"Who am I? You sure you want to know? My story is not for the faint of heart..."
That's how the greatest trilogy in cinematic history(arguably, right up there with both sets of Star Wars movies, Back to the Future, and Toy Story, some people would most likely include Indiana Jones and Rocky to that list) opens.
This story, whose narrator warns us by those intriguing words, begins about forty years before, with a guy named Stan. He was one of those group of people who are born storytellers, and who work at it, too, so that they can improve their stories and engage and please their audience. The audience he worked to wanted tales about heroes(but who doesn't?). In particular, heroes that were teenagers. Stan was a writer in the comic-book industry, and the people buying Marvel comics had spoken. So he got together with a guy he worked with named Steve, and they bounced idea off one another until somebody thought of creating a superhero with the powers of a fly - To crawl up walls, mainly, and be able to move really fast. "A fly? That's...um..." "Kinda dumb?" "Yeeahh." "I guess you've sort of got a point...isn't really that sexy. But I like the idea." "Yeah, just NOT a fly. What about...." (Long list of insects and other creepy crawly things) "...a spider!" "Yeah!!! But what about the alter ego?" "Hmm..."
The character Stan Lee and Steve Ditka came up with that day was revolutionary to the world of superheroes, and the entertainment world at large: The tale of Peter Parker, a bright but nerdy high school student, skilled at science and physics, who was bitten by a radioactive spider, which injected some of its' DNA into his bloodstream, giving the teen arachnid-like abilities. That wasn't really the incredible part, though. What was, was the fact of who Peter was: A perfectly ordinary person, complete with anxieties and doubts, troubles with zits, girls, his aunt, and paying next month's rent.
He started out in entertainment, wrestling and TV stunts and such, until his Uncle Ben was killed by a car thief, which began his trajectory into the world's most well-loved superhero. Motivated by vengeance at first, to track down his uncle's killer, but gradually he came to understand something that he'd been told just before the accident, that "With great power, comes great responsibility. I want you to remember that, Pete."
Over time, throughout the comics(which I have never read), he went to college, got a work-study job in the science department at Empire State University and as a freelancing photographer for the The Daily Bugle newspaper, dealing with his cranky boss J. Jonah Jameson, always ranting against Spidey's protection; dating, first Gwen Stacy and then Mary Jane Watson, dealing with the aftermath of Gwen's death and his best friend Harry Osborn's drug addiction. And then the arsenal of supervillians that have come along over the years: the Green Goblin, the Lizard, Doc Ock, Sandman, Venom, the Rhino, Carnage, the Hobgoblin, many, many others...
Over nearly fifty years, with who knows how many people writing the stories, a lot of details don't really match up, or sometimes outright contradict each other, so it's hard to tell exactly how the story goes. But for most of us teens and twentysomethings now, we were lured into Spidey's web by the 2002 movie directed by Sam Raimi and starring Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst. I was twelve or thirteen when I saw it for the first time, and I loved it. Such a well-told story, Pete is so relateable(is that a word?), you know exactly what he's going through. That scene where Pete's taking the trash out, and he has that talk with MJ, we know exactly what that being afraid, yet hopeful for the future, is like. I mean, I ever put some of that scene into my graduation speech, that's how good it is. The nerdiness, it's perfect, like when he's trying to figure out how to use his webs, that quick little montage of fourteen different ways that don't shoot, with the sound effects and grunts and everything. One of the things that really made an impact om me was the scene in front of the library, when Uncle Ben delivers the "With great power comes great responsibility" line, before that, he says: "These are the years a man changes into what he's going to become for the rest of his life. Be careful who you change into." As a young teen, that really stuck, I've tried to heed that advice. The last scene, in the cemetery, was not written well, at all, way too over-dramatic and sappy. But we understand what's going on in his mind, the pain he's facing: "No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, the ones I love will always be the ones who pay." That's why he tells MJ that "I will always be there for you, I will always keep you safe. I will always...be your friend." "Only a friend?" "...That's all I have to give." It tears us apart inside, to hear that she loves him, to know that he's loved her since he was six, but yet he can't say it, can't act on it. But, really...isn't that part of really being a hero, really loving someone? To keep them safe and happy, out of danger and trouble as much as possible, even if it rips us apart to do that? Because it's better for them? And, in an odd way, even Norman Osborn knows that, telling Peter not to tell Harry about his past as the Green Goblin.
And then it continues two years later, both in the story's timeline and literally, with the second movie of the trilogy. Pete's just been fired from his pizza delivery job, JJJ is bashing Spidey every chance he gets, Aunt May is being evicted from her house, Harry won't hardly talk to him, and MJ just started tentatively making something out on Broadway and as a model...which means her face plastered up on billboards everywhere throughout the city. College isn't going all that well, not having that much time to study, things aren't looking very good. And Mary Jane has just gotten engaged to this hotshot astronaut, who just happens to be Jameson's son. That night Peter has dinner with Otto Octavious and his wife Rosie, they talk about poetry, how they met, about science, and the nuclear fission device the doctor is working on. Rosie asks if Pete has a girlfriend, he says "Um...I don't really know..." Doc kinda laughs at him, but isn't that how a lot of us guys feel sometimes? Then, of course, the reactor explodes, tearing everything apart, shredding Rosie by flying glass shards, and melting the inhibitor chip, which lets the tentacles take over and drives Doc Ock insane. Pete has a lot on his plate, he loses sight of what he's supposed to do, he even loses his powers there for a while. Aunt May reminds him, while packing for her move, that there's a little bit of a hero inside all of us, that sometimes we just need an extra-special hero to give us that spark of courage to go about our everyday lives. In the climatic fight at the end of the film, the reactor is proving too powerful, it has to be destroyed. Peter reminds Doctor Octavious that intelligence is a privilege, and should be treated as such, to use for good, and not for evil. "And...sometimes...we have to be steady, let our dreams go, in order to do what's right, even if it means giving up what we want most." Don't we need to be reminded of that? He realizes what the tentacles have done to him, blinded him into thinking he was serving the greater good, when really it was too powerful a creation, too destructive, too harmful. So he drowns the reactor, and in so doing also drowns himself. Kind of a parallel to what Christ did on the cross, not a perfect one, but the similarities can easily be drawn.
