I got that I couldn't use for the video. So....well, I did what I usually do: Write.
The NSU Theater Company will be taking us back in time this week for their upcoming production, "The Voice of the Prairie", to be held Wednesday through Saturday at 7:30 p.m. at the NSU Playhouse.
The time is the early 1900's; there will be a war in Europe within twenty years, some boys from Ohio recently built a flying machine out on a North Carolina beach, and Henry Ford is jumping into the foolhardy venture of making horseless carriages. There also is a newfangled contraption called the "radio", invented by some Italian fella. Leon Schwab is a New York City DJ/radio salesman trying to drum up business in his Midwest region area. He finds a farmer in Nebraska named David Quinn with a gift for storytelling, and Schwab sets Quinn up on the airwaves as "The Voice of the Prairie", telling tales of his childhood.
A frequent character of these tales is a girl named Frankie, who is played by Susan Fenrich. "Even if I wasn't playing Frankie, I think she'd still be my favorite character. She's really feisty - and blind, too, that's an interesting thing about her - but she's a really strong character and really fun to play. No matter what goes on in her life she still has a really positive attitude, and that's what I thinking the most interesting thing about the play was."
Practices were begun in early March, and while the play typically uses only three actors, this production will have a larger cast of around or eight, and all props will be imaginary, according to Knickel Sloan, who plays Schwab.
A play would be impossible to put on without a crew to run lighting, build the set, and numerous other behind-the-scenes details the audience takes for granted. Drew Latta serves as stage manager, which he describes as basically "a glorified secretary". Some of his tasks include running rehearsals, overseeing sets onstage and props, keeping track of the cast and coordinating all the stagehands and technical crews.
One of those tech-crew members would be sound operator TJ Jorgensen, who is in charge of the special effects. As a theater major, she enjoys seeing life in the theater from all sides, both in the footlights or behind them. "I find knowing both the roles[cast and crew] helps me to better understand the full concept of being in theater."
Another aspect of the experience is sitting in the audience, which will require a bit more effort while watching this show than it might otherwise, as the set-pieces used will be very minimal, in addition to those invisible props. "It's a rather small set, we have different pieces just as natural transitions to signify that you're in a different place," said Latta. "It's very convenient, and it adds to the creativity, and it adds to the fun of it - you get to create your own set in your mind."
Jorgensen added that you have to really listen to understand, because as Latta said, it's more like reading a book than watching a movie.
As readers know, part of the draw of a really good story is that the characters seem like they would be interesting to hang out with. This would be the draw that pulled Jorgensen toward her major. "My favorite part has to be the people. Because anywhere else, if you were to ask how theater kids act, they would say we're weird, we're out there, we're...a little annoying at times, and very loud. Because we're so used to being on stage and projecting, when we go back into the real world we're very loud and outspoken, we don't really hold anything back."
This feel carries over to the characters in the current show as well; Fenrich stated that she was instantly drawn to the role of Frankie the first time she read the script. "You find that you can connect with the characters; they feel approachable, as it you can just reach out and talk with them," said Latta.
Fenrich agrees: "Honestly, I just really hope that the audience falls in love with the characters like we did, because in a way this play is just a simple little love story."
Tickets for this romantic comedy-drama will be $5 and doors will open at 7 p.m.
Tickets for this romantic comedy-drama will be $5 and doors will open at 7 p.m.
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