Two years after that in the storyline, and three years in reality, Peter and MJ are finally together, Harry's figured out that Pete is Spider-Man, and everyone loves him while MJ's career is falling apart. Vanity can get to you, and for him, it does. He becomes a jerk, basically, angering Mary Jane by never taking the time to actually listen to what her problems are, always leaping ahead to Spider-Man this, Spidey that. And the fact that Harry discovered his father's stash of Oscorp goodies at the end of the second movie just sets up perfectly. So now not only does Harry have the malice behind him to crush that little bug, he now has the tools, too. During a long, bewildering fight as Pete's on his way to ask Mary Jane to marry him, Harry is tripped and knocked unconscious, getting amnesia, and the last thing he remember's the three of them are all still starting college, and none of these webs and criss-crosses that happened, they're all still friends. That throws a new wrinkle in things, proves to be a pretty big storyline. And this escaped convict, Flint Marko, he gets loose, to see his daughter Penny, stricken with cancer. He didn't have the money or anything to pay for treatment, so he tried to raise some cash the fastest way he could find: By holding up some people. That didn't go as planned, and he inadvertly shot Uncle Ben. He was later arrested, and in his escape from the police, crossed into a particle reactor test, becoming...well, sand. With rage at that, at his inablilty to help his daughter, his anger at Spider-Man, and generally the world, he goes on a rampage. Also, there's this otherworldly symbiote that attaches itself to Peter, bringing up his levels of aggression and confidence, he realizes eventually it's turned him into something he's not, in a fierce struggle on a Catholic church roof, he separates himself from the symbiote, which then bonds with a recently fired Daily Bugle photographer named Eddie Brock, who hates Parker for exposing the fact that he cheated, he becomes Venom. (Wow...these plots are crazy to explain. Of course, I've never been good at summarizing books or movies, I study them too in-depth, but still...Trust me: they make sense when you watch them!! Wonderful movies.) Anyway, before proposing to MJ, he talks with Aunt May about it. She gives him some good advice about how to treat your wife, how that a man has to put the woman he wants before himself, and his wants and desires. That you should take your time, plan carefully, not rush into something as big as that.
Well, over time, Harry regains his memory, remembers his vow to kill Spider-Man, there's a mini-fight there. Peter pleads with his best friend, that Mary Jane's in trouble. They need to put aside their differences and work together to save her. During that ultimate fight, Venom and Sandman have teamed up to eradicate Spider-Man, Harry(as the New Goblin) comes to his aid just when he needs it most. During the course of the battle, Eddie is separated from the symbiote, Pete's telling him that "I know what it does to you, what it feels like. It isn't safe, it's dangerous." One of Harry's pumpkin bombs blows it up, but not before Eddie leaps desperately back towards the symbiote, not willing to give up his newfound power, and thus dying in the process. Harry was mortally wounded, but working together they manage to save Mary Jane and thwart Venom, Eddie dies in the explosion, daylight comes, and Harry lies there dying, with MJ and Pete beside him, with nothing they can do.
Flint Marko states quietly, gesturing at the destruction and debris, "I didn't want this, but I had no choice." "We always have a choice. You had a choice when you killed my uncle." "My daughter was dying, I needed money. I was scared...I told your uncle all I wanted was the car, he said to me..'Why don't you just put the gun down, and go home?' I know now he was just tryin' to help me. Then I saw my partner running over with the cash...and the gun was in my hand. Did a terrible thing to you, I spent a lot of nights wishin' I could take it back. Not asking you to forgive me, I just want you to understand." Peter swallows. "I've done terrible things, too." "I didn't choose to be this...the only thing left to me now, is my daughter." Peter stares at him, dealing with some long-held emotion. "I forgive you." Marko nods, then floats away, leaving Peter to go back to Harry.
"I'm sorry I hurt you, said those things..." "None of that matters, Peter. I'm your friend." He nods, "Best friend." he whispers. And then...he's gone, leaving a gaping hole in both his best friend's lives. As the credits start to come in, this is Peter's final monolgue: "Whatever comes out way, whatever battle we have raging inside us, we'll always have a choice. My friend Harry taught me that. He chose to be the best in himself...it's our choices that make us who we are, and we can always choose to do what's right."
I've made the movies sound like they're just one big love story, which in a way, they are...but they're so much more than that. All the action(they are action movies, after all), can't really be described all that well. And they definitely have elements of comedy, too; all the pathos of how perfectly awful things in Peter's life are going, the witticisms and barbs thrown back and forth during battles, Mr Dinkovich the landlord and his daughter Ursula. They're all well-edited, the way it cuts quickly, leaves you spinning for a second with an unexpected cut, implying action so well. And they way all three movies tie together so well, the little things you don't notice until you've come to know the characters, what they're going through, what each inside joke or uncomfortable pause means.
And they're so...inspiring, somehow. They make you think, they make you laugh, they make you cry, they're good pictures, to paraphrase Pulitzer Prize-winning photographer Edsel Adams. You want to strive to be more heroic, to fulfill your little mundane everyday tasks well, even the ones that people don't really notice if they're done or not. That's what Spidey's whole job is, most of the time; and compared to him, what do we have to complain about? Sure, our problems are numerous and ever-expanding, it seems like, but we don't have supervillians on our tail, besides all that. We might be having trouble talking with a friend or something, but he's not scheming to kill us. Our personal problems and relationships might be chaotic, but not anywhere near as messy as what Pete, MJ and Harry are going through. When life gets tough and God throws a new disaster into our lives to grow us, well, hang on and fight through it, we'll get whatever help we need at exactly the right time(By the way, witty comebacks towards the direction of the problem don't hurt, either). The advice given and wisdom shared that we get to understand, is invaluable. These are just some of the reasons why I love these movies, and why the web-slinger is my favorite superhero.
(Postscript, occurring five years after the conclusion of the trilogy.)
They had planed on making a third sequel, a fourth movie, to come out in 2010, but somewhere along in production, that plan fell through. With Sony having to use the character within a certain amount of time to avoid having the rights return to Marvel penalty-free, they had to whip something up in a hurry. Meanwhile, all of us fans were curious to see when the wall-crawler would return, and what story would be spun around him this time. We weren't exactly expecting the one we got. It was completely recast, with a new director and everything, a total reboot of the franchise, which took two years more than anticipated to hit the big screen.
Anyway, with heading off to college soon and everything, I needed a change to get myself ready for whatever is thrown my way here in a couple weeks. I was kind of stuck in a rut, doing the same type of things day after day, etc. So I think about what might be labeled an adventure, what was totally out of the ordinary, but still realistically feasible. What I came up with was going to a movie, specifically, The Amazing Spider-Man. Adventure picked. Now who to go with...so I asked around, Sam loved the idea, and it's been forever since we hung out, Josh wanted to come, too. From there it was more like a construction project to plan, once we got when to see it down, then there was the "I wanna come! No, wait, I can't...No, I'll be there!"s to deal with, and then the where-are-we-going-to-see-this problem, which was quite interesting to solve. And, of course, the transportation tangle of getting from the church to the theater and back home. But, anyway, Sam and I got all those details figured out, and we set out after church last Sunday to go see the movie. There was me, Sam, and Marie(the Seniors); Josh and Suzanna; my sister Courtney; writing buddy Cassie; Bennett, the oh-so-fun-to-tease; Katie and Lilya. Lunch had its...interesting moments, which won't be revealed on here, but caused frowns, groans, and hysterical laughter(but then, it's most of our youth group, that 's kinda to be expected, haha). We made a wrong turn coming out of the mall, ended up walking around the whole entire place like it's Jericho or something, til we finally get on the right track, and then it's a race against time to get to the theater before the show starts.
We make it - barely - endure the waiting-for-those-ordering-popcorn, find our seats as the previews are starting. They went for twenty solid minutes!!! Once the movie got rolling...you could feel the difference right from the title opening. It had a slow, meandering pace, interspersed with authentic-looking violence, and the camera didn't cut away, it just showed everything. The actors playing Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy(some British dude named Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone) seemed way too old for their roles, there was a lot of mumbling. It took some getting used to, Aunt May and Uncle Ben were much younger, he was killed in a different way, and the spider bite was much different. We knew that coming in, but it's hard to tie together with all the memories of the trilogy, to reconcile those contradictions and stuff that I mentioned earlier. Peter rides a skateboard? And his hair was too cool-looking to be a nerd, that was distracting. The writing felt like it was patched together in a hurry(it no doubt was), but then do you have to over-act it, too? The only character I believed was Curt Connors, everyone else seemed too forced.
The plot: Peter's parents disappear when he's four years old, leaving him with Uncle Ben and Aunt May, who raise him. He grow into kind of a jerk, really; when the basement floods, he finds a briefcase that had belonged to his dad while saving stuff from water damage, and looks into it. He finds...well, not much. A few scraps of things his father used in his work, a lead in the form of an old newspaper clipping. So begins Peter's quest to find out what exactly happened to his parents. He accidentally gets bitten by a radioactive spider and unintentionally turns Dr Connors into the Lizard, and only reluctantly goes into the superoing business, after numerous vigilante attacks on muggers who might have killed his uncle. It's a more subtle film, I guess you could say, than the others, supposedly more in line with the way he got started in the comics. Jonah's always railing against this masked menace called Spider-Man, well, maybe he has a point. There was still some entertaining moments, Stan Lee's cameo was the best yet, the way he yanks the keys off his laptop while researching spider bites, that sort of thing, which was interesting. And a few good one-liners, like when he comes to Gwen's apartment for dinner one night, knocking on her window. "How'd you get up here?" "Fire escape. You have a very intimidating doorman." The little things like bringing Aunt May a carton of eggs after a long night out, or wolfing down her meatloaf. "Something's wrong, Ben..." "I'll say....nobody likes your meatloaf." "....They don't? Why didn't you tell me that thirty-seven years ago? Do you know how many times I've made that?" The scene where Peter asks Gwen out was good, seemed like it could happen easily. (There were about twenty people in the theater, counting our ten. I probably heard fifteen laugh out loud there.) It was interesting. Didn't have much of a plot, and what there was was tangled up in a cobweb, but since this is the beginning of a new trilogy, holds some promise. Compared to the trilogy, it was far inferior, compared to the story of the first movie, it's lacking, but I think as a movie, it might be about equal. I'll definitely need to see it again. It's another side of Spidey, one that's darker, but that needs to be examined, in order to better understand who he is.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Graduation Day
In the middle of all those last-minute high-school things that needed to be finished senior year, I scratched out a rewrite appropriate for the occasion to the tune of Martina McBride's "Independence Day".
Verse One -
Well, it was just another mundane morn
Thought she felt a little worried and sad
She tried to pretend it wasn't happening
He looked quite a bit like his dad
I was eighteen years old that summer
With no idea to where my future lay
So I took myself down to the church in town
On graduation day...
Verse Two -
Well, word gets around in a small, small town
They said I was a handsome young man
My mama was proud and she stood her ground
Though she knew it was the start of the end
Some folks whispered, some folks talked
But not a dry eye stayed that way
Near one about, they were all turned out
On graduation day...
Chorus -
Let freedom ring
Let reality sting
Let the whole world know that today is a day of memories
Let the weak be strong
Let the fear be gone
Throw that hat away, let the band play
It's graduation day....
Verse Three -
They lit up the sky like the Fourth of July
Marveling at how we'd grown
They watched the slideshow, saying "Do you know,
Can you believe how fast the time has flown?"
Now I ain't saying it's right or it's wrong
But it's bound to happen someday
Part of our evolution
Is graduation day...
Chorus x2
Verse One -
Well, it was just another mundane morn
Thought she felt a little worried and sad
She tried to pretend it wasn't happening
He looked quite a bit like his dad
I was eighteen years old that summer
With no idea to where my future lay
So I took myself down to the church in town
On graduation day...
Verse Two -
Well, word gets around in a small, small town
They said I was a handsome young man
My mama was proud and she stood her ground
Though she knew it was the start of the end
Some folks whispered, some folks talked
But not a dry eye stayed that way
Near one about, they were all turned out
On graduation day...
Chorus -
Let freedom ring
Let reality sting
Let the whole world know that today is a day of memories
Let the weak be strong
Let the fear be gone
Throw that hat away, let the band play
It's graduation day....
Verse Three -
They lit up the sky like the Fourth of July
Marveling at how we'd grown
They watched the slideshow, saying "Do you know,
Can you believe how fast the time has flown?"
Now I ain't saying it's right or it's wrong
But it's bound to happen someday
Part of our evolution
Is graduation day...
Chorus x2
Friday, December 16, 2011
Eye of the Reindeer
When my sister Courtney and I play ping pong, it gets intense. A Christmastime game led to this parody of "Eye Of The Tiger" being created
(Intro, bells for two measures, then the electric guitar jumps in.)
Verse One -
Risin' up, back to the sky
It's my team, on the team
Went the distance, now I'm back on my hooves
Just a buck, living out his dream...
Verse Two -
So many times, it happens so fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of your past
You must fight just to keep that joy alive...
Chorus One -
It's the eye of the reindeer, it's the thrill of the flight
Risin' up to the challenge of the elves
There's that one set of presents that needs to get out tonight
And he's watching us all with the eye of the reindeer...
.
Verse Three -
Face-to-face, out in the cold
Hangin' tough, flyin' hungry
They stack the odds, still we take to the sky
For the thrill of the squeals of delight...
(Chorus)
Verse Four -
Risin' up, straight tot the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna quit
Just a buck and his will to please kids....
Chorus Two -
It's the eye of the reindeer, it's the thrill of the flight
Risin' up to the challenge of the elves
There's that last set of the presents that needs to get out tonight
Santa's watching us all with the eye of the reindeer....
The eye of the reindeer...
The eye of the reindeer...
The eye of the reindeer...
The eye of the reindeer....
(Intro, bells for two measures, then the electric guitar jumps in.)
Verse One -
Risin' up, back to the sky
It's my team, on the team
Went the distance, now I'm back on my hooves
Just a buck, living out his dream...
Verse Two -
So many times, it happens so fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of your past
You must fight just to keep that joy alive...
Chorus One -
It's the eye of the reindeer, it's the thrill of the flight
Risin' up to the challenge of the elves
There's that one set of presents that needs to get out tonight
And he's watching us all with the eye of the reindeer...
.
Verse Three -
Face-to-face, out in the cold
Hangin' tough, flyin' hungry
They stack the odds, still we take to the sky
For the thrill of the squeals of delight...
(Chorus)
Verse Four -
Risin' up, straight tot the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna quit
Just a buck and his will to please kids....
Chorus Two -
It's the eye of the reindeer, it's the thrill of the flight
Risin' up to the challenge of the elves
There's that last set of the presents that needs to get out tonight
Santa's watching us all with the eye of the reindeer....
The eye of the reindeer...
The eye of the reindeer...
The eye of the reindeer...
The eye of the reindeer....
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Horsin' Around - Part Two
Part two of this story.
Tussle was looking for somebody to
talk to. She found Slinger in the corral behind the barn.
“Hey Sling, what’s up?”
“Nothin’ much, what’s up with you?”
he returned the greeting. “Somethin’s on your mind, what is it?”
Tussle frowned. “How do you do that?”
He switched a fly away. “You’ve got
a certain look.”
“Oh. What’d you think about
Cyclone?” Tussle launched into her lead-in question.
“Huh?” He knew what she was driving
at, but wanted to make sure.
“Well, doesn’t it seem like she
likes messing with me and Misty? Like, humiliate us or something. And that deal
with Rex, what'd you think of that, kind of weird, right?”
“Well,” he started. “I’m not sure.
Seems to me like she’s just trying to fit in, find her place here. It’s hard
when you get inserted into a new herd, and have to readjust your position and
everything. And she hasn’t exactly had too much help in breaking in, ya know.”
Patriot entered the doorway, facing
Sling.
“With Rex…no, I don’t think that’s
weird. Seems like a bad idea, but perfectly normal. I also think you might be
just the tiniest bit jealous.” continued Gunslinger.
“What - ! I am not!”
“You’re talking about my sister.”
Tussle spun around.
“Uh…well….yeah.” she admitted, ner nerves too jangled to come up with an alibi.
“Cy’s just trying to fit in. She’s
lonely.”
“Yeah?” This was a new idea.
Patriot looked at Gunslinger,
questioning. He nodded.
“Yeah. Well, ya see, we’re part
paint, part quarter horses, broke to herd cattle. We were both pretty good at
it. But Cy…she loved something else. Can’t all be workaholics, I guess. She
fell head over hooves for racing. I kind of did, too, but not as much, mostly
just along for the ride. She was pretty good, best racer of all our girl’s friends’
horses, even won some real races. And she was likable, and sort of pretty, I
guess. Hard to tell when it’s your twin you’ve seen every day of your life.
Anyway, she was popular, had lots of friends. But then one day – one day she
was on her way into the barn, and somehow the door swung shut, trapping her
tail. The vet had to amputate it. She got a fake tail, but…it’s like the people
who seems the happiest are those hurting the most. She’s always been kind of
sensitive, kind of….fell into a depression, I think the people call it. Didn’t help that some of the fillies she knew
laughed at her prosthetic, or that Emily had to be doing something called
studying constantly.
“She felt like someone had placed
her inside the body of some filly named Cyclone; she’d known the other horses,
cows and stuff, but now it was like a different world. And nobody knew, cause
they just saw the same Cyclone as ever, she felt like an outsider, watching her
life go by without actually living it. Emily went somewhere called college, and
if we got ridden at all, it was to work. It wasn’t challenging anymore, all the
fun seemed drained out of it. We were finally sold to a horse trader, and after
about three weeks we came here. You’re Tussle, right?” he broke off abruptly.
She nodded.
“Thought so. You and Misty’ve been
acting like we have some kind of disease or something, West Nile.”
“We have? Um, well…yeah.” she ended
lamely. “Yeah, we have.”
“She’s been through a lot. We both
have, really. Hope you feel proud of yourself.”
“Well, I gotta go, Tussle,”
Gunslinger excused himself, going with Patriot to scare turtles down by the
fishing pond. They walked off.
Racing…thought Tussle. Racing.
Yeah….it might work… “Guys! Wait up! I have an idea!”
They strolled over. “A good one?”
Patriot jabbed dryly, impatient to get going.
“Shut up. Okay, here’s what I was
thinking…”
…
“You want to do WHAT?!” Misty
exploded. Tussle quickly sketched out Cyclone’s story as best she could. “Hmm…I
don’t like it…” grumbled Misty. “Please?” Tussle begged. It was that tone she
used, that just has to be agreed with. Quiet, urgent, serious. Misty sighed. “I
guess we could try it…”
…
Meanwhile, Patriot was having an
equally hard time convincing Cyclone to race, although he was trying a
different angle. “It’s called the Rusty Barn Derby, it’s held every – three
months, I think,’ he improvised rapidly. “It’d be fun, why don’t you enter?”
His sister’s eyes had an empty look
to them, where you’ve let out all the tears that you have. If horses wore
makeup, they’d need some dark eyeshadow. “I don’t feel like it anymore.”
“Cause of your tail?”
She whirled around, eyes laid back.
“Yes, because of my stupid tail! And, and – Well, I don’t know anybody, and
they despise me, and I’m just – Scared!” she sobbed.
Patriot just looked at her. “Just
think about it, all right?”
Cyclone rolled her eyes and gave a
non-committal snort.
“I’m trying to help you here.” He
walked over under a tree to take a nap. “Move it, Ferdinand, will you? Thanks,
dude.” As an afterthought, he added, “Rex is sort of hoping you’ll enter.”
Her ears pricked up. “…Really?”
“…But I don’t know why he’d want
that or anything. Probably just invited us to be polite. I mean, it’s not like
we’ll win or anything. We aren’t fast enough.”
A dirt clod lifted itself out of
the ground, helped by Cyclone’s hoof. “Did you just use that word about me?”
“Which word?” he asked
unconcernedly, used to her frequent mood changes.
“The S-word.”
“Not that I know of,” he replied
innocently.
“Are you calling me ‘slow’?” she
asked, right up in his face.
“It got your attention, didn’t it?”
She shook her head. “You know me
too well, bro. What’s the track?”
“Not sure…I think it’s starting at
the blackberry bushes, turn at the fishing pond and ends at the south field gate.”
She smiled. “All right. I’m in.”
Luckily for Patriot, there had been a Rusty Barn Derby before,
although nobody could remember exactly how many editions had taken place. Rex
and Tussle estimated between nine and seventeen.
All nine horses gathered around by
the bushes Puppy Cat sat off to the side on Penelope’s back, waiting for the
seven racers to get set. “Ready….set….go!” she meowed.
Cyclone, Gunslinger, Misty, Tussle
and Patriot all burst out of the starting line, bunched up together in a tight
pack. Tanner cantered along, content to finish the race, and Rex, who had
gotten sidetracked watching Cyclone and missed Puppy Cat’s command, hurriedly
barreled to a gallop, hoping to at least pass Tanner. Penelope and Milky Way
ambled along, observing the scene.
“’Lord, what fools these mortals
be!’” Penelope quoted Puck’s line from A
Midsummer Night’s Dream, watching Rex sail by. “It makes a good show for us
old girls to watch,” Milky Way reminded. “It does, yes.” Puppy Cat yawned. “You
guys still aren’t cats, so why try to be?”
The lead pack had just passed the
pond, trampling flat the hay stalks that were trying to grow. Cyclone led by a head,
Tussle in second, Gunslinger in third at Cyclone’s left flank, Patriot a
half-length behind in fourth, Misty about a quarter of a length behind him.
Slinger slowed to a trot. “Ow…side stitch.” Patriot grinned.
Stay with Patriot, and you’ll have
a chance…Misty told herself as they gained on the two leaders, who were
scowling at each other from time to time. This is insane! How can she keep this
up? Tussle wondered as they tore toward the finish line fence. They’re
weakening, Cyclone’s competitive sense told her. All systems go. To Tussle’s
dismay and Misty’s amazement, she actually increased
her pace, her mane streaming and black-and-white tail flapping in her
self-made breeze as she rocketed toward the target. “My turn, sis.” Patriot
closed the gap to a reasonable distance by the end, a gasping Tussle and Misty
eight lengths behind them.
“How’d they do that?” Tussle
panted.
“Practice!” Patriot laughed, only
breathing a little harder than normal.
“Can you teach us how to race like
that?” Misty asked shyly.
“Sure, I can do that. When d’you
wanna start?
“When would be a good time for you?”
“When would be a good time for you?”
“Why not now? C’mon, Tussle,”
Cyclone smiled. The three of them trotted off to practice. “Congrats,” Slinger
said. “It worked,” Patriot sighed, with the relieved grin of someone who wasn’t
sure whether a risky plan would turn out.
Cyclone was entered into the race
at the fair, winning it after overcoming a bad start and then pulling away. She
not only won that; but the suspicious glances and tension gradually disappeared
as the old enemies became friends.
One spring day, later in the
future, Cy gave birth to twins, named Pistol and Pete, another Cowboy entered
the world with Tussle’s help, and Misty’s new foal blinked up at the big new
world.
“Kinda wobbly, aren’t they?” asked
Patriot, eyes dancing.
“Dirty, too,” replied Misty,
licking Aggie all over.
“The Filly Gang rides again!”
Penelope exclaimed, sending the assembled crowd in the waiting room of the barn
into sheets of laughter.
“I wonder if they’ll set the barn
on fire,” Milky Way teased.
“That wasn’t my fault!” Tussle
complained from her stall.
“They might let the cows out,”
grinned Tanner. Cyclone glared at her.
“Or maybe they’ll pour water on
somebody who’s taking a nap, eh, Penelope?” Rex lobbed his way into the
conversation.
“Sorry, Mom…” Misty muttered.
“They’re kind of like double
twins…’ mused Gunslinger.
“Quadruplets, you mean?”
He nodded.
“Not really….just born on the same
day, all of ‘em.” Milky Way pointed out.
“Yeah, that’s what I meant.”
“Look out world, here comes the
Quad Squad!” Tanner hollered, throwing the place into hysterics again.
‘That. Is. Awesome.” Patriot choked
out when he could finally regained some of his breath. “We’re gonna have to use
that.”
The Quad Squad grew, and they,
being rambunctious, fun-lovign adolescents, cause quite a few frustrations and
headaches with their mischief, much like their mothers’ antics before them. It
made for a lot of interesting Critter Stories that Linda would jot down to tell
the boy. Like the time they decided to mess with the truck, for example.
Linda was busy shoting water moccasins down at
the pond, and the fishing truck was istting there on the bank, waiting
patiently.
“I’ve got a GREAT idea!” Cowboy
said gleefully. “What?” “I wanna hear!” He told the others. “Awesome.” Aggie
grinned. “Sounds good to me!” Pistol agreed. “I don’t know…” Pete hesitated. He
usually acted as the group’s conscience, and as he was smaller than the others,
he was actually cautious when it came to hijinks and mischief. He was usually
ignored.
“It’ll be fun,” Aggie protested.
“Well, okay….”
The four of them meandered over to
get a drink of water, then they shoved against the tailgate, rolling the pickup
into the mud, where it soon stuck. And besides, Linda was marching towards them
yelling things that sounded unpleasant. “I think we’re in trouble.” said
Pistol.
They were.
“…So, since you’ve shown that you
can’t be trusted to act responsibly…” Cyclone
wrapped up their lecture, trying hard not to look at Misty and Tussle, who were
cracking up. “She used that word,” Pete whispered. Cowboy rolled his eyes.
“Told you.” “Shut up.” “…You’ll have to stay by us for a few days.” Cyclone
finished. “Aww!” Pistol muttered. “I knew that wasn’t a good idea…” said Pete.
“I’ll say,” Aggie agreed gloomily. The mares went off to discuss grown-up
topics, like punishment, or schooling methods, or something equally boring.
“Wouldn’t that have been FUN?” whispered
Tussle, eyes gleaming. “I wish we didn’t have to grow up,” Cyclone said
wistfully.
Eight years went by.
Linda and Floyd both passed away,
Betty rarely came to the farm any longer, except to feed the remnant of the
feline tribe that still hung on. There were only four or five left.
No dog ran through the fields, and
the pastures were being steadily overgrown by thistles. The truck just sat
there in the driveway, no one drove it any more.
Cows no longer drank form the pond;
there weren’t any cows left.
Somebody painted the barn white to
cover up the rust stains, it looked awful.
The garden was bare of any growing
vegetables or fruit in the trees, the weeds were waist-high.
And Misty was the only horse left.
The others had died, or were sold at the sale barn, or given away to
horse-crazed 4H kids.
Everything was in disrepair,
threatening to fall apart any second. A state of gloom asd sadness hung over
the entire farm. Brush piles were arranged in crazy collections from where the
ice storms had left them, the fences were in indescribably bad shape.
But memories still were in good
condition, and Misty often spent the days recalling the good times she’d had
there. The boy did, too.
And that made it okay. Not perfect,
by any means, but it was a little easier.
They were sad, but okay.
Horsin' Around - Part One
These horses were always running around in the back pastures of my mind; they came to life when I was about eleven, and several drafts of this story later this story came to be. This is the first part.
Once upon a
time, near a town called Westville, there lived a small herd of horses. They
stayed in the pasture during good weather, and in a sheet-metal barn with rusty
places in it when it rained. They lived on a farm inhabited by stupid cows, a
bad-tempered dog, blackberry bushes, broken-down tractors, a large community of
white and calico cats, and three nice people.
Sometimes a
lady people would come and visit for a few days, or other times another lady
people would visit for a few days, and bring a little boy people with her. The
little boy would ride the horses or fish, or read books and play something
where he tried to put a ball into a round thing attached to a tree. Since the
people seemed to enjoy these visits, the horses did, too, and these times were
pleasant ones. They enjoyed living where they did, on the farm.
After turning onto Morris Road off
Highway 62, you drove by the auto body shop and past Jerry Carter’s chicken
farm about half a mile, where you’d see the driveway on the right, bordered by
persimmon trees. It was a slightly curved gravel driveway, but it somehow gave
the impression of being straight. On the right, you’d see a small white and
pink house where the man and the older lady lived(their names were Floyd and
Betty). Otie, who lived in the backyard, was his usual irritable self, there
was also an empty fifth-wheel trailer he shared the yard with, and a porch
swing. Just outside the gate, you’d find the burn barrel, a patch of waist-high
wild onions, the little house where Betty kept the things she’d found over the
years, and the shop, generally inhabited by two or three lounging felines.
On the left, you’d see a brown and
yellow singlewide trailer, which is where the younger lady(her name was Linda,
she was Floyd and Betty’s daughter) stayed when she wasn’t working at the library.
Just behind that was the garden, where corn, onions, lettuce and cucumbers
grew, shaded by the apple and peach trees along one side. Farther along, past
the two working tractors and five parts tractors sitting around, and past the
fishing car, a 1982 Chevy used to drive down to the pond, you would come to the
barn.
It was impressive, in all its large
width and height, coated in bluish-gray armor streaked with orange-red; it
contained stalls, a floor coated with hay, there was the saddle room, and the
loft, full of no telling what all interesting surprises. A corral of
weather-beaten old boards enclosed the back end, which led you to the field
gate, where the first thing of the 160 acres you’d notice(besides the cows, cow
pies and trees) would be a trail well worn by truck tires, which if followed
would take you to the blackberry bushes and the good fishing pond.
This front pond was full of
catfish, and on the banks were good skipping rocks and sticker bushes. There
were also snapping turtles and water moccasins in the muddy water, which Linda
shot with her .22 every chance she got.
This was the world the horses knew;
now to describe them. Penelope was a middle-aged palomino known for her gentle
ways; Milky Way, who had a natural gift for telling stories; her sire was Moby,
the most legendary non-human resident that ever lived on the farm. Rex was a
crazy one, but he had his good points as well. He was loyal, and he’d try to
help his friends out if he could and any of them found themselves in a tough
spot. Gunslinger was an ex-rodeo bronc, he was good pals with Rex. Tanner was
odd. Her coloring was different, bay markings interspersed with egg nog. She
was always a little skittish, and overall a hard personality to figure out.
And, of course, we can’t forget Tussle and Misty. At that awkward stage where
no longer fillies any more, yet not quite mares, either, they usually got on
each other’s nerves and caused headaches, thought they had some undefinable
likable qualities in them.
One story, which might give insight
into the characters of both Tussle and Misty, should appear here.
It was a typical October day, of
the beautiful type just before it gets cold. Tanner was grazing, looking for
some especially tasty alfalfa blades. She looked up at the frantic sound of
quick hoofbeats.
It was Misty, her eyes wide, mane
thrown back in disarray, and her grammar even more mangled than usual. She had
a habit of speaking in half sentences when nervous or excited or thoughtful, or
in long paragraphs that would have made Charles Dickens proud, only without the
commas. “The barn’s on fire! She started it!”
“Who?” Tanner asked anxiously.
“Tussle did. Blame her.”
Tanner shook her head. “Why can’t you two ever get along?”
Misty paused for breath. “I don’t
know, we just don’t. Anyway, we were racing, Tussle and me, and her shoe hit a
quartz rock and it made some sparks that caught on some old newspapers and
moldy hay and stuff on the floor, and it made a fire and now she’s stuck and
it’s all Tussle’s fault!”
The words poured out in a rush.
Cody, a neighbor stallion debating something with a bull, overheard the last
bit and decided to go rescue her. A wiser observer than Misty might have
guessed his reason, as Tanner was extremely worried.
“Be careful,” she whispered.
“I will,”
With that, he and Misty dashed off
to the rescue. It wasn’t really needed. Floyd, the hired man Zeke, and the fire
department got the flames extinguished and extricated Tussle, it was in reality
only a small grass fire.
In his hurry, Cody stepped in a
snake-hole and went down, and as humans call merciful in such cases, a shotgun
blast signaled the end of his agony.
“I can’t believe it,” Tanner said
hollowly as the horses gathered together a few hours later.
“It’s not your fault. He just tripped,
is all.” Tussle said awkwardly, trying to comfort her. “Yeah, if it’s anybody’s
fault it’s ours,” Misty chimed in. “That’s not helping,” Gunslinger hissed at
the pair.
“It almost seems like part of me is
missing…” Tanner mumbled, tears in her eyes.
“There is,” Penelope agreed in a
calming sympathetic tone. “It will take time, a long time, but eventually the
wound will mostly heal.” The others nodded in agreement.
“Maybe I’ll be okay at some point,
but that’s not right now.”
After a few minutes of silence,
Misty spoke up. “Mom? You know how people go somewhere really nice called
heaven? Do us horses go there, too?” Penelope shook her mane to keep a fly
away. “I don’t know, I’ve never thought about it. We could, I suppose. What’d
you guys think?” “Beats me.” “I’ve never heard of the place.” “I heard I might
have sent some people there…” Rex snorted at ‘Slinger’s comment. “You sure
that’s where you sent ‘em?” “Well, it was people talk, so I didn’t understand
it all that well. They sound so much alike. Anyway, I wasn’t paying all that
much attention.”
Milky Way came out of one of her
deep thoughts. “Well, I don’t really know if we do or not. My cousin belonged
to a Sunday School teacher, he heard bits and pieces of what’s called
‘theology’, and passed them on to us. Not everyone goes there…and there’s
eagles and lions, I know. And I think there’s some horses…I’m not very sure,
it’s all so confusing. It’ll mostly be people, I know that.”
“Be quiet, will you?!” Tanner pleaded, eyes streaming. “I….I just can’t
handle it right now.” With that, she galloped away, leaving a crowd of curious
equines, some more confused than others.
“What’d we do wrong?” Rex wondered.
“Nothin’, really. It’s just a tough time for her right now. Things happen
sometimes…Give her some time, she’ll be all right.” Penelope said.
She did more or less come to terms
with it after a time – at least, as much you ever can.
The winter passed, it was early
spring. Penelope was enjoying a roll in the warm soft mud and trying to keep up
a conversation on parenting with a dull-witted cow mother.
Her mind wandered; she spotted
something in the next field over. “Oh my goodness!” she muttered. “I’m sorry,
Bessie, but I’ve got to go.” The next instant, she was off to spread the good
news, doing her best imitation of a racehorse. (This is a very hard
accomplishment for middle-aged mares to perform, and it must be noted that if
gossip weren’t involved, she probably couldn’t have pulled it off.)
“Misty! Misty! Where are you?” she
whinnied. “Yeah, Mom?” “It’s here!” Penelope yelled as she tried to slow her
momentum. She couldn’t, and skidded into the pond, taking an unintended bath.
From there, things just got even
more chaotic than usual. A cow was being milked in the barn, Misty managed to
get a hoof on the milk bucket in her haste, spilling it. The cats were grateful
for this mistake, as far as that virtue goes in their species. Tussle lost her
sense of direction even more than normal, winding up trampling lettuces in the
garden, and Rex knocked over the rabbit cage, which used to house Linda’s pet
rabbit Mr. Whiskers.
It would be hard to describe the
joy that the herd experienced when Tanner approached with her new foal wobbling
unsteadily on his spindly legs, saying “This is C.J.” So we’ll just have to
imagine it.
It was a very hard day for Floyd
and Betty.
A few weeks afterwards, there had
been three new litters of kittens, and a healthy proportion of cows had given
birth, when a dusty dually pickup with a horse trailed attached crawled up the
driveway. Rex and Gunslinger, who were being saddled by Linda and her grown
daughter Jo, watched carefully as Floyd and another man backed the occupants of
the trailer into the side pasture. Two piebalds, male and female, stood there,
glancing around uncertainly.
Rex nudged ‘Slinger. “She’s not bad
looking.”
‘Slinger looked at his pal. “I
don’t know…I suppose she is,” he agreed doubtfully. “I try to stay away from
things like that, much as I can,” he added.
They walked on a ways. “Yeah? Why
come?”
“It’s easier,” he snorted in
thought.
“Bay?” Rex asked after a pause.
“No, sorrel. Her name was Bonnie.
Barrel racer. Things….kind of went bad. Trying to forget about it.”
They weren’t the only ones spying.
Tussle and Misty were also watching
the newcomers.
“Look at them,” Misty whispered.
“Kind of stuck up, looks like,”
Tussle agreed.
“And that two-tone tail!”
“It’s pretty awful, all right.”
“Well, what do ya think?” Patriot
asked.
“”I don’t think I’ll like it here…”
“It can’t be that bad.”
“Yes, it can!” Cyclone’s answer to
her twin came out harsher than she intended. “See those horses out there?”
He looked, and after a bit of
searching, found two mostly gray fillies staring at them, one dappled lightly,
the other dotted with a rusty red color. They seemed to be whispering
conspiratorially.
“I bet they’re talking about us.”
“By ‘us’, meaning ‘you’?”
“No…Ye – Oh, I don’t know!” she
wailed. “I just want Emily back, and things to go back to normal.”
Patriot shook his head. “I’d like
that, too. But we’re here now, and still together, so I guess we’ll just have
to make the best of it we can.”
Things were pretty tense around the
farm for the next couple weeks.
Misty and Tussle, feeling
themselves threatened by Cyclone’s presence, did everything they could to
antagonize her at every available chance they got, gradually forcing everyone
else to take sides. Rex took the twins’ part, Gunslinger reluctantly allied
himself with Tussle and Misty. Penelope looked disapprovingly at the newcomers,
Tanner, understanding somewhat how they felt, tried to help them. Milky Way
grew more concerned each day. Poor Patriot was stuck. He enjoyed talking to
some of them, especially Gunslinger and Tussle, but he also had to protect his
sister. It was a mess.
In the large scheme of things,
nothing major, but when you consider that these kinds of situations sometimes
break friendships that have held together for years, you can start to see why
it was important.
And unsettling.
Things finally came to a head when
they challenged those twin paints to a race. Cyclone got into an insult-hurling
screaming match with Misty that very nearly came to flying hooves, Tussle
helping occasionally. Patriot stood by, wishing fervently that he was anywhere
else, and the rest stood there awkwardly.
“I smell the second Civil War,”
Milky Way remarked to nobody in particular.
“What was that?” Tanner asked,
hoping desperately to distract the combatants.
“Well, it was a war, of course. The
Union, as one group was called, was fighting a group called the Confederacy. It
was pretty complicated, but the whole country was fighting against itself,
basically.”
“When was this?” Rex wondered.
“Milky Way looked over her
audience, a small gleam in her eye and smile on her lips. “It took place about
150 years ago –“
“That’s befwoe I was borned,” C.J.
said in his squeaky little voice, throwing most everyone into laughter.
“That’s right, Junior. None of us
were born yet, not even me or Miss Penelope.”
The colt’s jaw dropped. “Wow…you’re
old, Miss Milky. I thought you’d seen
everything.”
“Not quite everything, but she’s
seen a lot,” Penelope answered for her friend.
“So…why were they fighting?”
Gunslinger asked.
“There was a lot of reasons, but
the main difference was over slavery.” She had all of their attention now.
“Now, that’s where some people owned other people and forced them to work for
them, and the slaves had to whatever they said.”
“So…kinda like the people own us?”
asked Tanner.
“Something like that, yeah. Except
they even treated us horses better than the slaves.”
This brought snorts of amazement
from everyone, since it so clearly defied the known order of the world that humans were in charge of all
animals. “That’s awful!” Misty commented, almost crying. “No way!” Patriot
yelled.
“The people in the North, the
Union, didn’t like that, so the South split off into their own country, called
the Confederacy, and eventually they were at war,” Milky Way continued. “It
lasted nearly five years, a huge number of horses and people died on both
sides. Each side made their share of mistakes, and both had their heroes. The
North won, so the Confederacy had to disband and rejoin the country. Also, the
President – he’s the one in charge of the country, kind of like the top horse
in the pecking order – his name was Abraham Lincoln, and he gave a speech
called the Emancipation Proclamation, which set all the slaves free. True
story.”
As Milky Way had hoped, this made
them all think(as all truly great stories should do), and they resolved to be
more civil to their enemies, although pride kept them from calling off the race
entirely.
It was
– finally – race day, after being postponed twice due to bad weather, and
although the incident causing it was somewhat embarrassing, things were still
unsettled. And the weather wasn’t acting quite normal….almost like it was
upset, too; and not just the horses.
Penelope was going to be the
starter, most of the others were watching. “Okay, you’re going from the gate to
the trees and back, got it?” she instructed.
Patriot and Tussle made their way
over to the starting line, where Cyclone and Misty were glaring at each other.
“On your make, get –“ A loud, colorful explosion interrupted the starting
command. “What is it?” Tanner wondered.
Nobody really knew what it was,
exactly, or why it was there, or what it did or anything. Even Milky Way didn’t
know the reason, and she was too distracted to invent an on-the-spot
explanation. Whatever it was, it was horrifyingly scary, coming out of nowhere,
and almost pretty. The herd stared as the night sky filed with new stars that
vanished immediately in a rainbow of colors. The people were watching the sky
fall, too.
“See those fireworks?” Floyd asked
the boy.
“Yeah, they’re cool,” he said.
“I’m glad your mom let you come
visit,” Linda commented happily.
The boy nodded. “Me too, Grandma.”
“Would you like to go ride the
horses tomorrow?” Floyd asked because he wanted to and needed an excuse.
The boy’s face lit up. “Oh, boy!
That’d be fun! Could I drive the truck, too? Or can we go fishing? Do you need
to get anything at the store? Oh, maybe we could go to the library…”
A small knot of equines gathered in
the chilly rain, giving last-minute advice to CJ. Most of the others had
already said their goodbyes, and the rest were staying until the trailer came.
“Hey, don’t get into any trouble,
all right?” Gunslinger told the little colt. “I’ll try not to,” he said with a
grin.
“And don’t over-eat,” Penelope
added. Why is it that the advice we give others is the advice we almost never
follow ourselves?
“Bye,” Tanner said, smiling through
her tears. “Bye, Mom,” CJ said, his resolve weakening a little. “Good luck,”
she said softly.
The sound of a motor came through
the raindrops with a glow of pickup headlights, and the other horses retreated
out of the way as CJ was loaded into the trailer that Cyclone and Patriot had
arrived in.
“It’s tough, isn’t it?” Gunslinger
reflected that night. “Yep. It is. But he’ll be fine. It’s just part of this
world that we live in,” Milky Way finished the thought on most everyone’s mind.
“Still sad….gonna miss the little guy.” was all Rex said about it.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Don't Ask Me to Watch Baseball
This isn't very good, and I'm not sure whether it's supposed to be a song or a poem, but anyway, I wrote it during the 2011 World Series, which the St. Louis Cardinals won over the Texas Rangers in six games. This phrase just came to me while enduring an inning somewhere in the middle of one of the games, and the story, simple as it is, was there without much digging. I like it; it's a funny story. (FYI - I really don't much care for America's pastime in general; but I do follow the Cardinals semi-closely.)
"She played basketball and was in the band,
Cheer and volleyball, 'til she broke her hand
Or was that track, or maybe softball?
I can't remember, something where the crowds are pretty small.
We met one day in college,
We both fell pretty hard
Our relationship went deeper, I went down on one knee
But the answer that she gave was quite surprising...
She said, "I'll cook, I'll clean,
I'll do my best to do it all,
I'll marry you if you're serious, just have one stipulation -
If you really love me, don't ask me to watch baseball."
I laughed at first, or said something witty which fell flat,
We stayed in that coffee shop until they told us to scat
Walking her home I gave my reply:
I said, "We'll learn, we'll try,
We'll do our best, sometimes we'll fall.
I wouldn't ask if I wasn't serious, there's just one string attached -
If you really love me, don't ask me to watch baseball."
That was two years ago, our furniture's come from garage sales
We kept my bookshelves, and she had her Grandma's quilts
So complain all you want about your team's batting average
Their ERA and other ills
And keep those big green diamonds; our interests lie in other fields.
We try to be hospitable, to all but Yankees fans
Stay with us any time, you've just got to read the sign in the den:
It says, "We'll cook, we'll clean,
We'll do our best to do it all.
We're glad to have you stay here, summer, spring or fall
If you're under our roof, just remember, y'all:
If you really love us, don't ask us to watch baseball."
"She played basketball and was in the band,
Cheer and volleyball, 'til she broke her hand
Or was that track, or maybe softball?
I can't remember, something where the crowds are pretty small.
We met one day in college,
We both fell pretty hard
Our relationship went deeper, I went down on one knee
But the answer that she gave was quite surprising...
She said, "I'll cook, I'll clean,
I'll do my best to do it all,
I'll marry you if you're serious, just have one stipulation -
If you really love me, don't ask me to watch baseball."
I laughed at first, or said something witty which fell flat,
We stayed in that coffee shop until they told us to scat
Walking her home I gave my reply:
I said, "We'll learn, we'll try,
We'll do our best, sometimes we'll fall.
I wouldn't ask if I wasn't serious, there's just one string attached -
If you really love me, don't ask me to watch baseball."
That was two years ago, our furniture's come from garage sales
We kept my bookshelves, and she had her Grandma's quilts
So complain all you want about your team's batting average
Their ERA and other ills
And keep those big green diamonds; our interests lie in other fields.
We try to be hospitable, to all but Yankees fans
Stay with us any time, you've just got to read the sign in the den:
It says, "We'll cook, we'll clean,
We'll do our best to do it all.
We're glad to have you stay here, summer, spring or fall
If you're under our roof, just remember, y'all:
If you really love us, don't ask us to watch baseball."
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
I Love This Barn
A more rural parody of Toby Keith's "I Love This Bar".
Verse One -
We got caprines, we got rust stains
We've got a slick floor when it rains
And we got cute chicks, we got dog ticks
Food sacks, discarded guitar picks
And the dogs sing about their broken hearts...oh, I love this barn...
Chorus -
I love this barn
It's my kind of place
Just walking through the front door
Puts a big smile on my face
It ain't too far, come as you are
Oh, I love this barn...
Verse Two -
We've got security guards, we got plenty of hay
We got roosters that'll crow any time of day
And I've seen layers, I've seen fighters,
I've even seen crazy zip-liners
There's that pile of broken mower parts....oh, I love this barn...
(Chorus)
Bridge -
Well, I liked my job, I like to see the Cowboys win
I like eating out for dinner, I like a movie now and then....
Chorus Two -
But I love this barn
It's so peaceful in here
None of that stressful atmosphere
It's free of charge, so come as you are
Oh, I love this barn....
Verse One -
We got caprines, we got rust stains
We've got a slick floor when it rains
And we got cute chicks, we got dog ticks
Food sacks, discarded guitar picks
And the dogs sing about their broken hearts...oh, I love this barn...
Chorus -
I love this barn
It's my kind of place
Just walking through the front door
Puts a big smile on my face
It ain't too far, come as you are
Oh, I love this barn...
Verse Two -
We've got security guards, we got plenty of hay
We got roosters that'll crow any time of day
And I've seen layers, I've seen fighters,
I've even seen crazy zip-liners
There's that pile of broken mower parts....oh, I love this barn...
(Chorus)
Bridge -
Well, I liked my job, I like to see the Cowboys win
I like eating out for dinner, I like a movie now and then....
Chorus Two -
But I love this barn
It's so peaceful in here
None of that stressful atmosphere
It's free of charge, so come as you are
Oh, I love this barn....
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